Thursday, March 5, 2015

you are enough

We all love to better ourselves, or make ourselves feel awesome. Do you ever feel like maybe you have died your hair enough, you have enough clothes hanging in your wardrobe, and maybe the person you are is enough.

How much does one need to work on themselves before they can look in the mirror and be happy with the person that is staring right back at them?

I am personally trying to understand post traumatic disorder, how it affects me being a survivor. I am trying to understand why when life is pretty cool that I am riddled with nightmares. Not just nightmares. Nightmares that haunt me for days. Along with the nightmares comes the anxiety, and today panic attacks. {PANIC attacks, over leaving the house}! At first I was wondering what was going on, and then it was pretty obvious that the small things were way too much for me. 

Anxiety is the pits.

And being a survivor sucks arse. Although maybe it is more being the victim sucks. It is said that you should be the survivor and stop being the victim. But how do you stop that when nightmares come, when anxiety hits you in the chest, and when things in your life are affected from fears he planted in you from a very young age. I stopped being the victim the moment I walked away. The thing is the post traumatic side decides it is going to hang around. I have worked so hard on changing the way I think about things, about myself. I have died my hair, I have gone on diets, and I have an overflowing wardrobe. I have done things to try and be in control of things. Of myself.

Sometimes it is time to stand still, get the understanding you need, start believing in yourself, and see the person in the mirror is very loved by two beautiful children, by the lover that cares, she is loved by her closest friends, and she may even be cared about from people she doesn't even know.

The next step needs to start now. I know it won't be an overnight fix, but I plan on looking at myself and seeing that I am enough. That there is no more making me better. I am me, a survivor, sometimes I will feel like a victim, someone that will suffer anxiety at times in her life, and someone that may react differently to you in certain situations. It is ok to say I am scared, that I hurt, and that I am enough.

I am enough. 

{Today I left the house, I was fine. I was safe, and I had a day where I was kind to myself in the levels of stress I placed on myself. I made myself public, talking to people, and that somewhat grounded me, and allowed me to see that I was ok}.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

a blog party!

Birthday's are awesome, and this month Little Pinwheel blog has been around for 6 years. I have taken some breaks over this time, and thoroughly enjoyed not getting any older. 

I am still loving everything about little pinwheel, and how Keely and Taj are still a huge part of it. Yesterday they modelled some of the new winter threads from Munster, and our new label Loud Apparel.

Keely is now 9, and Taj is 6.... I haven't aged a bit!

Monday, February 23, 2015

being brave

I love positiveness. I love being that positive person, but right now, I am in my 3 monthlies. Yes, I have 3 monthlies. One of my best friends pointed it out to me a year or so ago. She is right. I have this spiral that comes and hits me down to rock bottom every 3 months. It is the cycle of believing I am anything more than he made me be. Yes, here we go, another survivor post. Well this one is a little different, as I am deep in the cycle, and I am feeling rather like nothing. I think it is good to get this out. So you and hopefully the right people can see what child sexual assault does to an adult. What it continues to do to the inner child. It isn't about poor me, as it is reality. These are true feelings of deep pain that he inflicted on me.

People say you should pick yourself up, dust off the dirt and keep going. I do that, I do it all the time, and maybe later today I will do just that. I cannot be this person when I pick up my children. I would never allow them to see what he did to me. They are going to have a normal childhood, and one day I can tell myself how awesome I am to achieve that for them.

For now it is a moment I need to be deep in this emotional crap and deal with the anxiety that is ripping my chest apart, and be right in amongst the words in my head that tell me that he is a coward and should have killed me back when I was a child. Instead he slowly kills me when I am in this spiral and I have to continue to pull myself out of it. I don't sleep, always waiting for the boogie man to come and get me. I eventually fall asleep thinking that if he came and killed me, it would stop the pain anyway. Awesome thoughts to have. I should be counting sheep, or dreaming about the beautiful things I could only dream of doing,  or falling asleep with a smile on my face with the achievements I have made in my life, and most importantly how I can change all of this. How can I get him?

Those words my mum promised me as he walked out of the Supreme Court, 'we will get him. One day we will get him.' Sometimes I feel I already have. But right now, I feel I haven't. It all comes down to the fact he walked out to freedom. He is not the only man that walks out. He walked out to hurt another child. Oh the pain inside of how many children he hurt after that freedom the law gave him. They basically told him that he did nothing wrong, that he has a right to be free and hurt other children. This hurts incredibly. And now I have to be the one that keeps fighting. Because no one else will. Everyone just forgets. But me, I won't ever forget. I am the one that lays awake waiting for him. I don't even think it would matter if he was dead. The fears don't go. Maybe it wouldn't matter if he was in jail. I would still be scared?

The point is, the system sucks. It isn't right, and in order for people to take notice, you need to do crazy things, like run with an audience, have 777 Be Brave tee shirts designed just for you, just for you to have a bigger voice, that in turn helps other survivors, and you need to jump onto the Royal commission, and hope that you are heard enough. I just wish I could shout loud enough for it to be enough. But I am not the only one that probably feels like this. Who am I to think that the right person would actually hear me, and changes would be made. But that is being way too negative, even in the way I am feeling right now.

That was this morning. It is a tough post to put live. These are some of the things that go through my head when I feel like this. It isn't cool, it isn't nice to feel so awful about yourself. He is a monster for what he has done to me. I hope one day he too is as scared as I am. I hope he lays awake wondering if I am going to come and be his boogie man. 

I am a good person. I can only hope that this voice of mine, and the determination to change things will be enough one day. I have achieved a lot. I have raised $19,460 for Bravehearts, with the goal of $25,000. I have had a private letter from the Royal Commission about my submission, I have sold a great chunk of those Be Brave tee shirts, and continue to do so. My children are still proud when they wear theirs. I know there is a lot more I have achieved with the person I am too. I just wish I could do more to make the changes happen that need to happen. I would also love to confront him, or even go back to court. {Never thought I would ever want to go back or face him}. I will continue to do the crazy things, because people do notice you when you do things out of the ordinary. Like the month of April I will wear red lipstick for sexual assault and domestic violence awareness. It is a worldwide event, you too can join in! I am still training to do more in running/cycling. That dream has never gone. 

One day things will change that will help a lot more children live the lives they deserve. For now, I am able to give my children the life they deserve. I should be proud of being enough for them. 

Wednesday, February 18, 2015


Keely and Taj only just received homework this week after 3 weeks back into school, and I have no doubt it won't stop rolling in until the first set of school holidays arrive. I decided to give my littles my own made up homework last week. It enabled us to try out the new desk, and it helped us set up the base for a good after school routine.

In order for us to have a successful year we need to work together on this. I have decided to clock off my business head, and clock into the school mum head every afternoon that I have my children. We have decided to rock this year! Keely has chosen her high schools she would like to go to, and it means she needs to work hard in achieving her two chosen schools. {She is only in grade 4, but who am I to stop her from achieving her goal}

Keely has gymnastics on a Monday and this Monday we received the first lot of real homework. It was all systems go, and it seemed to work. Taj had finished his maths homework and practiced his spelling words with me, and also read his reader. Keely did all of her daily compulsory parts of her homework and then we moved onto other things, which she can do on my iPad. It is quite cool as her teacher can see what she has done by logging onto her student id. 

I guess if we can get through Mondays, which is one of our busiest days, and the first day of homework, I am sure we will all achieve this year.

I wish nothing more than happy children, and ones that enjoy learning. {Plus a bit more of these late afternoon walks to play on the street swing}. 

Here is to a great year for all children attending school this year! And their parents.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

overseas adventures for Keely

Last weekend we were lucky enough to venture across the ditch to New Zealand. It is one of the most beautiful places to visit. I have now been 3 times in the past few months and another trip planned for next month. This time Keely was able to come along too, and wow did she love it. Her first ever overseas adventure!

New Zealand feels like another home for me. One that is waiting to be explored even more. It is lovely I am able to share this amazing country with my little people. It was the last place my mum visited a month before she passed away. She told me I had to see New Zealand; and that I have with my New Zealand lover, and my daughter by my side.

I am looking forward to seeing Keely's passport fill up with stamps throughout her life. I am starting late doing mine, but I say it is never too late to have adventures in your life.

Friday, January 30, 2015

a letter to the boogie man

Dear boogie man that is hanging in my peripheral vision, I have no idea where you have come from, why you are here right now and why you are giving me grief when I am doing awesome. 

The flashes of the boogie man are back. He is there in my nightmares, and sadly waking me up. Not only is he grabbing me there, he is also hanging around when I am riding on my bike, sitting here on the computer, and yesterday he sat right in that dark spot of your eye when you blink. He is even hanging around in the daylight too.

I would give anything to see my mum in dreams, my mum in my peripheral vision, and have her sitting on the couch telling me to cycle faster. But no, I have to have that sick prick hanging around when he is not wanted. 

Every now and then, I will write posts about my past, about what I deal with now, and how I am coping. I think it is important to share what it is like to be over 20 years on since my last sexual assault from my father. Until laws and the way we talk about child sexual assault change, I won't stop sharing what it is like to be a survivor. Don't get me wrong, it is not all nightmares, and flashbacks of the child within being violated. It is also me being able to reflect on how strong I am, how much I have been able to achieve, and what an awesome life I will give to my children, and the life lessons I can teach them with my personal success to survive.

Because ultimately, I want to change the world, and in order to do that, you need to share your awesome side. No one wants to hear bad things. I guess that is why I will take my story around the world with my achievements to run, to cycle and to swim. However I do it in the near future, will be the reflection of the winning fight to survive from the child within. Sometimes you will hear the heartache, but the next day you might see a post where I am living my life, just the way you are too. 

Thank you for listening. Everyone has a superhero outfit, or everyone needs to believe they have one. 

Thursday, January 29, 2015

the beautiful blue mountains

There is not much to say about the mountains without making you all feel quite jealous. It is one very beautiful place to spend a weekend. Here are some images that captured our weekend.

The best thing would have to be the bush walk together with my littles, with the ride back up on the rail. It was like a rollercoaster ride! Loved it. We were lucky to have the first two rows. Keely was in the front, with Taj next to myself and my lover. Taj had such a thrill of a ride, he ended up with sweaty palms!

I cannot wait to go away is as soon as next week we are hopping on a plane, and Keely is coming too. Her first overseas trip!


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