Tuesday, May 29, 2012

head in the clouds

My arms are up.... and down I go.....weeeeeeee. I think I jinxed myself last night mentioning the downward spiral we face in our lives. Well it is here. Nothing I would like to share in detail. I am sucking it up the best I can, and dealing with it too. I have been for a run, even with a chest infection, I pounded that pavement. I have baked with my little people, to only have Keely tell me she didn't like the white chocolate, but of course I was saved with the leftover cookies without white chocolate in them. PHEW. There could have been more tears. So in order to put my arms up in style, and ride the dip I thought I would share some of my favourite instagram images from the past few weeks. They all have a little story, and they are all about me and the two little people I love.

a new tattoo that is all about my own belief systems
what happens at the end of a fun friday

one of our fun fridays. a day that is all about this little guy and me

the sunrise from our home
my big love, proud of my school girl in her achievements

kindy pick up is always filled with a rock on moment, if it be the rockin' fingers, or the biggest snuggle

creating the memories from my childhood to theirs

just a foot photo, from a very special weekend 

my little people, being little people

their conversations, their moments

keely can skate

the happiness

the boys noises 

having some me time on wheels
having a chat

creating her own memories

dancing in the sun

high up in the clouds 

bubble beard

Sometimes there are things we cannot control in life. If it is something I cannot control that involves my little people, I turn to mush, and lose all my natural coping mechanisms. I try to be strong, but this is my weakness. A weakness I need to work on. Because punishing myself for something I cannot control is not a fair thing to do.

What is fair, is to go mushy over that image of my little people surrounded by bubbles in the bath; on cloud nine.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

the petrol station

Today I received a question: 'Hayley, how do you fuel yourself, if you are giving so much of "you"?' Answer: 'I get my fuel from my little people. A simple cuddle is a full tank. My friends are the top up fuel, with coffee dates, and hearing about their everyday lives.'

Life plan: bring out the "big" camera more. Prep dinner, take your shoes off, roll up your pants, and cross the road to have fun in the sand.

Double chocolate chip cookies wafting a yummy smell as the little people walked in the door this afternoon; another top up. {I promise, I only ate one, and I did not lick the bowl}!

Keely gives me a big squeeze of a cuddle, and says, 'I love you mumma!'

I am fueled with love. 

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

the baking plan

So I have this plan. A bit of a life plan. Nothing huge, but a little list of things I would like to change about myself in order to achieve a few goals. And I must say there are a lot of things receiving ticks next to them. The thing is, I cannot cross them off, as they are changes that I want to have stay. Some things will go, but mostly this is all about improving myself as a person, and as a mother. I know I said it before, it doesn't mean I am a bad mother just because I did not bake the cookies with my little people, and opted to purchase them all ready to eat. I just want to share this with my little people on a more permanent basis, instead of every now and then.

Banana muffins with chocolate chips were baked last week, and all the store bought treat biscuits are finished, which means we will be baking double chocolate chip cookies together. I sure hope we don't eat the whole batch once they come out of the oven. Please tell me I am not the only one that loves the fresh warm muffin, or the soft and gooey, warm cookie?

The baking has rocked. Actually I can quite easily say I am one proud lady right now. Last night I baked my first roast. I have done roast veges before, but not the meat, and I mastered the pork. I managed to have the whole meal cooked at the same time, and within minutes the picture perfect meal was devoured. I even made dessert, chocolate mousse.

The simple things in life are making me smile big. And to be completely honest with you, it does make me feel like a better mother, or maybe more the cool mum. I think it is because I can see my little people smile big too.

This part of my life will stay. I will bake more with my little people and for my little people. I know there will be times when it won't happen, and those will be the days where the baked beans come out of the cupboard, and we all sit at the table with beans on toast. Other days it might be eggs on toast; I am only human, and far from wonder woman!

*the winner of the, 'everything is going to be ok' cards is: Jayne @ Shady Baker, thanks to random.org.
please email me your details, and I will post your cards out to you...  {hayley@littlepinwheel.com.au} 

**Thank you to everyone that entered. I wish I had a box set to give you one each. I loved hearing the good! x

Monday, May 21, 2012

pushing the swing

I was in a dark room once. The room was actually outside, it was in my home, it was in the grocery store, it was when I sat in front of my friends over a coffee. I was in the dark room. Some say it is like a cloud is over your head. For me it was like I could only see black.

I had depression. I lost my mum suddenly, had a new baby girl, who was 7 months old, and I had no idea how to be a mother. I was winging it everyday. {I still wear those wings}. I didn't realise that the storm was brewing over my head, and it was only when I had no ability to walk out of the house that I knew it was time to talk. To accept help. I was grateful for the nurse who saw that she needed to put her hand out, and help me stand up again. 

The hardest moments were actually when I was talking with a counsellor. It brings up everything. I guess those fears you bury, are no longer buried where they are safe. The thing is, they truly are not safe hidden away. We need to learn how to bitch. How to share those things in life. Even the small everyday things, we need to be bitches over. That is what friends are for. To share the good and the bad. 

I found to bury my fears, and to bury my hurt was actually the reason why I had the storm approaching over my head. I didn't bitch enough. I was too proud to say that I could not cope without my mum. I was 29, I should be able to cope without my mum, stand up on my own two feet, and live a life without her. But who says that I "should." Why do I have to suck it up, and be busy, raise my baby girl, and pretend that I was ok.

If I did pretend, and suck it up, then I would have had no one reach out to me, and take my hand. No one to stop me from my thoughts. I was lucky to have a doctor, and a counsellor that cared enough to show me the baby in front of me. The girl, that now too needed her mum.

The thing is, I never would have done it. I never would have killed myself to be with my mum. Why? Because I knew the hurt. The same hurt that my baby girl would have felt. And let's be honest, I am sorry to say this, but it is selfish. Completely and utterly selfish. Although saying that, I know what it is like to be in that dark room. There is no light. It is the people around you that turn that light on. Show you the glimpse of hope. That is what I saw, the hope. Because I opened my mouth.

My post on thursday is close to my heart. It is the reason why I tell a bit of my life, some of you know about, again today. It is all about reaching out, putting your hand out to others, telling yourself what you believe is good about you, and teaching yourself, men and women, to bitch; open your mouth, put your hand out, and allow someone to give you hope.

Turn to a friend, turn to someone you love, and tell them what is awesome about them. What you like. You never know, you just might turn the light on, and give them a glimpse of hope. We all need, and deserve hope in life, if it be that you are suffering from depression or not. 

Being pushed on a swing is a whole lot easier than doing it yourself, and with time you learn how to swing your legs on your own. To ask for help isn't a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. 

Sunday, May 13, 2012

our mother's day adventure weekend

Dear mum..... oh how I actually wish I could write to her. Tell her all about my mother's day in the mountains. Tell her that I took my little people to the same place she took me when I was young. Who am I kidding, if she was here, she would have been with us. She would have been exploring the caves and enjoying a beautiful country air weekend with us. 

This is our weekend away. We went to the blue mountains, and stayed at Jenolan Caves. Our first roadtrip holiday; just the three of us. Creating new memories, and remembering the old.

our first cave tour

can you see the crocodile?

exploring the caves

the river creating new caves for the future

the little guy loving his adventure

the beautiful crystals

the three sisters

come on mum it is freezing!

I hope all the mums out there had a beautiful mother's day today. What gifts did you receive?

I received a pottery chicken egg cup holder from my girl, and a cute decorated mini box from my little guy.


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