Thursday, April 22, 2010

another new beginning

I didn't think I would sit here and write a post that will end a part of my life that I thought was only starting. Tell you all the one thing that was quite new and exciting was now ending or had ended. I had hope, hope that it would all work out. I didn't want a "new" mum, I just wanted someone that one day I would class as my family.

I lost my biological mum last week. I won't go too much into detail as it hurts too much. But I will tell you that it comes down to using my mum in conversation in a negative way. I cannot tell you how much I just want to say it all, as I will probably come across as someone that has given up, but I can say I have not given up. The hurt from what she has said is too much for me and the love I have for my mum is too strong to even contemplate having my biological mum in my life. It is sad that I may never get to know my half sister, but I still have hope that she will still be in my life.

I lost my biological mum. But I gained a lot more self respect. I became more then the selfish person I thought I was being last week. I became an even better mum to my children. I became a lot closer to my mum, my mumso.

This defeated mum is clawing her way back. I am looking forward to feeling more like a mum that has the everyday chaos of having children. I know it is close as I have been doing a lot of smiling. And don't you think it works to smile? I love smiling, even when I don't feel it inside. It brings you joy in an inner healing way.

Also for the record, Taj is wearing his amber beads! He had them from when he first started teething and I have pulled them out again, straight after I was reminded of them, (thanks Terri). Yesterday has been better, and Taj has been more himself. Today I will enjoy the chaos of taking two children to have their immunisation. I know I will have chocolate for Keely and also for mumma.

While putting this post together Keely coughed, as she has been for about 4 weeks now and threw up all of her milk she had just drunk. Welcome back chaos!


  1. I send you my thoughts and hugs to you...and its so touching to read your words...but i believe its good for you to know a little bit more where your heart beaten for...hopefully my words are the right...sometimes so diffucult in a foreign wish you a wonderful week and weekend with your love ones...and fine to know you...cheers and hugs I

  2. thoughts and hugs from here too. thanks for another inspirational post, your positivity in a not good situation is amazing :)

  3. Hayley, send you lots of positive thoughts from the other side of the bridge! You are a brave woman adding a double-immunisation to your plate. Load up on the choccie!!!

  4. Oh no! Hey at least you gave it a go, it didn't work out which is a massive loss for her and now she also misses out on those beautiful grandchildren in her life. Which by the way, I'm loving that last pic of Taj and his little bottom on the beach - too cute! You just start enjoying your own family now and be at peace xxxx

  5. Good for you Hayley, I try and focus on having realistic expectations about things...I struggled with it at first because it felt like lowering my expectations and not aiming high enough, the longer I do it though the more it feels better! It means you can be surprised more often than you're disappointed - by people, situations and everything else that affects how we feel. I am sure your mumso would be so proud of you!


  6. ...stay true to yourself Hayley...well done, sounds like you have done exactly that. A brave choice x

  7. Hugs to you Hayley, I hope the immunisation didn't add too much more chaos to your day. I think you are brave posting about your feelings in such a way, I find you truly inspiraional, my family is going through a trying time at the moment and I take strength from yours.

  8. Hugs Hayley.... this too shall pass and it is part of your journey. Love Lou x

  9. Hayley, that sucks so bad! You are an awesome lady, and obviously your biological mum has no idea what she is missing out on. She should have an amazing appreciation and respect for your mum, she is the one who raised you to be the amazing lady that you are!

    Biiiig changes for you guys of late! Thinking of you heaps!




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