Sunday, March 27, 2011

eleven sleeps to go....

....I am counting. She would want me to count. Well, I would have no other choice but to count. She counted. She actually counted at least 14 days before, and not scared to tell all of her friends the time that they had left to go out and buy her a present, or organise a big shindig.

My mum would be turning 63 this year. I wonder what she would have looked like? I don't believe she would have changed much. Each year I buy her a gift. It is what my first counsellor suggested that year of her 60th birthday. I did it. I bought myself a gift for her. Sounds strange, but it actually made me feel somewhat at peace. I do that for every moment that I think my mum should be here, I do something for her. For me to be at peace, and to be in the moment. Allowing myself to feel my emotions, even if they are emotions full of pain. I need to feel them. I need to face the loss, and allow myself to cry. That was one thing my second counsellor tried to teach me. Only now have I allowed myself this feeling. I do hope she still reads my blog, to know that I finally feel what I feared. That I still fear. But I face with a whole lot of heart.

I miss her. I am sure you all know that. She was one awesome woman. A mother, and a friend to me. She was, and still is the world to me. Someone I still walk with in life.

It hurts so much. That much I cannot put it into words. To have no one to turn to that truly knows me is painful. I am, however, very lucky to have one beautiful friend that has filled that hole to the extent she can. Nat, you rock my world, and help me dance to the beat of my heart. You give me so much, and there is no way I can thank you. This birthday I give my mum a gift. A message in a capsule. I also give Nat this same message in a capsule.

Little Pinwheel will turn 2 years old on the same day as my mum. A day to celebrate, and a day to be proud knowing that they share the same birthday. I know my mum would be incredibly proud of what I am building, and what I have already built. I am proud of me too.

I was never one to celebrate my birthday, especially after loosing my mum. This year will be the first year for me that I will celebrate. I am going to have a birthday like my mum did. I am going to count. I am going to have an awesome time with my friends. I am having a year of opportunities. There is no missing out on a birthday. I have missed out on five of them. She would want me to count.

Do you count? Do you hide behind a birthday cake, and pretend that it is not your day? Time to flick those dancing shoes on. Dance to the beat of your heart, and rock your birthday!


  1. Oh you beautiful thang you! Let me tell you something... THERE IS NO WAY THIS LITTLE BLACK DUCK WOULD FORGET!!! You're in big trouble...
    Love your work xoxox

  2. My fiance's mum passed away a little over a year ago. For her birthday, rather than get upset, we tried to have fun doing things she would have done. So we went out to dinner, had a little cake, sipped on sauv blanc (her favourite) and then went ten-pin bowling (this was something my partner and her used to love doing when he was growing up. Every time we had visited his parents in the last few years we ALWAYS had a night out bowling).

    Another thing we did the one year anniversary of her death was buy a bunch of flowers and attach a long, long letter to it. We wrote it together and told her about what we had been up to in the past year, that we had got engaged, that we missed her, and just things we didn't get a chance to say before she left us. Then at sunrise we walked out to the farthest rock and dropped it in the ocean. We watched it float away until we couldn't see it anymore. This is something we want to do every year, and when we have kids we will attach their paintings and stories to it as well.

    Your mum would love to be celebrated. Dance to her favourite songs, wear a piece of her jewellery, sip on her favourite drink. Make it a night she would love to be a part of ... cause she's going to be there, and she wants to see you happy xox

  3. your mom will be watching down on you during your birthday celebration - do it in style, just the way she'd want you to! x



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