Wednesday, March 16, 2011

facing the fear

I faced a fear. A fear I have not been able to face. I have been frightened for too long. I jump at any noise that is different in my home. I loose my breath when I see someone from the corner of my eye that looks like him. I fear the day he will come and get me.


From the day I left Canberra I was scared of returning. I left for a fresh start. I changed my name, and I started a new life. This was all done by a gentle push from my mum. A push to show me I could feel safe. I could live a life with less fear. I was even scared to go back to visit my mum. She would always comment on how she felt like she was living in Fort Knox when I came to see her. I was lucky to have a mum so understanding. One that held me outside the courtroom as he walked out. A mum that protected me from more pain.

On the weekend I stayed in a hotel that I knew would be secure. I didn't sleep much. But I slept enough. Enough to know it was time to become stronger. I drove past the court. I stopped the car out the front. The Supreme Court. I remember walking down the stairs. I remember every word my mum said to me. She told me we would get him one day. She did not know how. But I got him. I got him that moment I built up the strength to drive there and face my fears. I got him the moment I stopped the car, and let my fear slap me in the heart.

Maybe I got him the day I decided to write my statement. The day I built up the courage to tell someone. To not let him hurt me anymore.

Child abuse rips you apart. I am living proof that you can be put back together. You can be a survivor. And you can continue to grow.

Fear. It might be with me forever, but each day I breathe I am facing it.

strength. courage.

{I was frightened to publish this post. I went to push the publish post button a few times, and had to walk away. But I remembered that to fight fear you need to share it. You also need to continue to share child abuse, as it should never be a secret. Time to protect myself, and all of those children, and adult survivors that need a voice. I give them my voice to survive}.

16 comments:

  1. You are so very brave. Thank you. I hope sharing this has brought you strength and empowered you to continue to journey to recovery.

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  2. Well done for facing your fear, and for writing this post. I can only imagine how hard it was, but it was a very moving entry -I have tears in my eyes. You are a courageous lady. x

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  3. You have so much strength. Well done Hayley. Much love XO

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  4. Ok, so I have spent the half hour since reading this thinking what to say that will not seem contrite nor wishing to simply say what should be said. What I can say is you are an amazing woman, brave for sharing this, and a success for living your life.

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  5. Your strength and courage is inspiring and I have no doubt that you have and will continue to help people you know and those you 'don't by being as brave as you are. I think youre ace!!

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  6. Don't be afraid, Hayley. We are all here to share your strength and admire your courage. x

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  7. Brave & beautiful Hayley...loved your pictures & stories from the weekend :)

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  8. You are an amazing inspiration. I greatly admire you. x

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  9. Well I'm really glad you pressed 'publish'. Brave brave brave. I've supported young clients through sexual assault trials and I know the incredible fortitude it takes. Well done Hayley.

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  10. Oh wow. Well done lady for being so brave, in so so many ways. Kellie xx

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  11. Your so brave and such an inspiration to me when I let so many fears get in my way. Well done!

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  12. you really are such a brave woman hayley! Your kids are so lucky to have such a wonderful mum. Little do they know how amazingly strong you are, how hard you have fought to have a safe and happy life, and to give them such a safe and happy life too... I am sure they think you are amazing, but only we, your readers, friends and family know just how dang amazing you are, and only they know what it's like to have such a wonderful mumma! thank you so much for sharing with us again! You are one brave cat!

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