facing the fear

I faced a fear. A fear I have not been able to face. I have been frightened for too long. I jump at any noise that is different in my home. I loose my breath when I see someone from the corner of my eye that looks like him. I fear the day he will come and get me.

From the day I left Canberra I was scared of returning. I left for a fresh start. I changed my name, and I started a new life. This was all done by a gentle push from my mum. A push to show me I could feel safe. I could live a life with less fear. I was even scared to go back to visit my mum. She would always comment on how she felt like she was living in Fort Knox when I came to see her. I was lucky to have a mum so understanding. One that held me outside the courtroom as he walked out. A mum that protected me from more pain.

On the weekend I stayed in a hotel that I knew would be secure. I didn't sleep much. But I slept enough. Enough to know it was time to become stronger. I drove past the court. I stopped the car out the front. The Supreme Court. I remember walking down the stairs. I remember every word my mum said to me. She told me we would get him one day. She did not know how. But I got him. I got him that moment I built up the strength to drive there and face my fears. I got him the moment I stopped the car, and let my fear slap me in the heart.

Maybe I got him the day I decided to write my statement. The day I built up the courage to tell someone. To not let him hurt me anymore.

Child abuse rips you apart. I am living proof that you can be put back together. You can be a survivor. And you can continue to grow.

Fear. It might be with me forever, but each day I breathe I am facing it.

strength. courage.

{I was frightened to publish this post. I went to push the publish post button a few times, and had to walk away. But I remembered that to fight fear you need to share it. You also need to continue to share child abuse, as it should never be a secret. Time to protect myself, and all of those children, and adult survivors that need a voice. I give them my voice to survive}.