Thursday, April 1, 2010

two birthdays & a birthday wish

As most of you would know by now Little Pinwheel turns 1 next week. The first birthday which is always exciting! Some of you might be new to the blog and not know that Little Pinwheel also launched on my mum's birthday which was something that happened without any planning. The switch was flicked on that day, the very day my mum would have turned 61. (I am one that believes that some things, if not all things happen for a reason).

I am at the process in my grief where my mum is part of me and that I feel at peace knowing that. I still have moments where I am angry, angry at her, angry at myself and angry at her doctor. But I have more moments of feeling happy and acceptance. These feelings have led me to feel confident and strong enough to give my mum the one thing she asked for. The one thing she wanted if anything ever happened to her.

This one thing is to have her ashes scattered in the ocean. The ashes that still sit on my bookshelf in a lovely pewter home. A home that I would like her to be forever. With giving her what she wished for I will feel at peace knowing that she would be happy with me and somewhat proud that this big softie, that she knew I was, would let go of her. But I am not letting go of all of her ashes. I am going to keep some. I just cannot bring myself to empty all of her into the ocean. I know they are only her body, but to me it is so much more. So much that it has taken me three and a half years to build up the strength to do.

My sister is going to also take some of the ashes and put them where it is special to her in Canberra where we grew up. This will give her some peace as we both move on to the next phase of our grief. My sister has actually been amazing. She would have scattered the ashes the very next day we received them, but she respected that her big sister is different to her in dealing with mum's death and was happy to have mum live with me. Mum will still live with me, but she will also be at peace in 3 different places now.... my home, the ocean and a place my sister is yet to choose.

I was going to write a post for my mum next week, I may still do it, but thought that it might be easier for me to put words down this week when I can breathe. I cannot even imagine how I will feel next week. It will be a great day for Little Pinwheel and a hard day for this daughter who lets go of the part of mum that needs to go where she wanted to be.

Happy Birthday mumso! xoxo

(I chose to put happy images of my children in this post to reflect what makes me happy now, what gives me the strength to get through the days without my mum, without my best friend).


  1. Good for you x I haven't come to terms with letting my dads ashes go yet. (He died in September last year from cancer). But I am looking forward to the day that I am at peace enough to be able to do it. He too, wished to be scattered in the ocean, but most definitely I will be keeping a little bit. I have heard you can even get their ashes made in to jewellery.

  2. hi marnie,

    it is a nice place to be when you get there, and if you get there. I know my mum would understand the need to hang on to her for as long as I needed and I am sure your dad would feel the same. ((hugs))

    I got some of mum's ashes made into a ring and a pendant and I love them. I want to keep some to be able to get more if I want more or if my children ever want a part of Nan-Nan made into some pretty jewellery.

  3. you are amazing and strong and i have so much admiration for you hayley xx

  4. Hayley,

    You are such an amazing, courageous person for talking about such things as this on your blog. We all deal with death & loss differently and there is no right or wrong way to do things.

    I totally understand wanting to keep some of your mum's ashes close to you, and your sister wanting her own special place for them too. My father's ashes are scattered off a cliff in England and the remainder here is Hobart. I admire you so much & it sounds like you are doing just fine.

    Happy Birthday to Little Pinwheel & I love the new logo.


  5. I feel so deeply moved by what I just read here.... I understand how hard it must be to let go of your mum. The final decision you made is lovely. I send you positive and sweet thoughts on this special time of your life, from a very remote part of the world (Switzerland!:). And I do hope you feel better. In French we say that only time can ease your pain...



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