Wednesday, May 26, 2010

making friends

I don't have many friends. Sad but very true. I moved to Sydney about 9 years ago now, knowing only one person. A girl I worked with at the snow. She was fun, lots of fun. I was in my twenties and loving life. Not long after I met Simon and all of his friends. Had a baby, (Keely), joined mother's group, in the hope of finding my friends, and now mother's group is over.

I have two beautiful friends from mother's group. Both that have their own friends and have gone back to work. I don't see them as much as I would like. Second children come along, and routines change. You may bump into each other, or meet up again when it is a party, or when we manage to fit in a play date or coffee. Life is busy. One of them is that friend that will be there for you in a heartbeat, and she is the lucky one that was able to meet my mum.

I have made some more friends from playing down the beach with the kids, and I have one that I will call Tuesday. She is my lovely Tuesday friend! We became friends as our little girls went off and played in the park together. We knew with the way that they connected we had no choice but to be friends. And how glad I am that they are connected as Tuesday is a beautiful friend.

Being a single mum, no family and very minimal friendship network leaves me feeling quite lonely. I think being a mum is lonely at times even if you have a good support network around you. So I have made it my goal to build my network and find some new friends for me and for my children. I need more then Tuesday. I know when Keely starts big school next year we will make friends, but I don't want to wait. Taj sleeps right when playgroup is on in my area, so I need to wait for his sleep pattern to change, but I do not want to wait.

I hope I am not sounding like poor me, as I don't mean to! Yes I have had my share of ups and downs, but I wanted to share with you my lack of a support network and how I will make it better. I want this blog to show me. The real me. I am not afraid to say I am lonely and I do not have many friends.

So I will put those yoga pants on, (when I am better of course), sweat it out and maybe just make a new friend. I will ring the number of a lady that is from a mother's group with the same age children as Taj. I will stand up, and stop drinking my teas alone and make an extra circle of friends. When life throws a curve ball and I am unable to hit it out of the field, then maybe someone close to me can hit it for me.

Mum told me friends come and go. If you can count your true friends on one hand and fill that hand you are doing really well. I am lucky as the friends I do have are true friends and have been there for me more then they could ever know.

I wanted to say the lack of support, or friendships I have does not make me sad. I share the images above as these two little people make me so happy, and how cute are the images!


  1. All the best on your friend hunt Hayley! I'm coming to Sydney next week AND WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND! but I realise you are talking, in your life week in and week out friends. They are essential for a good life aren't they! Thanks for reminding us not to take them for granted. xx

  2. Its good to hear people talking honestly and meeting people is difficult. I found after moving towns and not knowing anyone that it took until my eldest was at Kinder to FINALLY find some friends (for my daughter and myself). Before that there were many friendly people at Playgroup etc but no one that I really connected with.
    Put yourself "out there", its worth the effort.
    Beautiful photos yet again!

  3. Hayley you couldn't have written that at a greater time. I was pondering the same thing about my life just this week. Parenting to two little ones has become very isolating for me. I see and hear much less from my friends these days and it's always so difficult to do things with them now anyway. I do get sad about it sometimes but have made some lovely new friends along the way as well. Plus my babies keep me entertained if not exhausted!

  4. Hayley, your post strung a chord. I moved from Sydney to Brisbane 8 years ago and having left all my girlfriends behind had to start afresh. I've been fortunate to make some lovely friends through work over the years but now as a mum of a young baby those relationships change as of course with children come different priorities and the freedom to go out as you please isn't as available as before. I have no family either up here so I definitely know what you mean when you say it can be lonely. Sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by people but not necessarily feel like you have a group of really close friends you could call on. I've decided to move back to Sydney but of course after being away for so many years feel like I am going to be starting all over again down there! Good on you for acknowleding what you need and doing what you can to find it xo

  5. Does Keeley go to Kindy or anything? I'm a bit shy and find it hard to make new friends, so when we started kindy this year I made it my goal to make new friends for both of us as the children there all live in our suburb and would most likely be going to the same school. I joined the fete committee and got to know some mums through that. I organised a playdate and invited 3 other girls and their mums (safety in numbers!)and discovered that I clicked with 2 of them. I found out that 3 girls in the class attended ballet together, so we joined the same class, and now we all have coffee around the corner while the class is on.
    Someone put up a notice suggesting a meetup in the park and now we do that once a month - the mums talk while the kids play. One morning at dropoff I overheard another mum say she really needed a coffee, so I said "me too - do you have time now?", and suddenly it's become a regular thing. None of us are close yet, but it's nice to just have that local social contact and chat with people I've discovered I have lots in common with! All of a sudden I feel like I've become part of a local community and I love it!

  6. hi kathryn! keely goes to pre school, but it is a long day care centre too. So I find all the mums are dropping their little ones off and rushing off to work. I am lucky as my Tuesday friend has her little ones go to the same pre school as Keely. We spoke about it together the other day and both said how there are no mums that we have both clicked with or even had the time to click with. This is an issue that has been brought up with the pre school and they are looking into adding some more breakfasts and times for the parents to connect. I know next year going to "big" school there will be more opportunities for us to meet people. I love how you took advantage of a coffee.... I too will put myself out there! x

  7. Alexandra was at a LDC last year and it was exactly the same - everyone was dropping off and picking up at different times or rushing off to work, and they don't have committees or fetes to get involved with. This year we moved to the community kindergarten so all the mums are there at the same time, and the kindy encourages the parents to socialise.
    What if you and your Tuesday friend put up a notice, or a note in the kids cubbyholes saying that you'll be at a certain park or cafe if anyone else is free to join you. I bet that there would be at least one other mum who is sitting at home think the same as you but is too shy to do anything!
    The next year at school make sure you volunteer and join in with as many things as you can manage!

  8. Your blog just gets better and better for me. You write and express all the things that I feel, but don't how to put into words. Thank you. You are such an amazing woman. Love Hannah xxx

  9. what a beautiful honest post.

    I lived in Hawaii for a year and I seriously had one friend the whole time I was there and she was busy working. I was home all day with my son (lucky) I lived in front of a beach that was mostly deserted (lucky) I saw dolphins and turtles daily (lucky) and I felt miserable.

    If i didn't live on the other side of the globe I would totally want to be your friend

  10. Hi Hayley, thanks for sharing those truthful words. I am also a woman of few friends and understand completely what you say. I think together with making new friends you should love yourself so much, be so proud of yourself , be your own best friend and know that everything right now is the way it is because it is. it is your beautyful life and it shines with love. all my blessings on your quest. dana from Chile.

  11. Hayley, I know exactly how you feel. It's hard meeting people that you genuinely click with. I think I may leave mother's group with no connections at all!

    I hope we can be friends :) I can't wait to finally catch up with you! x

  12. Omg this is all so true! I lived in Manly for 4 years and never really made any local friends. I went to a play group but just didn't click with anyone either. I just wanted to have some fun with the other mums, share some laughs! Not compare our children or feel like I am being judged. Why do some mums do that?? It is never too late to make friends. I feel like I have made more in 11 months living in Germany than I ever did in all those years in Manly. If only I wasnt living on the other side of the world we could have hung out at the beach everyday. I too have a pair of gumboots! x

  13. Btw, am loving little Taj's jeans in these pics. Is there an option on Little Pinwheel that allows you to search for a specific item of clothing eg 'pants'?

  14. hi bianca! I know how awesome are they! I sold the whole outfit to one lady who saw it and loved how cool he looked.

    here is the link! you can search via categories, if you click on threads on the left and then boys etc.

    take care,

    H x

  15. I consider myself very lucky to have the friends that i do have but find myself in a similar situation to you. Incredibly lonely :( This has been an interesting post for me with thoughtful comments in return. Thankyou for putting it out there.

    I had no idea becoming a mum to two wonderful, energetic and outgoing kids would make me feel so alone. They have provided me with many opportunities to meet new people but it just doesn't work out sometimes. I've tried mothers groups, playgroups and other activities but just haven't met the right people yet. I'll keep trying though!

    Good luck

  16. I loved your post, it was so thoughtful and honest and really resonated with me. I found that I needed to expand my circle as well and got involved in a local craft organization and that was a springboard for many new friendships. Since you are creative, could you perhaps look for something similar? If not, maybe start your own group? The public library in my neighborhood lets us meet there for free once a month. Food for thought and good luck with your journey! Wish you were closer!

  17. Haley, what a brave and honest post. As a relatively new mom, I too find it hard to make friends. All my best friends from college live all over the US and I get to talk with them maybe twice a month over the phone. Most have never met my son. I find it hard to make a meaningful connection with anyone these days. Moms of other children at my son's day care don't have the time and barely acknowledge one another and the same is said for the mom's in our mommy and me music class. It has been hard on my self esteem too. I usually make friends very easily but this path has been hard to navigate. And I live in Texas where we have a reputation of being very friendly! :) I agree with you mom - if you can count on one hand the people who would be there for you in a moment's notice, you are truly blessed.

  18. I am in shock as a lot of us feel the same. I did not realise that a lot of us are scared or unsure to take that extra step to make friends.
    I have always found it hard and my youngest is in high school next year. I tend to be the mother that makes the effort to ring and keep in touch but then sadly return phone calls do not arrive and i am left wondering are they really my friends??
    I to have a few close friends and hold them close. I love connecting with people and sometimes I feel inferior and always wonder what people think. I love online networking as it is not judgmental and you feel free to be who you really are.
    Hayley thank you foe posting this raw post and making me realise that we are not alone in feeling this way.
    I think I will add a little post on shoppegirls too. X

  19. I recently just started reading your blog. I have no kids yet, but I must say that I know how you feel about going on a friend hunt.

    I moved from Manila to Seattle 4 years ago and it was a hard change. The only people I knew where my husband and his family. I had no friends. I cried for months.

    But thank God that when I started going to our local church here (The City Church) I was able to join a women's group and started to make friends. My Seattle best friend is actually from that same group I joined 4 years ago.

    It does take time but I know for sure that God knows what you're going through and that he will bless you with friends that you can trust and be yourself with.

    Great photos on your blog btw. :)

  20. Hi

    I stumbled here and was a bit taken by the honesty of your little chat about making friends, (being male we don't dare talk like this)

    I can say that at 43, married, two beautiful kids, a career thats flexible and not too stressful, but unfortunately no friends,

    not one that i could call if the chips were really down, I don' know why, but i have learned to just "be" and hopefully one day i can say to my wife, just off to catch up with my mate.

    love the clothes


  21. hayley! i hear you! its a really hard time when your kids are little and their sleeps don't match with you friend's kids or playgoup or whatever.. hang in there - it does get better.

    have you thought about taking taj to one of the steiner playgroups? they have a lovely rhythm and time for chatting with nice mums. alice went to one, maybe she could fill you in?

    don't forget to factor in time for you to be with other adults - i know it must be so hard as a single mum, but it is really important to nourish your adult self! maybe a yoga class, salsa or something light?

    xx tali (Alice's friend and local gal)



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