ABCD meet-up

Tonight I am going to the ABCD meet-up with some very crafty people. I am not too sure how crafty I am and if I fit into the whole craft element of the night, or if I am more the person that talks way too much in words. Maybe that is the blogger I am coming as.

I am bringing something to add to the goodie bag, and there are 17 of us playing this game. I of course chose to do something that not only reflects me, has some of my words, but is also the most fiddly thing to put together! The finished product is kind of cute, and something that is very me.

A message in a bottle; a little crafty, loves to write, something from the heart, and a keepsake.

If you are in the Rozelle area, come and say hello. We will be there from 7pm.... well I could be late, been known to get lost using an iphone as my roadmap!

The 3 Weeds

197 Evans St

Rozelle

the combi

Sometimes there is cool. Sometimes there is something that you want to say "rock on" to. This is one of these moments.

Rock on Taj.

time to play night memory

There is nothing like feeling like you have been hit by a bus. An amazing amount of tiredness as you try to get through the afternoon chaos. The time I love the most! I am coffee'd up. I have had that much today it is out of control.

Today was the perfect day for Keely to write my name on a piece of paper and stick it on the mirror in the bathroom. She told me that this paper was to remind me of my name, and every time I look into the mirror I will see it, and myself.

Apparently coffee is great to stop, and help with alzheimer's. Clearly today I will have no memory loss with enough coffee under my belt and my name in my face every time I go to the bathroom.

Although I still do not want to play the nighttime routine game. Not sure why as in a little under 2 hours I will be talking to myself.

people watching

Sometimes you take a photo and you capture a moment, a moment that tells a whole story. A story that you can make up for yourself, with your own imagination, with your own ears if you are in the moment, and if you are clever enough you can hear what is happening in barefoot coffee rush hour behind your computer screen.

There is something about people watching. There is something about doing this and having a coffee at the same time.

a lazy sunday. {and every other day of the week}

where is the craft?

Time management is such a hard thing to talk about. I personally find that I am kind of good at the whole time thing. I seem to fit way too much into my life, and don't worry I am no expert, I do it with a whole lot of chaos. I guess that makes it fun and a little interesting.

I was the mother that had the whole saturday craft activity organised. I was into that. I still am in to it, but life got a whole lot busier. There is so much going on in our little life that any chance to chill and pretty much lay like broccoli is snapped up. Keely and I now take the time on saturday to just be. We do more low key activities. Things that do not leave too much chaos. I do still love to do the crafty things. I do have a creative head after all, and so do both my little people.

On the weekend we pulled out the playdoh for a fun activity while it rained, and rained outside. We had a great time rolling balls, making people, and just being amongst the squished playdoh on our saltwater sandals. It was fun to watch Taj play. The bad mother has never pulled out playdoh for him, which in a way makes no sense as Taj has rolled with the paint. One would assume the paint is more chaotic.

There are times when we as parents like the "easy parenting" moments, and for me on saturday this was easy. I am a believer in exploring the world outside. Giving them a creative look on the world. There is so much they can also teach us about the things we might find smaller than life. They find these things to be the big things. Put your walking shoes on, put their walking shoes on, go for a bush walk, and look! It is an awesome world out there, full of activities without the element of chaotic mess. Craft mondays are a little non existent on the blog, but they are still here in a whole different way.

nature.

flying by the seat of my pants

Impulse rocks. Impulse and miss spontaneous me is back. I love her. She rocks. She is that woman that jumps in the car and just goes. Flies by the seat of her pants. Books holidays with no real thought. Just the thought of leaving on a jet plane. Packing the bag with minimal things, so I can come home with more than I left with. Not into paying for excess baggage. Hire a car. No accommodation booked. And roll with it. Stay in a place if I like it, and if I don't move on. Meet people, or choose to not meet people.

I am leaving in five months to travel from LA to San Francisco in a hire car. Just me, and the beach road. Some might call it a mid life crisis. I would call it a well deserved holiday for me. I have no real plans. I have two plans, and one is to see my best friend in San Francisco as he moves there in 3 weeks. The second plan is to fit in like a local. I like to roll that way. Slipping into life in another town or country is such a beautiful way to take it all in. I will be like any other beach bum in the USA, but with the Aussie accent. I might have to practice some air surfing with my other arm. I am not too sure how the left arm will roll with the air, but I will make sure I put a lot of practice in.

.............................................................

Over the weekend an awesome friend put her hand up to roll with me for a week. The best thing is she is like me. We both like to slip into life, and not be the typical tourist. Looks like we will start in San Francisco, as that is a place my friend really wants to see, travel down the coast together to LA. She will return home, and I will rock it on my own for a week. A road trip! And still plenty of time for me to be me. Wonder what I will do? Fly by the seat of my pants I think, and just be me.

Flick me some ideas! I have been to LA before, and I loved it. Absolutely loved it. I slipped into life as a local, and ate at some really quaint restaurants, where I saw Eric Bana, and Robert De Niro. I have been as far north as Malibu. So there is a lot more for me to see. I am a little excited and doing a crazy happy dance right now!

This year was, and is, about creating opportunities. (If you forgot, click here and you will see my view on the year). Grabbing my life by the balls, and being me, and sharing way too many images of myself!

eleven sleeps to go....

....I am counting. She would want me to count. Well, I would have no other choice but to count. She counted. She actually counted at least 14 days before, and not scared to tell all of her friends the time that they had left to go out and buy her a present, or organise a big shindig.

My mum would be turning 63 this year. I wonder what she would have looked like? I don't believe she would have changed much. Each year I buy her a gift. It is what my first counsellor suggested that year of her 60th birthday. I did it. I bought myself a gift for her. Sounds strange, but it actually made me feel somewhat at peace. I do that for every moment that I think my mum should be here, I do something for her. For me to be at peace, and to be in the moment. Allowing myself to feel my emotions, even if they are emotions full of pain. I need to feel them. I need to face the loss, and allow myself to cry. That was one thing my second counsellor tried to teach me. Only now have I allowed myself this feeling. I do hope she still reads my blog, to know that I finally feel what I feared. That I still fear. But I face with a whole lot of heart.

I miss her. I am sure you all know that. She was one awesome woman. A mother, and a friend to me. She was, and still is the world to me. Someone I still walk with in life.

It hurts so much. That much I cannot put it into words. To have no one to turn to that truly knows me is painful. I am, however, very lucky to have one beautiful friend that has filled that hole to the extent she can. Nat, you rock my world, and help me dance to the beat of my heart. You give me so much, and there is no way I can thank you. This birthday I give my mum a gift. A message in a capsule. I also give Nat this same message in a capsule.

Little Pinwheel will turn 2 years old on the same day as my mum. A day to celebrate, and a day to be proud knowing that they share the same birthday. I know my mum would be incredibly proud of what I am building, and what I have already built. I am proud of me too.

I was never one to celebrate my birthday, especially after loosing my mum. This year will be the first year for me that I will celebrate. I am going to have a birthday like my mum did. I am going to count. I am going to have an awesome time with my friends. I am having a year of opportunities. There is no missing out on a birthday. I have missed out on five of them. She would want me to count.

Do you count? Do you hide behind a birthday cake, and pretend that it is not your day? Time to flick those dancing shoes on. Dance to the beat of your heart, and rock your birthday!

bang!

When one has a bang, aka fringe, they sometimes get over them, and want a change. I am that one. I had the bang. Rocked it for a while, and now I have decided to roll with the long fringe. Hoping for it to be eventually that long side swept fringe. It is now at the stage where it is a side swept fringe, or more like side bit fringe. I am not sure if it knows what it is doing. I am at that stage of almost going for the cut and rocking the blunt fringe again. Especially with winter rolling in. But I am going to suck it up, and persist with pinning it back.

Apparently there is a look called the quiff. I didn't even know it was called something. I would call it the 'pin back annoying long fringe that does not want to play the game' look. I tried to rock it today. Not sure if I did. I have done my research, and I am sure I am not making mine "big" enough. Although I think I will keep that to the women, or girls that like to have the big fringe. I had that look in the early 90s, not going backwards, when I am very much walking forwards in life.

I rolled with the small version of the quiff. Rock the quiff!

Any ideas for fringe do's to see me through for the next few months?

{I believe I might be posting way too many images of myself, and I think there might be another one tomorrow. This image above was taken especially for my awesome friend, Nat, who wanted to know how I was feeling today. Pretty sure this image tells her and everyone else, that I am feeling all kinds of awesome}.

control the cruise

Are you a crazy driver, or a sunday driver? I am somewhere in the middle. I don't venture too far from my stomping grounds of the Northern Beaches in Sydney, and my little car, better known as zippy zee, rarely goes over 70kms/hour. I must admit I love going over the bridge, just so I can hit one part of the road, which must be half a kilometre of 5th gear action.

I drive a manual, and love having control over the car. I am not too sure if I would love it so much in peak hour traffic, but I am lucky enough to not play that game. As you know I recently traveled to Canberra, and I was on the open road. The good old highway. I have cruise control, and I had forgotten I had it. I felt like I was not even driving. I kind of like that!

I am one that drives to my mood. I am a pretty relaxed person, and so I drive a little relaxed, but not overly relaxed to make other drivers frustrated with my style. I like to stick to the limit around town. I must say though, and this is rarely, I will put the peddle to the metal if I am in a really crap mood. I am so glad this is rarely, as I become one of those nutty road rage drivers. Ok, maybe not so road rage. I don't give the bird, (the rude finger), I just get cranky at the sunday drivers, when I am clearly not in a sunday driving mood.

How do you drive? Are you driven by your emotions?

Cruise your weekend away, and remember sunday is an acceptable day to play sunday driving! Don't forget your music. There is nothing like hanging that arm out the window, air surfing, singing at the top of your lungs, and bopping away to your favourite tunes. You just might make someone's day with your crazy singing and dancing style..... It is like when you bust someone picking their nose; what is the deal with that?!

the coffee game

Coffee is rocking my world again. I even get to sit, and enjoy it with my little people. They love the whole cafe ambiance, and meeting other little people hanging out with their parents. Of course it is short lived, but it is a nice time. If I flick them a waffle there is more time. The joys of bribery. Something I never thought I would do as a mother.

People watching is a love of mine, and I soak up a lot of inspiration in cafes. Watching people, thinking about their lives, and talking to strangers. It feeds the creative head, or maybe that is coffee feeding it?

For the record, Taj is not about to run out the door in the image above. He runs to the wall, turns around and bolts towards me. It is his game. And it allows me to have sips of my coffee. Maybe it is my game!

Enjoy your coffee today.

is happiness a mind set

A friend asked me the other day if I believed happiness was a state of mind. I believe happiness, as are all emotions, more than a state of mind. An emotion is more than a mind set. It is how your whole body feels, not just your mind. He questioned the need for people around you to make you happy.

I found my own happiness, but I found this with the help of my friends. I chose to be happy. I made that decision. And in order for me to get there I leaned on people around me. I took their good, and I turned that into my good. That is what friends are for. And now I am giving my good. Yes, there are people out there that can get their own happiness without leaning on others. For me this was not the case. My friends are more to me than they will ever know. They are my family.

I now choose to be happy forever. I have made that decision to wear a smile. Even when things are not that great, and I am having one of those days, I will wear a smile. (If all else fails, wear a crazy hat, and laugh at yourself ). Like I said in a previous post, if you smile at someone, you just might get one back. And that simple sharing of your inner emotion might make a strangers day. It also might make them happy. It might help someone that is feeling sad, and down on themselves feel good.

When I went through high school I had a few nicknames, and one that has always stuck with me is 'smiley.' I wore a smile back then to hide the pain. I wore a mask to hide the pain of abuse, and my mask had a smile permanently stuck to it! Now I wear my own face with that smile on it.

You can walk through life on your own. With your own happiness. Or you can make the decision to walk with awesome people that will help you be happy, or build on your happiness. Life can be lonely. It is so much nicer when you are dancing with someone.

Do you believe happiness is a state of mind, or more than a mind set?

a phone call...

And just like that I was offered a mother figure in my life.

Sometimes all good happens to us. This is the first time I have felt "all good." And now I know what it feels like to be blessed. Blessed with beautiful friendships.

Life is a little hard for me right now, in some areas. The good is taking over. I am training my heart to feel a little less heartache, and to build up more strength.

My mum would be proud.

How do I thank my friend, my best friend who is leaving the country in 3 weeks, and leaving me with the support of his mum. How can you tell them that their simple offering has filled a hole. Just the words poured a whole lot more love into my heart.

I am lucky. I am truly lucky. My life is all good. All kinds of awesome.

Thank you Matty. And thank you Matty's mum.

{It was only yesterday that I was at my doctors talking about the need for support. We were talking about the grandparent program, but unfortunately they are not taking on anymore people. My best friend did not even know. And just like that he made me grateful. Grateful for being blessed}.

giving my voice

I did it. I took a deep breath and I emailed a lady that I have looked up to for a number of years, Hetty Johnston. She has a face that instantly makes you feel safe. Someone that is incredibly inspirational to me. Hetty Johnston is the face behind survivors of child abuse, Bravehearts. A woman that I have wanted to reach out to since finding my voice.

All of your comments, and emails have been encouraging to me. They have pushed me to reach out to help others. To do what I have always wanted to do. I thought it would be easy to an extent, but it was not as easy as what I thought. I saved myself. I did that with years of self preservation. Finding out who I truly am. What positive I can take out of my stolen childhood, and what I can pull out of myself to continue to survive. And to now be an awesome mum to my little people.

To help others is HUGE. It made me question myself. Question if I could be strong enough to give my strength to people that do not have it. I have strength. I have enough to go around. I also have a big heart, and I have survived what some do not. That is something I can share. There is enough of my heart to go around.

My life has taken a huge turn. A turn that is positive. I believe that I can help others. I believe I can give my strength to survivors that are frightened of using their own voice. I believe in myself. I believe in rescuing little people that are being abused. To rescue one. Just one little person would be a start. It is time to stop the pain, and start the healing process for those without a voice.

Child abuse is not a secret. It should never be a secret. To share, to talk, and to listen to others will spread awareness. Will save children. Will save adult survivors.

Brave. Yes I am. I am brave. I am braver than I ever thought I could be. {I am still frightened}.

I have healed.

(tomorrow I am not sure if I will blog. I need to process what I have done. I need to give myself some time. Run on the foot that I should not run on. Put my feet in the sand, dive into the ocean, and just be)

one breath at a time

When one has things happen to them in life they process these things in their own way. I used to be the person that would throw it at the back of my mind and deal with it later, or never deal with it. If it was a compliment, or something that made you feel warm and fuzzy I would not allow myself to feel good about it. A part of me felt that I did not deserve to feel good by another person's words.

Only recently, and I am talking in the last few weeks, I am processing things differently. I am taking time for me. I am taking the time to feel every bit of the emotions I should feel. If it be that I am hurt, I am feeling the hurt and processing what that hurt means to me as a person, and how I am going to let that affect me, or not affect me. The not affect is something I am working on. I take it all to heart. Everything. It is the way I roll. And at times it may not be the best way to be, but I also believe it is what gives me a beautiful heart. The heart is out there to be seen.

I took a few moments last week, as I am sure I will this week, to really feel what I went through last week returning back to Canberra. I returned to a place I could not return since loosing my mum. I walked with her for the last time, and I said goodbye to her with all of the beautiful people that were once in her life. I never went back.

I drove to my mum's home. The home that I once lived in. The home she once lived. (just breathe). With my daughter in the backseat I cried the whole way to the home that was now not my home. It was not my mum's home anymore either. It was my sister's matron of honors home. She bought it off my mum when mum moved to Sydney to be closer to me.

I knew it would be hard. I knew I would be hurting. {But I didn't think it would hurt so much}. The front screen door was the same. It made the same noise. The memories were all there. The only thing missing was my mum. Seeing her in the mirror of the bathroom doing her makeup with me sitting on the bath talking to her. Hanging out the washing together. Cooking dinner. Talking. Laughing. Mum with her bare bum up against the heater in winter. Her bedroom door open with her head peeking out of her blanket saying good morning to me. Having coffee. Mum being there. She wasn't there. It was her home. Our home. But she was not there. That hurt. After four and a half years I still feel pain.

I think I will be hurt forever. I need to be kind to myself and allow me to process these feelings. Let myself cry. Let myself feel what this means, and not push the pain away. It is ok to cry. It is ok to miss her. It is ok to want her back.

To process things in ones life is something I believe allows us to appreciate ourselves more. Appreciate what our feelings mean. I believe I am growing more as a person each day I wake up and breathe in my own feelings.

To have feelings is beautiful. To have a beautiful heart is sharing your feelings.

I go to the beach. put my feet in the sand. people watch. just be. stand in the rain. write. share. process. and reach acceptance.

rolling with it.

There will be a little pain in my writing for a a little while. I am not too sure how long, but it is something I need to roll with. My mum's birthday is coming up, and with the lead up to anniversaries I go through a whirlwind of emotions. I am still me. I am still the happy me. But I miss my mum, and need to process my feelings in order to stay happy

I will post again today. I needed to get this out so you did not think I was having a sad time. Well I guess I am sad; now it is a little different. It is reflection. Not depression.

Smiley faces..

rock on

Sometimes you just have to rock it. Suck it up a little. You have to clear out all the clutter, and start all over again. I have cleared it out. Cleared it out of myself, and cleared it out of my space. There is still some more to do with the space, but myself is rocking. And what an awesome feeling to have. What an awesome way to finish my weekend, and to start my new week. Happiness.

Turn up your music. Put your dancing shoes on. Grab someone to dance with. Or dance on your own. Sing a little. Listen to the beat of your own heart. Live life to the fullest and be a little spontaneous. Talk to strangers. Really hear them. Smile throughout your day. You might just get a smile back. You never know who might change your life. Even for that moment you might feel awesome. And that is all sometimes we need.

Be all kinds of awesome with yourself. And rock on.

the dancing fruit

It is friday. And that means I need to lighten this week up a little with a bit of a fun post! Being a friday it is usually the night people snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie with their loved ones. It is when the singles hit the town and do the pash and dash. Well not too sure if that happens, or if that is something I think about doing just for some shits and giggles! Or it is when you feel sorry for yourself and sit alone with a glass of wine and dream of mr right, or mrs right!

I have had the girl talk about boys to a few of my closest friends. There comes a time when you feel ready to share your happy self with the opposite sex. I feel I could dance with someone. Make them laugh. Make them happy. And in turn hopefully have all of that back.

A friend sent me the above quote. It is from The Notebook Doodles. My awesome, and I mean all kinds of awesome girlfriend, told me that she believed this is me, and an awesome guy will fill in the rest. She told me that I will cry when I read it. And that I did. I cried because it is me, and I cried to think that my friend sees this in me. I guess I am a little open and naked to my closest friends. And maybe to the world on here, but of course there is so much more to me than this blog!

I would like awesome. I would like all kinds of awesome. Does that mean I have to start parading myself? Now that sounds funny! But I guess that is what animals do. I would prefer to go about my life and hope for someone to notice me. But how do you notice someone without knowing about them? Knowing who the person truly is?

We shop online. What are your thoughs of placing yourself on a shelf to be picked and scanned? How do you put into words who you are? Words are not enough. How do you say who you are without sounding cheesy. I am not into competition. I would like to be the only piece of fruit on the shelf.

A few friends suggested online dating. What are your thoughts of being another piece of fruit on the shelf?

Personally..... I love to live life by the seat of my pants. I love to pack up my car, and just go. I love to breathe each day. Live with spontaenatity. Dance on my own. And one day have someone ask me to dance. With no words. No cheesy words. No competition. Go with the flow. And let life be what it is.

Time for wine.... and not feeling sorry for me. I have too much living to do. I am happy in my own skin and my own company!

do you want to dance?

sharing me

When you open yourself up to the world with such fears you for some reason expect to be hurt. I received the complete opposite. Maybe it is due to getting "used" to the pain inflicted by others you expect it to always happen to you in some way or another. I am incredibly lucky to have a voice that I am not scared to use. I was once scared. To share now will help others. Yes, it helps me too. I however want to rescue everyone from pain. To think there are other adults, and children that have faced abuse, or facing abuse hurts me in ways that there are no words for.

I remember in my early 20's facing the court case, and the long road ahead of waiting for trial dates that I wanted to be that young woman that went into schools and educated children on abuse. I am not too sure if it is done. Or if it can be done. To give some of my strength to others would leave me lost for words. I believe that if I had that person visit my high school, I may have used my voice a lot earlier, and saved a few more years of being hurt.

There is no saving everyone. I know that I cannot do that. But to know that I might help one person is enough. That is one person to live a life without pain. I remember when I first shared my secret on this blog, and I had at least two women that opened up about their secret. I helped two people. Two people that I know of. That is huge. Two people that I gave a voice to.

I asked a friend the other day if she thought one person could change the world. She told me that yes she believed that one person can make an affect on the world, and in turn others will continue that. I guess like a domino affect. One person puts their hand up, and the rest follow. I don't think I can change the world, but I do hope that I have changed one person's outlook on the world. I know I have changed mine just by sharing my fears.

A stranger crossed my path twice today. The same man. The second time he looked at me and smiled. He said, "did you know that your smile is contagious?!" Maybe I can change the world in my own way. Keep being me, and sharing my smile. It changed a part of him. It might have only been for today, and for that one moment. I made a stranger happy, and in turn made me happier.

thank you for taking the fear of sharing away. thank you for allowing me to take another step forward. thank you for giving me more strength. and allowing me to give that strength to others. x

facing the fear

I faced a fear. A fear I have not been able to face. I have been frightened for too long. I jump at any noise that is different in my home. I loose my breath when I see someone from the corner of my eye that looks like him. I fear the day he will come and get me.

From the day I left Canberra I was scared of returning. I left for a fresh start. I changed my name, and I started a new life. This was all done by a gentle push from my mum. A push to show me I could feel safe. I could live a life with less fear. I was even scared to go back to visit my mum. She would always comment on how she felt like she was living in Fort Knox when I came to see her. I was lucky to have a mum so understanding. One that held me outside the courtroom as he walked out. A mum that protected me from more pain.

On the weekend I stayed in a hotel that I knew would be secure. I didn't sleep much. But I slept enough. Enough to know it was time to become stronger. I drove past the court. I stopped the car out the front. The Supreme Court. I remember walking down the stairs. I remember every word my mum said to me. She told me we would get him one day. She did not know how. But I got him. I got him that moment I built up the strength to drive there and face my fears. I got him the moment I stopped the car, and let my fear slap me in the heart.

Maybe I got him the day I decided to write my statement. The day I built up the courage to tell someone. To not let him hurt me anymore.

Child abuse rips you apart. I am living proof that you can be put back together. You can be a survivor. And you can continue to grow.

Fear. It might be with me forever, but each day I breathe I am facing it.

strength. courage.

{I was frightened to publish this post. I went to push the publish post button a few times, and had to walk away. But I remembered that to fight fear you need to share it. You also need to continue to share child abuse, as it should never be a secret. Time to protect myself, and all of those children, and adult survivors that need a voice. I give them my voice to survive}.