....I am counting. She would want me to count. Well, I would have no other choice but to count. She counted. She actually counted at least 14 days before, and not scared to tell all of her friends the time that they had left to go out and buy her a present, or organise a big shindig.
My mum would be turning 63 this year. I wonder what she would have looked like? I don't believe she would have changed much. Each year I buy her a gift. It is what my first counsellor suggested that year of her 60th birthday. I did it. I bought myself a gift for her. Sounds strange, but it actually made me feel somewhat at peace. I do that for every moment that I think my mum should be here, I do something for her. For me to be at peace, and to be in the moment. Allowing myself to feel my emotions, even if they are emotions full of pain. I need to feel them. I need to face the loss, and allow myself to cry. That was one thing my second counsellor tried to teach me. Only now have I allowed myself this feeling. I do hope she still reads my blog, to know that I finally feel what I feared. That I still fear. But I face with a whole lot of heart.
I miss her. I am sure you all know that. She was one awesome woman. A mother, and a friend to me. She was, and still is the world to me. Someone I still walk with in life.
It hurts so much. That much I cannot put it into words. To have no one to turn to that truly knows me is painful. I am, however, very lucky to have one beautiful friend that has filled that hole to the extent she can. Nat, you rock my world, and help me dance to the beat of my heart. You give me so much, and there is no way I can thank you. This birthday I give my mum a gift. A message in a capsule. I also give Nat this same message in a capsule.
Little Pinwheel will turn 2 years old on the same day as my mum. A day to celebrate, and a day to be proud knowing that they share the same birthday. I know my mum would be incredibly proud of what I am building, and what I have already built. I am proud of me too.
I was never one to celebrate my birthday, especially after loosing my mum. This year will be the first year for me that I will celebrate. I am going to have a birthday like my mum did. I am going to count. I am going to have an awesome time with my friends. I am having a year of opportunities. There is no missing out on a birthday. I have missed out on five of them. She would want me to count.
Do you count? Do you hide behind a birthday cake, and pretend that it is not your day? Time to flick those dancing shoes on. Dance to the beat of your heart, and rock your birthday!