Monday, May 30, 2011

no blinkers

There is nothing like rocking out the list of jobs you have given yourself. I am not a list person. Well I don't write them down. I write them in my head. Sometimes I forget things, but most of the time I can visually see the stuff and things. I can see the red line through the stuff and things when they are complete. There are times I try to visually see that red line, (some might call this cheating), even though I know very well I have not done them. They are the shit jobs! No one wants to do them.

At the moment I am doing things that are on my list with complete tunnel vision. I can see the light at the end, and I am going for it. I set myself a challenge to run 150km in 4 weeks. This is my thing on the side to keep me focused. Running is my form of relaxation. Although over the weekend a guy I know asked, "so have you been punishing your body today?"

The only punishment my body is receiving is the lack of sleep, and the fact I forgot to eat again. There are herbs here now, which will help with the sleep. The eating is there, just not enough, and I have to remind myself. I will eat. I have 150kms to run, and cannot do that without fuel.

I cannot wait to write blog posts about our new home we set up. I cannot wait to blog about my trip to the USA in September. (My passport arrived today, and it is ready for stamps). I cannot wait to share the all kinds of awesome that is going to happen.

For now there is a list to work through. I hope for no curve balls. I don't think I can hit a curve ball. I am all for that home run.


Sunday, May 29, 2011

massage monday

Tomorrow is massage monday. I made that up. I quite like my creativeness when it comes to the day of the week most people dread. For me now, I love it. Bring on that monday-itis. I went for a massage last monday, more for my legs which needed some TLC with a big run I did over the weekend. Plus massage has to be good for stress, and the heavy lifting, the painting, and the cleaning. What is the deal with the feeling of guilt? Why do I feel guilty for doing something nice for me.

My new best friend, (oh yes she instantly became best friend status), massaged my legs, and made the pain go away. Tomorrow is about my back, and neck. I cannot wait to have some of that stress removed that I have been holding on to. And today is all about Sugar Soap, (wall cleaning), painting, oiling, baking, (got to be cool school mum; they are already in the oven), and I might slip in a run, so my body is really hurting tomorrow. And the coffee goes without saying.

Rock on massage monday!

Friday, May 27, 2011

my first love

Do you remember your first love? You know that love where you wrote each other cute letters, and gave each other soft teddy bears, flowers and chocolates on every special occasion. I remember mine. I found everything he gave me in a box yesterday. His name was Tim, and he was my first boyfriend. Tim was my first true love.

To go through all the sweet love letters, photos of our time together was a fun time. I wish I never lost contact with Tim. I know he would be married with children, as he was a really sweet guy. And I was the one that let him go!

He used to call me "bubby."

"Dear Hayley, I know that your a little uncertain about aspects of your life at the moment, but I know that with my help we will be able to sort them out. However no matter how long or how hard it is or takes I will always be by your side. You mean everything to me and I love you with all my heart, and remember I will always be here. Lost of love Tim xxx"

Tim wrote me the words above in 1996, the year I faced my abuse. What a beautiful and kind hearted young man he was. There are many more cards, and words. Some of which really make me cry. They are words from someone that was very much in love. I loved him too. And I hope with all of my heart that he is dancing his life with a beautiful woman, and he has a love he deserves.

Do you remember your first love? Did you do the cute notes, and have you kept them all?

A shoebox of memories I will one day share with my children, when they too find their first loves.

My weekend is all about cleaning, and only taking with me the things that bring me joy.

Happy weekend! x

Thursday, May 26, 2011

brave together

We try in life. We try to do a lot of things. Some things we succeed at and other things we do not succeed at. I don't like to say fail. Cause for me that would mean I failed my mum. And for the past four years I have felt that. Today changed me.

When we clean out things it is like we are cleaning out ourselves. It is something I do not really enjoy at the time, but once it is done it feels somewhat liberating. I found things. I found things to throw away, and I found things to hold close to my heart. I found a piece of paper my mum received 8 days before she passed away.

My mum hated giving blood, and I mean hate in terms of the opposite emotion of love. When mum was sick, I dragged her kicking and screaming to the doctor, who ordered a blood test. (This is a whole other story, but this part always makes me cry, as it was time wasted, in which a doctor is negligent in his actions). Mum and I went to the pathology clinic together. Where she was awarded a special bravery award.

She was proud. {And I was proud of her too}.

Having this memory, and her certificate, reminds me that I did not fail my mum. I was there with her every step of the way. I tried. I tried really hard to keep her here.

That is all we can do in life, is try. Sometimes we will succeed, and other times we won't. There is no such thing as failing when you try.

I miss my my mum. And I no longer feel I failed her. I tried, and she tried. We tried together.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

1440 moments to capture

Did you know that there are 1440 minutes in a day? There are times when I feel like I am counting them, but I don't think I could ever count 1440 of them. {Imagine, I would never sleep}! Canon is holding a competition around the concept of 1440 minutes in a day, and capturing one of those minutes in your day. The competition based around the 1440 minutes starts the first of July and is open until the fifteenth of July. You can win yourself an EOS 60D Digital SLR or a Canon PowerShot G12. I use the Canon 7D with a 50mm lens, and love it.

The image above is a much needed minute in my day. Taj has my iphone and playing a game. I have my coffee made with love.

It was fun taking the camera out to find a moment out of our day and capture it. No day is really the same, as there are days when I don't have the little people with me, as they are both at school, and there are days when I do have one of them, if not both of them.

The one minute that is the same as any other, is the minute that I sit inside my favourite cafe, and have a coffee in my hand. It may not be the same time each day, but it is a minute like any other day. A moment to capture.

Do you have a minute in your day that you would like to capture?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

when I grow up

Yesterday Taj and his friends at pre school were asked what they wanted to be when they grow up.

Taj = happy

What more could I ask for?

My mum wished, and hoped the same thing for me.

Monday, May 23, 2011

to sleep with a bucket of water

Sometimes if we don't laugh we will cry. Sometimes you have to do something out of the ordinary to create laughter. I did that.

Sleep, who needs it? My body believes it does not need it right now. I am exhausted with stress, and lots of things ticking over in my head. I ran over the weekend to deal with it. Running puts my whole body into a relaxed state. It worked; for that moment. When it came to sleep my body would not shutdown. I tried to press the off button, but it stayed in overdrive. Well parts of my body shutdown. My eyes were heavy. I was tired enough to hop into bed. I crawled in there at 9:30. I was still awake at 10:30 texting a friend. She was telling me what she does to go to sleep.

"Think of going into your mind which looks like a small black tunnel, and as you move through it, all your thoughts come peeling off the walls, like books floating off a bookshelf, leaving a clean black tunnel with no thoughts worrying your head. It is all peaceful with nothing happening in there."

Another half an hour goes past. A new text, with a new relaxation solution.

"Imagine warm trickling water trickling through your brain from the top, flushing out all the gunk."

I crack up laughing and all I can think of is a bucket of water being poured over my head. My friend texts me to tell me she was more thinking of a slow trickle from a hose. My mind works overtime, and all I can think of is getting Keely to wet me with the hose in the morning.

That is what I did. Keely got me. She got me good. It was liberating. It made me laugh. It made her laugh. Laughter is the best medicine. {But the cold water from the hose will not help me sleep; it woke me up}.

I didn't sleep much. Actually I could quite possibly say I didn't sleep. Taj was up not long after my eyes closed, followed by Keely an hour later.

How do you turn off your switch? Any tips.... I need sleep.

I had a massage today. Then I had some more stress thrown at me, and my whole body is like a tensed up Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz. Something tells me we are not in Kansas anymore Toto.

Follow that yellow brick road.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

handyman blease

I wore the pants, the painting pants. I fixed things, I painted, I painted some more, and I cleaned. I also rocked it as mum, had a bus ride with the little people, and I worked those thunder thighs of mine on the biggest run I have ever ran. {14.58km, half marathon here I come}!

I am getting things done. I have learnt how to breathe again. I am eating again, if you call eating adriano zumbo's sourdough bread soaked in olive oil and balsamic vinegar eating. (Oh my)!

My home stinks! {Lavender burning overtime}

A new week begins. I know mine is going to be a ride that I will enjoy at times, and at other times I will want to get off. Maybe I can see it as a bus ride. I will get off at the stops where it is too hard, and hop back on when the next bus comes.

I was reminded about fresh flowers. I will buy them again. This time there will be a different reason for them. They will be my reminder of the life I have in front of me.

My home will be on the market in two weeks. My little people and I are moving.

Thank you to those beautiful friends who offered to open their homes to us. Two of which live in 2 bedroom apartments. I am a very lucky person to have caring friends. They are my family. I have hope that we will not be without a place to move to. And I will not have to take up these offers.

Time to create new memories, take the positives out of the negatives, remember to breathe, and do it all with a little dance in my step.

I am going to build a new home with my little people!

Friday, May 20, 2011

groove to that beat

The music is turned up. We are dancing. It is what this little pinwheel family does; we dance. I love to show my little people that you can dance your life away. That all your worries just go when you bust out some grooves. I am no dancer. {I do have some grooves}. I just love it. There is something about moving your whole body, and removing all that stress. It is a nice kind of relaxation.

We giggle. And hold hands.

I am going to dance this weekend. Dance through all the things I need to do. Time to pack it up. And do it with a groove in my step.

Dance this weekend.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

talk about mojo

Over the last week I have created conversations. I spoke about my sex drive with my post to win a new Ford Territory for a year, and $5000. This created conversation here, on my personal facebook page, my business facebook page, twitter, via text messages, over coffee and wine with my friends, and amongst their friends.

You can create conversation by words, by your actions, your appearance, and by wearing socks and sandals. Talking about sex after little people is a conversation that did spark some interesting responses. I am not too sure if it will be seeing me driving around in a new Ford Territory, but it sure did help women feel they were not alone in their lack of sex drive, or lack of time to even think about their sex drive.

Mojo: a slang word for self confidence, self esteem or sex appeal.

Did you know there is a wine called Mojo? I found it last weekend, and had to buy it.

You can vote for me here!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

breathing with my heart

I have sucked in the air. I have grown those balls that my mum showed me how to grow. I have cried a little today, and I am sure I will cry a little, or a lot for the next few months. Either way I am going with it. I am going to hold onto this ride I am on, and know that soon it will be over. Soon I can breathe, and completely breathe my own air.

To have balls is awesome. It might sound random, but truly it is awesome. My mum showed me how to do things, and get them done. I have moments of exhaustion, and those are the times that I do just want to sit. If you asked one of my closest friends, she would tell you that I don't stop. I am not that person. I just don't have it in me. Unless I am doing it to meditate to an extent, and remember how to breathe. That is when I can stop.

Today I did it. I got through the day. I got the things started that I had to get started. No one else is going to do them. It is just me. I wear the balls in this home, and I wear them with pride. I am a go-getter. And I am forever chasing that light I can see. I can see it.

I took the time out to walk. To be in the place I go to be with my mum. I walked with my little people. They didn't even know that their mum was finding it hard to suck in the air. To breathe. To take strength from the place I find so peaceful. I know I don't always have to be strong. I know that I can have moments of sadness.

One day I will dance like I have never danced before. And I will be breathing in more air than I have breathed before. For now I am holding on tight with my eyes closed, and my heart wide open.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

today sucked

It truly did. It sucked. I have just walked out of my children's room. My eyes are swollen. I have just cried my little people to sleep. They cried too. And then they stopped. Taj touched my face, and asked, "mummy, are you crying?" I said, "yes sweetheart, mummy is crying." He put his arm around me, and said, "mummy I love you so much." That was the last sound I heard from both of them. They fell asleep to their mum crying. Keely's hand was in mine and Taj had his arms wrapped around me.

A friend said to me today to say when I am having a hard time. To not keep it inside. That women should talk. We all have our bad times, and we have our good times. Life is that rollercoaster ride, and right now I am on a ride I don't want to be on. I have to. I have no choice but to sit here, and hope that I can be strong enough to get off the ride when it is finished.

This morning I said to all of you that I am starting to believe I am strong. Yes I have been through a lot in my life. Maybe more than a person should ever have to face. And I am still surviving. Right now I could curl up and give up. But I cannot give up. I have to suck it up. Wipe the tears. Get up, put the dirty dishes in the sink, and clean up for a new day. I will most probably pour a fish bowl glass of wine, and cry some more. Then I will eventually get too tired, and go to sleep. Tomorrow I will wake up, and it will be a new day.

Today sucked. And I wish it was over. I want this ride to be finished. Today I am not strong.

my decision to use my voice

People tell me I am strong. My friends tell me. Strangers tell me. I am only just starting to believe I truly am; to an extent. I am not as strong as some of you may believe. I still have moments of weakness. Not that I would like to call it weakness. I think it is more a step backwards, in which I can make two steps forward. I believe that if you believe in yourself enough that you can do anything. I learnt this from my mum. She told me I could be anything in life. She told me I could do anything that my heart wanted. My mum was right. She truly is right.

I made the decision to survive. I made the decision to not be scared anymore. I guess that is why I blog. I write to share the fear. When you share it, the fear is not as scary as you thought it was. And I must say to use my words, and for them to be your words is a beautiful thing.

I won't stop sharing the awesome times in my life, the hard times, the fun times, and the sad times. There is someone out there that is feeling the same. And I won't feel so alone, and neither will you.

There are things that drive me in life, and one of them is the words I can freely type, or write. I love that I was shown I could dance with words. And I love that I was shown by you, that I can dance for you.

Thank you. x

Monday, May 16, 2011

I am running

It is hard to back up a post after sharing a post I still kind of wish I did not publish. I am embarrassed to admit what I admitted. I by far feel like a role model to my children. There is no way I ever want them to face this illness. An illness I know like many mothers, I want to protect them from. I do hope that facing this, I can help my children avoid it.

I did not want to say I was having a hard time. I truly am happy, and then to say I am hurting myself by not eating was hard to admit.

Sometimes we forget to put ourselves first as mothers, or parents. This was me forgetting. I forgot that in order for me to be an awesome mum, and person, I had to look after me. I was suppressing the hurt, and I was forgetting to eat. I was not making time to eat. It is also easier to avoid a decision, then to make the decision.

My dancing shoes are on. I am dancing. And I am eating.

I am running down that road. I found the right way to turn, and I am running. {It may not be the right way to others, but it was my decision, and I believe that makes it the right way}.

{Thank you to my beautiful daughter, Keely, who took these images of me drinking my peppermint tea. An awesome photographer. But apparently, she is going to be a doctor, not a photographer}!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

to eat

I am not looking after myself. I am putting me last. I know I should be putting myself first. But I have let me go. I have put all of my energy into the stress I have around me in my personal life. I am at a crossroad, and I don't know which way to go. Standing here, I have forgotten that I need to eat to survive.

I had an eating disorder for years. It was my way of dealing with my abuse. It was the one thing I had control over, and it also was a way of punishing myself for what had happened. I had bulimia. And I know the eating disorder will be with me for life. You need food to survive. It is there each day. Every day you put something in your mouth it is there.

Being shown how to eat and feel no guilt was the best thing I could of done. The cleanse I did helped me more than I ever thought it would. But throw stress into my life and I loose my appetite. I loose that desire to eat. I have to force myself to eat. The stress causes me to not eat.*

I know I have to look after myself. I know that. I know I have two little people that need me. I know I have to fuel my body to survive. But I don't have the desire to eat. I am not feeling it.

On thursday I looked after myself. After a week of not being able to run, continued asthma attacks, and not really eating, I went and saw my doctor.

To share this, will hopefully make me see that I need to look after me. It will hopefully create awareness on such a horrible illness. An illness that can still be there when you have acceptance on your body image, an illness that can be a way of control, and an illness that is not only affecting women or men in their teens. You know it doesn't matter how much someone is dancing their life away, it doesn't matter how much they are smiling, it doesn't matter how beautiful things look from the outside, they could still be hurting and struggling on the inside.

There will be an answer. I just need to decide which road I am walking down, and walk. Or even run down it. For now I am being brave by saying that I have an eating disorder. And I am getting help to survive.

*This is no reflection on how I feel about my own body, about body image, and my weight. These are not issues. I accept my body. This is a coping mechanism that I am using. I do not feel any good for dealing with my stress in this way. I am actually quite embarrassed, so much so that not all of my closest friends even know. I acknowledge that I have to get well in order to take that next step, and that is what I am doing. I am eating. Not a lot, but I am eating. I am also still very happy. I am still dancing. But I like everyone in life, has some stress to deal with.

I wrote this post a day ago, but Blogger was having issues, and I could not publish this post. One day and one night later. I have made my decision. I am going to run to the next road. And to get there I have the strength from the support around me. Making the decision to run, has allowed me to take the next step. The next step in my life with my little people.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

to drive with acceptance

There is nothing like sparking a conversation amongst women. We talk. That is what women do. However at times we do keep things to ourselves, especially when it comes to parenting and all that comes with being a mother. Is it because of the feeling of judgement? That competitiveness that some of us may feel. We all want to be mother of the year. I know I do for my children, and for them alone. Who cares what other women think? We do, don't we? I do. Self conscious. Only at times.

I accept the woman I am. I accept the mother I am. I still have moments. We all have moments if we are mothers or not, if we are a man or a woman, if we are an adult or a child, if we have acceptance or not. That I think is normal. We all would like to be the best people we can be. We just have to do that for ourselves.

I did it for me.

There was a crossroad and I had a choice. I chose to accept me. To accept the life I now had. That was hard; to accept a motherless daughter, to accept a single mum, to accept walking on my own, and to accept that my body had changed.


I am me. Me sometimes sucks, (and most of the time I rock). Me sometimes has hard times. I tackle each day as it comes, and I do it with a smile. I do it knowing that tomorrow will be better. Even in a moment it can be better. You just need to find that moment, or believe that moment will come.

I believe I have that sexy woman back due to finding me. No matter which me I am today, the happy me, the sad me, the funny me, the awesome me, the sick me, I am still living a day with acceptance.

That is how I got my drive back. My drive for life. My drive to suck that air in everyday. And dare I say my sex drive.

Thank you for being you, and being brave, and telling it like it is. Some women never loose that drive after having a baby, and some of us do. It is nice to talk about it. Talking means you are not alone.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

win a new ford territory for a year and $5000

Clearly I have it on the brain. I need to blog about drive. All I can think about is.... Sex drive. Call me randy? Come on I know you have it. It is in there somewhere. I know some of you might feel robbed of it. You have little people and, bang, just like that the drive is gone.

I had the little people, and I had no sex drive. It came back momentarily when I wanted another baby. Why would I have any kind of drive? I had little people pulling at me all day. I could not go to the toilet on my own, have a shower, even go to the letterbox. There was always a little shadow. I did not want anyone to touch me after my children went to bed. My buttons were all pushed in. And don't get me started on the time. Give me a 30 hour day, and maybe, just maybe then we can start talking about sex. Maybe.

I had no sleep. Both my little people were horrid sleepers. Not sure what made them bad sleepers (besides the fact their mummies buttons had no more room to move); they were both not sleeping through the night, when every other child their age was. (Mother of the year alarm). I was tired. I was more than tired, I was exhausted. I had stretch marks, extra bits, and boobs that did not look like my boobs. They were not mine, they were my daughters, and then, they were my sons. They were far from sexy, so far in fact I felt like a jersey cow. They were their milk jugs. And then they deflated, and kind of went south with the rest of my body.

No sex appeal. I was on the south coast drive.

Now a single mother, approaching my mid 30s with two little people, there is something driving me. I am not too sure if it is the little guy that lives inside me that revs my engine, and helps put me into first gear, or if it is the fact I am at the age of sexual peak. I am still tired. I am still exhausted at times, and I still have my buttons pushed. I still have that little shadow with me. I still go to the toilet with an audience. And now I drink more coffee, and wine then I ever have.

But I have it. I have the drive. The sex drive. I have it enough to at least talk about it.

Why? I am not sure if I know the answer. I would be guessing, and my guess would be either the fact I accept all of me. I accept the body I now have. The extra bits, stretch marks, and the boobs that are deflated and hang south. I accept that I will be tired. I accept that I need coffee to get me through the day, and the wine in the evening to congratulate myself for getting through the day. Or maybe it is that peak that women are meant to have. Or maybe I found the 30 hour day.

Did you get your drive back? Or are you still sitting in the backseat in between the little people?


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