Thursday, May 6, 2010

no secret

I am going to share something that is quite personal, but something that I feel should be shouted out to the world. This is a subject that is kept a secret. A secret that should not be a secret. One that some do like to keep a secret, which I totally respect and understand. So why am I sharing this when there may be some people that would prefer it kept a secret and how can I still respect them if I am going to open up?


As you would all know, well most of you if you have been following the blog for a while, I was adopted when I was 10 days old. My mum was told she could never have children, and she adopted my brother, who is 3 years older then me, then adopted me, and then to her surprise fell pregnant with my sister, who is 3 years younger then me. I feel we are all quite special and I know she saw us all as her special gifts. My mum separated from my father when I was about 7 years old. My sister and I would go to his house every second weekend and my brother at that stage was living in boarding school. But when he was finished boarding school he would live with him too.


Each second weekend I was sexually assualted by my father. He violated my trust and hurt me. He took away my innocence and robbed me of the childhood I deserved to live. This abuse went on for many years until I was old enough to realise that what he was doing was wrong. He threatened to kill me and it was a secret I kept with a lot of fear.

When I was 15 I no longer wanted to keep the secret, the fear of death was a lot less then the fear of him hurting other girls. At this stage I started to make excuses so I would not have to go to his house. My mum started to realise something was not quite right and this was when I told her that he had been hurting me. The amazing person my mum was reached out to me and never let me go until the day I lost her. She supported me so much in the processes I needed to take to live my life again.


I wrote my statement. The secret was written on pages of paper, official paper, and signed by myself and the detective. Two years later I was in front of the Magistrate, who sent my case straight to the Supreme Court. Eighteen months later, at which stage I was in my early 20s, I was sitting in the witness box surrounded by people with those wool wigs, 12 strangers lined up in two rows, my friends, my solicitor, his barrister and him. The man that I feared was sitting right in front of me.


Over the next 3 days I lived my abuse again. I was that innocent child being abused with everyone watching and still no one helped me. It was a scary feeling. The sentence was read out by the head juror, who walked in the room, with his 11 other strangers, with all their heads down. He sobbed as he read out the not guilty verdict. The judge took over once sentencing had been read and he gave him a mouthful. He told him the court knew he was guilty, but without more evidence, in the way of witnesses he was found not guilty.


A verdict that was hard to take. One that made me cry for hours. The fear that I thought would go away was staying. My mum held me. She held me like she had never held me before, and she whispered in my ear, "don't worry Hayley, we will get him. I promise one day we will get him. I don't know how, but I promise you we will." I will never forget her words. I will never forget how she held me. She was protecting me in such a way. A protection that was and still is so comforting.


From there I started a new life. I changed my surname, I moved from my home town and I started fresh. Today I feel safe. I feel the safest I have ever felt. Yes, we lost the court case, but he lost, not us. I understand what my mum meant with "getting" him, and we have. She did not let me down. My mum gave me memories a child should have of their childhood. My mum never let me down.

31 comments:

  1. Oh, Hayley what an emotional post and so real and from your heart out. I don´t know what i can say.This is the most terrible what can happen in a child´s life.But your mum gave you so much strength and courage to be the woman you are now.You can be so proud about you, really...and of your own family...The life is always fair someday...believe me and you write it...thanks for be so open and so authentic.You are amazing...thanks and hugs...i

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  2. wow.. what an amazing post. so, so sad, but also so honest, brave & strong. how anyone could mistreat children is beyond belief. i want to say such angry, vengeful things about what i hope happened or happens to that monster, especially after reading justice didn't happen.. but i agree with you, that in end, the best revenge is letting go & moving on with a beautiful life.. and what a beautiful life you share with us all on here.

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  3. With tears in my eyes and a heavy heart I thank you for sharing this very personal post with us. You are such a strong and amazing person and I'm so grateful to your mother for being such a light and support to you. I'm sorry for your pain but, I'm so amazed at your courage. I know you must be a super mother to your children. In fact I have no doubt. Sending lots of love your way. xoxo, Kristi

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  4. Oh Hayley! What an inspiration you are!
    I too was sexually abused and i understand how hard it is too move on. But I think we are more aware and more protective of our children, so it does not happen to them.
    Thank you so much for sharing and being an inspirational Mother, business woman and opening your world for us to share.
    Big hugs to you and you go girl!

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  5. Moved and impressed by your courage in sharing here. I was a victim as well (to a teenage friend of the family) and I have never told a living soul. The best revenge is indeed a life well-lived. Hugs to you from an LP fb fan xxx

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  6. Haley, brave is such a understatement to describe you. God works in crazy ways, I know he brought Keely and Taj into your life as a special gift to makeup for the horrors you experienced. You are such a strong woman, I am honored to know you {even if it is only through the internet!}. Thank you for sharing...

    Hugs and kisses,
    Amy

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  7. You are the strongest most beautiful person. Thank you so much for sharing your life with everyone. I am sure this will touch people in more ways than you can imagine. I know it has mine.

    I take comfort in knowing that there are honest people out there who share their trails. So many blogs are happy ..happy..but thats not real life, real life has real people, with struggles and journeys.

    Thank you for sharing

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  8. Thank you for sharing this. Looking at your life via your posts it's obvious you love your children and are enjoying a beautiful life with them. Good on you for speaking out and living a new life of goodness.

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  9. That is an amazing revelation. I can only imagine the horror you felt to be abused this way - your body, mind and spirit.
    Thank goodness your mother had the strength to help you re-build.
    You are truly inspirational - you and your Mum.

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  10. Thank you for sharing your heart, and your hurt. It will help many other woman / mom's have strength to get through situations they never knew they had the strength for.

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  11. Hayley, I'm extremely moved by your post. I admire your candour and the tribute to your mother in this post. Not really sure what to say... but thought saying this is better than saying nothing. Hope you're having an awesome day :)

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  12. Magical post Miss Hayley....xxxx

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  13. Oh my Haley, this post made me cry, I too was a victim (although of molestation and by a family friend and only once as far as I can recall) but I still understand how you feel. I have never had the chance to face him and he has now died so I applaud your bravery and your mother's undying love and support. I hope you are having a lovely day with your family.
    Engracia
    xx

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  14. Brave, brave girl. You AND your muma. Thank you.

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  15. wow, what a beautifully honest and powerful post. thanks for sharing it. sounds like your amazing mama more than compensated for your father's ways, and that you are sharing her gift of love with your gorgeous babies. as other's have said, happiness is justice xx

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  16. What an amazing post about something so personal. Yes you have won & your life will get better & better every day - you are such an inspiration & strong amazing Muma XO

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  17. Hayley, my nearly 10yr old wears her heart on her sleeve (as my mum used to tell me I did)!!
    It makes for hurt feelings sometimes but the flip side is that she's got a heart that's wide open for love.
    I can see you do too, your openness is so admirable given the pain you have experienced.
    I love reading your blog and seeing your smiling face and that of the kids...you live your life with honesty and that is amazing.

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  18. What a brave post. I emailed you but I felt compelled to leave a comment, too. No one should go through this, especially a child but you have won and you are such a beautiful inspiration for others that have gone through this.

    Your children a lucky to have such a beautiful, strong mama to guide them.

    Thank you. x

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  19. Hayley - what an amazing and brave women and mother you are. I too was sexually assaulted over an extended period of time by a family friend, however I never had your courage to finally tell someone, let alone take it to Court. For me, I was too scared I would lose my father (who i thought would kill the guy) to jail, or worse. The experience just makes you a stronger women, more protective and aware of your own children's needs. You truly are amazing, and I am finding such inspiration from you, which amazes me as we have never met, never spoken - chelsea.

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  20. Oh sweet Hayley. Some of the things you have endured in your lifetime.
    You are brave and strong and wonderful xxx

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  21. Oh Hayley. I'm just checking in on my fave blogs tonight after a busy day and for some reason I was thinking of you this morning...I loved your post yesterday and your honesty and clarity of thinking stick with me always. I am sorry that you lived this - no one deserves such treatment but I am SO glad you are a survivor. With love to you, you wonderfully strong and inspirational woman. xoxo

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  22. xx Praise God for Mums. Medals of bravery and 3 cheers of victory for you. xx

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  23. I still can't say it without fear of being judged. I've only ever told one person and that was my mum. By then I was in my thirties and the person who hurt me had long gone. You are a beautiful, amazing, strong, inspiring woman. I wish I could have your strength to let it out. But instead I bury it as deep as I possible can. I wish I could comment with a link but I just can't. Thank you Haley, I no longer feel ashamed and alone - B

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  24. oh sweetheart, I am speechless, Im so sorry. There are some wonderful comments for you above, but I dont know what to say...just know that you are so loved and admired by many people and no one will ever take that away from you XOXOXO

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  25. I cannot believe I am lost for words, but I am! I really want to say to those of you that have bared your secret here for the first time that you are amazing. If this is the only place you write it and this is the only place you share your secret, you are doing great! I am sure writing your comments would have been hard enough. I know writing the whole post was hard and even though I stood in front of a court and relived the nightmares, I still found it hard. There is nothing wrong with burying it and getting rid of your fear. This is your way of protecting yourselves. Plus you are here today, being mothers and living your lives. That happiness and the love you have for your children and the fact you breathe each day means you are survivors. We will all deal with it differently. I won't lie and say I have not had the tough times. I have had eating disorders and suicide attempts. And I must say now I am so happy that I did not succeed. With support and using my voice did not stop these things from happening to me. But I do not regret going through what I had to go through to find my own justice. You just need to find yours and if that means writing the fact you were abused here and putting it aside again, then you have done it. You have found your justice and you have survived.

    I wish I could reach out and hug you all! I am very glad I wrote this post as I was so scared to put it live and I still am scared to have it sitting here. I am not sure why, but I am waiting for that negative comment. I can only hope it does not come!

    xx

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  26. Hayley, wow thank you for your openness to share the difficulty & pain that you have faced in your life. I know it has encouraged so many and gives others courage to overcome those pains that we all go through in life. While Reading this post I was reminded of a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt which says, You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

    You have Definitely gained Strength, Courage and Confidence by sharing this!!

    God bless you,


    Rachelle xoxo

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  27. Oh Hayley xx I thank you for sharing. I had a secret from when I was 11 and never told anyone who could do anything about it until I heard 'HE' had been taken to court and had gone to jail for doing the same thing on his own grandaughters.
    It made me sick and I had always worried and wanted to tell someone but just never did? Reading your post and remembering my secret (not that you forget)but sharing in and with someone else just makes me want to sit down with my kids and teach them they can always come to me no matter what!
    Its a bit scary writing this here but Im going to be brave because you have been brave. Small steps can leave big impressions xxx

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  28. Your strength and openness is very inspiring. I love reading your blog Hayley. Thanks for putting yourself out there and sharing everything you do.

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  29. Prior to today, I never realised Little Pinwheel had a blog, and then I found this. Thank you! You are so very brave. Again, I'm one if those holding such a secret, and it will possibly never come to anything if I did anything with it- mainly because I'm unsure if details and names (we moved from the area a year after it began). It was an aquantance of my parents. Knowing others have moved on, become successful and never looked back gives me courage. Tonight I'm finally going to tell my husband. I was always terrified others would question why I just hadn't said no. You've helped ne overcome this. I think telling my DH will enlighten him to my overprotectiveness of my our children. Thank you!!!!

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  30. Hayley that is just such an overwhelming story. What amazing strength and courage you have to come through all of this. You're an inspiration. xoxo

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  31. look at all of your warm, encouraging and open comments on this post. being brave has opened up whole new beginnings, again and again. for you and for others. i love that you have been so raw and open, because this helps YOU deal with it. YOU are a strong, gorgeous, young mum who has the world at her hands. i am so very proud to know you xx

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