Friday, January 23, 2015

no rule books

My little people are growing up pretty fast. Probably at the same rate as your little people are. {That is of course if you have children}. Sometimes you blink and you see a glimpse of a teenager within your 9 year old daughter. That is when I am pretty quick to shut my eyes, and bring back my 9 year old girl. It is exciting watching them grow, and learning about themselves more, and us learning about them too.

Lately my daughter and son have been splitting some of their time between myself and their dad, out of their normal routine. I am not sure what you do in these circumstances, there are no rule books, and my gut tells me to go with the flow, and not make a big deal out of it. 

Yesterday Taj wanted to stay with his dad's partner and later see his dad. It was to her face he asked, and straight to mine. Inside I was screaming, 'no, why am I not cool enough to hang out with.' On the outside, and the rationale me, was thinking, that is pretty nice that my son feels comfortable enough around her to spend time alone and be with her on their own,(and with his half baby sister too). I think that is awesome he cares about her, and she cares for him.

I knew the time would come when they would start choosing whom they wanted to be with more. I was just expecting it when they were in their teens. 

All of this aside, the bonus was I got to have a quality one on one day with Keely. It was pretty special and something I wanted to do again before the holidays were over. She has also been wanting me a bit more, so this was a great for both of us that her brother decided to hangout at their dad's house.

Divorced families can be tough, although sometimes I think they are tougher if you resist the flow. I know there are boundaries, and we need to watch that it doesn't become a regular thing if Taj or Keely believe they can get 'more' out of either parent. It is a balancing act we will all work out together.

We are off to the mountains tomorrow! A photo shoot, and some down time for this little pinwheel family before the school chaos begins again. Oh how I would love another week of holidays.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

fresh vegetables and herbs by our green thumbs

The green thumbs are out in force as we start to create our vegetable garden. It is only the beginning, and already we have some good looking basil, and the start of some tomatoes. I truly hope we are picking our own food, and not succumb to possum eaters. 

Not only did we get into the pots and egg cartons, the littles played schools in their newly designed room. Nothing spectacular in design, the room just has the addition of a new desk for Keely and Taj to do their homework on. We also put the bookshelf upright to help create some more space in their room, and packed a lot of their toys into spaces in the cupboard. 

Next we will be setting up the desk to make a space that they both feel comfortable to work from.  For now they have it overrun by lego men with their trucks and spaceships. 

We are loving school holidays and planning a trip to the mountains this weekend before the end of the holidays are upon us. I am loving this time with my little people and I have no doubt I will find the silence during the days a little too much when they go back to school. The mountains will be full of bush walks, a hopeful photo shoot for some of the new winter threads about to hit the little pinwheel website, and of course some downtime enjoying the country air. 

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

accepting that I am good enough to blog again!

With a cup of peppermint tea at my desk, and two children happily playing lego in their room, I have a few minutes to try and do a blog post. It has been a tough choice to blog or not to blog, one that ended up being the choice of a couple of other people over the course of the last week. Two separate moments where I was asked if I still write my blog. It was something I was considering doing more of this year and I guess sometimes you just need to go with your thoughts, good or bad, and roll with it. Writing is a great source of relief and pleasure for me. Plus it seems to be something others like to read. Even if it is just two people; it has helped them.

So here we are again; blogging.

Maybe I should start by giving a quick recap of what has been happening around here. Firstly, I did clean out my cupboard, and it felt awesome. I don't seem to get changed as much as I used to. However I am starting to try and accept that I am me, and I do a lot to look after myself. I am just maturing. {Such a great word to use once you get closer to 40}! It is also nice to go out and purchase a few new staples for your wardrobe. 

For New Years I made a resolution with my girlfriend, Karen. We always do them. I have used this one before, however I am needing to roll with it again for this year. It is, acceptance. The way I look at the acceptance for the year ahead, is broken down into my past. I don't like to say the past shapes the person I am, although, it truly does. I have my eyes wide open to the way I react to certain things, and I am trying hard to not be so hard on myself; accepting that some of my reactions are a reflection of my past. Yes maybe a little too much for a first blog post back in, and one that might be hard to explain properly in one go. I will do my best!

Am I good enough? That is a question I ask myself quite a bit. I question myself instantly in a lot of everyday conversations. I need to work on why I would be good enough, as apposed to the negative questioning. Accepting that I may react with the negative straight away as a protection mechanism, and working through situations where I have pulled myself apart, and allowing myself to remember the good person I am.

Yes it is all a lot of pulling my negative mind back into gear, and working on the positive energy I pump out for everyday life, and put some of it back into my inner self. It is like I rip layers of myself apart from the inside, not slowly peeling them like onion skin. Once in a moment of despair I am lost in being that little girl and it is incredibly hard to get out of her and back into my adult skin. It may sound weird, but the only place I can do that, if at home, is by laying in my children's room. It is something that  grounds me, and allows me to remember that I have a pretty huge purpose. If I am not at home, thankfully I am usually with others, and mostly my lover. He is great at being rationale, and helping me switch the head around enough to come back to being the adult me.

I have been pretty good. I have had a couple of tough days, but I am now getting better at analysing a situation with a bit more positive energy on the inside. It has been a good few months where I have felt safer. It is only in the last week or so that the nightmares are coming back. I have no idea why they are returning, especially when I feel like I am in a good place. The light is not on at night time, I still need to have my door closed, (I accept that will always be my thing), and I am not lying awake for hours with my eyes pinned open waiting for the boogie man.

Life of a survivor is probably no different to life of someone that has never been abused. We all have our things we need to deal with. This is mine, and I hope by blogging more, eventually writing a book, giving back to the community in awareness, and just being me will allow more to have a voice and help change the world..... yes I know huge, but I believe it can be done, and it will be done. May not be in my lifetime, but it will be in someone else's lifetime.

Welcome back to the Little Pinwheel blog... a life behind the online business, a life of a survivor from child sexual assault, with her two little people, and love of writing about all things from life in general. 

thank you to the two ladies that gave me my voice back in writing . I chose the images for this post as a reflection of what I just told you. The image with the flowers, is much brighter when you see your purpose in the background, and the image of me on the bed is pretty much a reenactment of where I was on Sunday morning.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

the positive body bits and pieces at almost 40

I am struggling to do a lot of things lately, and one of them is blogging. Although this is not my major struggle; I struggle to get dressed in the mornings. I play superman about 4 times on average until I am either happy with what I walk out of the house in, or I have completely ran out of time, and have to roll with it, until I come home to get changed at lunch time! I know nuts, right.

Taj dressed me in this outfit... black ripped jeans and a black singlet (he knows black is good)

But it isn't nuts, because as soon as I opened my mouth and spoke to people around me, one my doctor, it was clear to me that this is the norm around my age. I am getting close to 40, the figure has changed a little. (I know I am slim, and athletic, although I still get the bits and pieces). No one around me was talking about this issue, even though a lot of my friends are a little ahead of me in the age game. 

At first, I had posted on instagram, which went to my Facebook page, and I was personally having a 'what the?' reaction. The comments were awesome. My doctor also explained it to me, and my best friend that was recently 40 discussed it with me too. She talked about acceptance and how much she loves her body. She goes to the gym 3 times a week, eats pretty well, but not scared to have a blow out with the food we all love. 'Why be scared, I go to the gym 3 times a week!' I love it, because she taught me a lot right there and then over a good cup of coffee, and freshly baked homemade {treat} muffins.

I walked away thinking, acceptance without the guilt

The very next day, Taj dressed me. I asked him to choose my outfit for the day. The day after Keely chose my outfit. From then on, I have chosen and not changed once. It has been 6 days. I feel I am out of that stupid head rut I was in, and to make sure tomorrow I take on a new challenge.

keely's outfit... she loves me in skirts!

It is the clear the cupboard out, and start fresh challenge. All clothes I don't really wear, the ones I have had issues with in the past few weeks, will be boxed up and shipped off to one of my best friends. She will have her rummage, make sure I am not being too crazy, and then the remaining clothes will go to a charity.

Big job, however I think it will be worth it. Women need to accept their bodies at all stages in their lives. I wish I loved my body in my 20s, instead of being so hung up about it. I have decided I will love my body at 37 and beyond. We all learn at some stage, and I will pass all this awesome knowledge onto my daughter. She can live a positive body image life early on.

Bring on operation fashion parade!

{recovery is going well, I have a wind trainer and riding my bike with minimal impact on my leg. I feel great}!

Thursday, November 6, 2014

good karma for being brave

It is the week that just keeps giving! Who doesn't love some good karma flying back in their face? This week it has been mine, and it is such a reward for sharing my voice in words to the Royal Commission into child sexual assault.

This morning I received a phone call from a lady Commissioner. She had been passed on my details as the Commissioner who read my letter was very touched by the words I had written. Because my personal story does not fall under the specific terms of reference, a Commissioner is going to personally write back to me in reference to my letter into the Royal Commission. I had made some very good points of reference in my survival of child sexual assault. The lady was lovely, and told me that they do not single out letters and call people independently, however in this case they wanted to talk to me, and then also put a few things into writing, and post me a letter within a week.

Writing to the Royal Commission was last minute, (the day before submissions closed), however it was not written with only minutes to spare. This was and is my life story. I wish I could share it with you, and one day I hope to. It has parts of my story in reference to what they are asking for in this particular paper. I even outline at the bottom of my personal letter that I may not fall under their criteria, however continue to have a majority of the answers with good points of reference reflecting to my personal story. I did something to warrant a phone call. Even when you don't fall under a 'category' in life, you should never single yourself out to be less the person you are. You never know just how awesome you are until you share your story, and see how much you watch the dominos fall.

I am grateful for finding my voice, for sharing it with people like Tony Abbott, Mike Baird and the awesome Pat Farmer. And I am grateful for having the support of the people close to me, and those I do not even know.

I know I am only one person, but I sure do feel like I have a full force of strength behind me from those who only wish they could share their voice too. I hope that in my lifetime I see the world change more when it comes to the laws surrounding child sexual assault, and that when I continue to work towards my dream of running around the world, I open a lot of people up to the fact they too can talk about child sexual assault, being a survivor or not. 

Monday, November 3, 2014

one year on, and now I am talking to Tafe students!

One deep breath and I was underway. Without thinking I was talking about child sexual assault and sharing my story. A year on since 777 and I was composed, confident and I felt safe. I knew one student in the room, who helped me get today's guest talk at the Tafe. Other than that they were new faces and people that wanted to listen.

I was living a dream. They didn't know that I wanted to talk to schools and create awareness in that way. I still cannot believe I have had this one dream and thought about this moment since I was in my late teens. Who thinks of a thing like that whilst facing court and the reality of life that was once a living nightmare. Who thinks about helping others by standing at the front of the classroom?

One brave little girl inside. That's who.

I sometimes wish I could talk to her. Connect to that scared girl inside and tell her that life will be ok. That it is safe.

Today they met a part of that girl, and at the same time they met a woman so brave and courageous to open up a subject that is no longer a secret. I hope they too will be brave and help others like the girl inside me when they graduate.

I hope this is the beginning of more for me, as I continue on with the Be Brave campaign. I am really proud of how far I have come, and where this big voice of mine is leading me in life. What a survivor!

Monday, October 27, 2014

parenting: give yourself credit, it is due

The worst critic is myself. I am awesome at pulling layers off myself, and then having to take the time to put them all back on again. It is exhausting, and it isn't a cool thing to do to yourself. I feel I have pulled back on being as hard on myself as I used to be. Sometimes all it takes is the simplest of things to give yourself a pat on the back.

Today I did just that. Smiled huge, as I looked through old images of my little people.

I have come a long way with being a single parent. My reward is two awesome, beautiful and inspiring little people. I don't think it would matter if I was a single parent or not. We are too hard on ourselves as parents. Maybe today, you too can give yourself a pat on the back.

They are happy, healthy and a reminder of just how perfect I am for them.


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