Tuesday, April 14, 2015

being someone awesome beyond the survivor of child sexual assault

When I set out on my journey to be somebody that made a difference, I took the little girl inside of me, held her hand and brought her along for the ride. I was a victim of child sexual assault for a long time. That moment I held my own hand is when I became a survivor. The thing that came to me late last week is that I don't need to be a survivor for the rest of my life. So what label will I wear, and who's hand will I hold?

Being the victim, you could only imagine the horror that I faced, and faced for many years. Finding my voice allowed the horror to end, and for me to start a new life beyond the child suffering at the hands of abuse. From the victim I fought and I built courage and strength I didn't even know was humanly possible. I became Blease, not the name I was previously known as when I was a victim. With my mums help I carried her father's name with pride and love. I was just part of her from that moment, no part of him. That in itself was strength. Although it was the steps it took to become that name that the strength came from. Every single step was built from me. Every single step I took forward to fight him in court, to fight to have my own identity with a new name, to make the step to leave all of my friends and family to be free and safe was from my steps alone. From my own strength. Because I chose to be strong and to have courage to be free.

I am not sure this is making sense, however I have come to realise there is so much more than being the survivor of sexual assault. You could almost say I have had an epiphany. But for me it is just another step in my life for being more than what he ever believed I was. 

Today I spoke for an hour about me, about what I believed, and what I have come to realise in the past week. Today was massive, huge, enormous. 

Today I became me. I moved away from the title of survivor of child sexual assault. In the past week I made the decision that I cannot live in fear. I cannot allow him to have that hold on my life. I don't want to be afraid of the dark. So I made the choice not to be. Easier said than done, it has taken time, not an overnight achievement. And I have no doubt there will be times when I am scared. However I choose not to be. I am allowing myself to have the courage to be myself. To live a life where I am free, and able to help others. 

I am Hayley Blease, an advocate of what you can become if you believe in yourself. Don't give up believing that one day you can be more than what you thought you were. Believe that you can have awesome, and completely deserve awesome, because you too are awesome.

Now that is what Be Brave is all about. I cannot wait to grow more as I take more steps into achieving what needs to be achieved to make our world aware and safe. I don't need to hold my own hand anymore. I want to be the person that holds hands, and makes a difference to another life other than my own.

Monday, April 13, 2015

I killed the monster under my bed {in my head}

Life will be full of tough questions from our children. Some may be easier than others to answer and others will give you a lump in your throat, some may even make the saliva in your mouth dry up as you try to answer their questions. Yesterday I thought my mouth would dry up and I would lose my train of thought. I didn't want to stuff this one up. He is only 6, and he is my little guy and I will do anything to protect him and his sister.

Twice in the same week I was asked about the man that stole my childhood innocence. 

Taj: mum where is your dad? (I am silent, say nothing as I am thinking). Where is the man that nanny married to have you? Who is he?

Me: I'm not sure, maybe still in Canberra

Taj: is he dead? Can I meet him?

Me: I have no idea if he is dead. (Silently I am hoping he is). No you cannot meet him as I have nothing to do with him and I haven't seen him for a very long time and do not want to. He is not a nice man.

Taj: What did he do? 

Me: he hurt me

Taj: with the wooden spoon? 

Me: no, worse

Taj: oh mum, did he hit you with a rock?

Me: no worse. Taj he is not in my life or our life because he did things that makes him a monster. 

Taj: oh wow he's a monster!

Taj hugs me for ages, as this was our morning hug time, and then runs out to Keely, 'did you know that mum's dad is a monster?!' Keely answers with a yes.

In this situation it could have been cut off quickly. I could have said nothing. However I did not come out of silence to not protect my children. They need to know in a safe way that no one is to hurt them as there are consequences. That we are not shaped by other people's actions. My mouth didn't dry up, I was confident with a little shock. He is only 6 and asking me something I didn't think I would be answering until he was much older. Keely and Taj both know why I did 777 and why I run. They know enough for it to be clear to them that I am trying to protect children by sharing my story. One day they will hear the story and know the story. I have hope that they will take this through their lives in a positive and strong way.

This past week I have learnt a great deal about myself. It's been a week where I have allowed myself to finally believe that I am more than I believe I am. It was a lovely email that I received that kicked me up the butt. It was about luck and my luck, and the fact it isn't luck. See the thing is, I am not lucky to have the life I have. I have earned every bit of the good stuff. I deserve to be loved and love right back. I have my courage and my strength because I built that. It isn't the abuse that shapes me. I have shaped me. I am the awesome, loving, generous, successful business woman and an awesome mum because I've chosen to be that person.

I really lost myself for a while there. No confidence in who I am and what I am doing. I am grabbing myself by the ear, and pulling myself out of this hole I only dug myself. I have no idea where the confidence went. But believing in the words that come out of my mouth, believing in my choices, and my beliefs, will in turn give me back that confidence to be the person I am. 

Now I am off for a run.... because I believe I can run!

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

my mum held my hand, as I held my daughter's hand

Today is a huge day for me, it is Little Pinwheel's 6th birthday and my mum's birthday too. Each year it is a double celebration for the business that continues to be a success and the mum I have sadly lost. Every birthday I realise how lucky I am and grateful I am to have made the decisions I have made in life. All of this wouldn't be possible without my mum's love and support. She doesn't know about Little Pinwheel, as it was launched 2 years after she passed away. However I know she would be proud.

Today was also huge because my beautiful girl asked if I had a dad, and she asked me where he was. I knew by the look on her face and the way that she asked me, that she knew that he had not been a nice man. I guess her question came up today after we had looked through my mum's album, and there is not one image of me growing up with a father in it. 

Keely's eyes welled up as the questions started. I hope I said the right things, and I think I did. I told her that I don't have a dad because he hurt me. I told Keely he was mean to me. She cried, and she asked me what he did. I told her that I am ok, that her mum is here and safe and right there with her. He could not hurt me anymore. 

To hold her hand in mine and see the pain she had on her face was heartbreaking. She genuinely cared.  I told her that is why I run, why I helped her school, and why I continue to do things to help make children safe.

I am grateful that Keely asked me these questions. I am also glad it was today; I had mum holding my hand.

Happy birthday mumso, and happy birthday Little Pinwheel! {Woo hoo, 6 years}

*I shared mine and Keely's conversation as I feel this is a turning point in my life. Back when mum passed away, Keely was 7 months old. She saved me through the loss of my mum. Today she may just have done the saving again. I needed my groove back in the dreams I have inside my heart. I just need to find my shuffle again, and I will be dancing towards helping create a safe environment for our children.

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

confronting myself

When I write, I get this sense of relief. It is much the same relief I get when I run. That might sound random, as they are both two very different activities. One requires more exertion than the other. Although at the moment, I am finding it an effort to blog. It is because I care about what you think. When I shouldn't care.

It isn't about the blog, it is about me. I lost the clear vision of me, and in turn I lost how to have confidence when I opened my mouth to have a conversation. It doesn't help when you hear that someone doesn't think much of you as a person. I guess when you hear that same one person saying over and over again things that make you feel like nothing, then you start to believe it. You also start to question yourself. It is a little sad that I have allowed myself to get to this point. This particular person doesn't even need to be my friend, and doesn't truly need to be in my life that much. 

Take this person out of the light. Take them out of the full picture, and you just have one lady that lost herself in the process of trying to be someone that everyone likes. The thing is, not everyone is going to like me, or you. That is life. Not an easy thing for me to come to terms with.

In order for me to take this exertion of writing away, I need to be true to myself, and start to believe again. I know a lot of people that used to read the blog no longer read the blog. And that is ok. Mostly people are involved in Instagram and sharing a story in images there. It is a nice place to be, and I enjoy it too. I need to enjoy being here again, sharing our life behind the business, and within the business. I love to write, and to find the true me again, I need to write. Even if it bores the crap out of you!

Today I had a moment where I questioned who I was. I asked myself who Blease was, after I was asked if I truly believed the awful stuff this person was saying about me were true. I don't believe any of it is true. Sometimes there are people that like to make you feel like nothing, in order for them to feel better about themselves. Blease is a loving, caring, funny, impulsive, successful, strong woman with a whole lot to offer anyone that wants to be a part of her life. 

That is me; I truly am awesome, I am colourful, I am a rad and loving mum, and I have a lot to offer this life of mine.

Another blog post, and I am not even breaking out a sweat! I came here today to admit I lost my way, and lost a big piece of me along the way. I truly am grateful and lucky to have people that love and care about me. Today I went back to my counsellor. It is tough to admit you need a chat. Although it is pretty awesome when you start talking. I am one smart lady, I just need to have the understanding now, understand what conflict is, what a conversation is, and know that not every conversation I have will end in confrontation. If I stay true to what I believe in, and who I am, then it will be ok to do what is right for us.

The confrontation goes when you believe in yourself. 

Thursday, March 5, 2015

you are enough

We all love to better ourselves, or make ourselves feel awesome. Do you ever feel like maybe you have died your hair enough, you have enough clothes hanging in your wardrobe, and maybe the person you are is enough.

How much does one need to work on themselves before they can look in the mirror and be happy with the person that is staring right back at them?

I am personally trying to understand post traumatic disorder, how it affects me being a survivor. I am trying to understand why when life is pretty cool that I am riddled with nightmares. Not just nightmares. Nightmares that haunt me for days. Along with the nightmares comes the anxiety, and today panic attacks. {PANIC attacks, over leaving the house}! At first I was wondering what was going on, and then it was pretty obvious that the small things were way too much for me. 

Anxiety is the pits.

And being a survivor sucks arse. Although maybe it is more being the victim sucks. It is said that you should be the survivor and stop being the victim. But how do you stop that when nightmares come, when anxiety hits you in the chest, and when things in your life are affected from fears he planted in you from a very young age. I stopped being the victim the moment I walked away. The thing is the post traumatic side decides it is going to hang around. I have worked so hard on changing the way I think about things, about myself. I have died my hair, I have gone on diets, and I have an overflowing wardrobe. I have done things to try and be in control of things. Of myself.

Sometimes it is time to stand still, get the understanding you need, start believing in yourself, and see the person in the mirror is very loved by two beautiful children, by the lover that cares, she is loved by her closest friends, and she may even be cared about from people she doesn't even know.

The next step needs to start now. I know it won't be an overnight fix, but I plan on looking at myself and seeing that I am enough. That there is no more making me better. I am me, a survivor, sometimes I will feel like a victim, someone that will suffer anxiety at times in her life, and someone that may react differently to you in certain situations. It is ok to say I am scared, that I hurt, and that I am enough.

I am enough. 

{Today I left the house, I was fine. I was safe, and I had a day where I was kind to myself in the levels of stress I placed on myself. I made myself public, talking to people, and that somewhat grounded me, and allowed me to see that I was ok}.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

a blog party!

Birthday's are awesome, and this month Little Pinwheel blog has been around for 6 years. I have taken some breaks over this time, and thoroughly enjoyed not getting any older. 

I am still loving everything about little pinwheel, and how Keely and Taj are still a huge part of it. Yesterday they modelled some of the new winter threads from Munster, and our new label Loud Apparel.

Keely is now 9, and Taj is 6.... I haven't aged a bit!

Monday, February 23, 2015

being brave

I love positiveness. I love being that positive person, but right now, I am in my 3 monthlies. Yes, I have 3 monthlies. One of my best friends pointed it out to me a year or so ago. She is right. I have this spiral that comes and hits me down to rock bottom every 3 months. It is the cycle of believing I am anything more than he made me be. Yes, here we go, another survivor post. Well this one is a little different, as I am deep in the cycle, and I am feeling rather like nothing. I think it is good to get this out. So you and hopefully the right people can see what child sexual assault does to an adult. What it continues to do to the inner child. It isn't about poor me, as it is reality. These are true feelings of deep pain that he inflicted on me.

People say you should pick yourself up, dust off the dirt and keep going. I do that, I do it all the time, and maybe later today I will do just that. I cannot be this person when I pick up my children. I would never allow them to see what he did to me. They are going to have a normal childhood, and one day I can tell myself how awesome I am to achieve that for them.

For now it is a moment I need to be deep in this emotional crap and deal with the anxiety that is ripping my chest apart, and be right in amongst the words in my head that tell me that he is a coward and should have killed me back when I was a child. Instead he slowly kills me when I am in this spiral and I have to continue to pull myself out of it. I don't sleep, always waiting for the boogie man to come and get me. I eventually fall asleep thinking that if he came and killed me, it would stop the pain anyway. Awesome thoughts to have. I should be counting sheep, or dreaming about the beautiful things I could only dream of doing,  or falling asleep with a smile on my face with the achievements I have made in my life, and most importantly how I can change all of this. How can I get him?

Those words my mum promised me as he walked out of the Supreme Court, 'we will get him. One day we will get him.' Sometimes I feel I already have. But right now, I feel I haven't. It all comes down to the fact he walked out to freedom. He is not the only man that walks out. He walked out to hurt another child. Oh the pain inside of how many children he hurt after that freedom the law gave him. They basically told him that he did nothing wrong, that he has a right to be free and hurt other children. This hurts incredibly. And now I have to be the one that keeps fighting. Because no one else will. Everyone just forgets. But me, I won't ever forget. I am the one that lays awake waiting for him. I don't even think it would matter if he was dead. The fears don't go. Maybe it wouldn't matter if he was in jail. I would still be scared?

The point is, the system sucks. It isn't right, and in order for people to take notice, you need to do crazy things, like run with an audience, have 777 Be Brave tee shirts designed just for you, just for you to have a bigger voice, that in turn helps other survivors, and you need to jump onto the Royal commission, and hope that you are heard enough. I just wish I could shout loud enough for it to be enough. But I am not the only one that probably feels like this. Who am I to think that the right person would actually hear me, and changes would be made. But that is being way too negative, even in the way I am feeling right now.

That was this morning. It is a tough post to put live. These are some of the things that go through my head when I feel like this. It isn't cool, it isn't nice to feel so awful about yourself. He is a monster for what he has done to me. I hope one day he too is as scared as I am. I hope he lays awake wondering if I am going to come and be his boogie man. 

I am a good person. I can only hope that this voice of mine, and the determination to change things will be enough one day. I have achieved a lot. I have raised $19,460 for Bravehearts, with the goal of $25,000. I have had a private letter from the Royal Commission about my submission, I have sold a great chunk of those Be Brave tee shirts, and continue to do so. My children are still proud when they wear theirs. I know there is a lot more I have achieved with the person I am too. I just wish I could do more to make the changes happen that need to happen. I would also love to confront him, or even go back to court. {Never thought I would ever want to go back or face him}. I will continue to do the crazy things, because people do notice you when you do things out of the ordinary. Like the month of April I will wear red lipstick for sexual assault and domestic violence awareness. It is a worldwide event, you too can join in! I am still training to do more in running/cycling. That dream has never gone. 

One day things will change that will help a lot more children live the lives they deserve. For now, I am able to give my children the life they deserve. I should be proud of being enough for them. 


Related Posts with Thumbnails