my dream

There may be tears. There will be some sadness. But I hope a whole lot of happiness as I tell you my deepest dream in life. It is beautiful.

I dream for a whole weekend with my mum. Two full days. Only two days to share everything with her. There will be no sleeping. I need all the time with her. There is no need for sleep. Too much to do. Too much to say. And I need the time to just be in the moment. Words would not have to be exchanged. I would love to just sit with her. I would wrap my arms around her and not let her go. Like a little person that has fallen over and grazed their knee, and needs their mother's comfort. I can feel her soft skin. I can also hear her say, "get off me Hayley!"

We would laugh, and laugh a lot. I would walk with mum. Walk her through my day. Show her my business, little pinwheel, and tell her that I am building a successful business that I love.

Coffee. We would have coffee. Swim. Yes we would bop up and down in the ocean. Roll around in the waves and get that much sand in our pants. My mum was fun. She was a lot of fun. I would link arms with her. That was our thing. We would walk arm in arm. We would walk the beach. Sit in the spot where I go everyday to be close to her. Show her where I scattered some of her ashes. And she could then see that because of this beautiful spot where she lays, I am at peace.

Oh we would have an afternoon shandy, or a wine. Actually we could have both. One night I would cook her dinner. I want to show her I can cook and I love it. I love to create awesome food. The rest of the time we would go out to eat. We loved to go out for food. That is what we did. I would take her to my favourite restaurant, eat pizza, real pizza, drink wine, talk about life, and share cake. Talk about my happiness. Tell her that I am awesome; I am all kinds of awesome. I walk alone, but I have a dancing heart. She would see that. She would see my inner happiness shining through.

We would play with my little people, her little grandchildren. That would be the hardest part. That could possibly break my heart. To see her play with Keely and Taj is my dream. I could sit in that one moment, and not have any other moment. I could give up the whole weekend, just for that. To see her with them, and them with her would be enough. Through them she would see all of my happiness, my success and that in turn would make her proud of my achievements, and the woman she hoped I would always be.

Mum is inside of me. She lives in my heart. She is the person that helps my heart dance everyday. She walks with me. She dances with me. Mum is here. She is here in her way.

Two full days. Beautiful. Beyond any words.

"Mum, I am awesome. I am happy, and I am dancing my way through life holding your hand in my heart."

*she's got a way was the song that played after my eulogy at mum's funeral. We had tickets to Billy Joel. We had gold tickets. Mum died 6 weeks before the concert. I still went.