I didn't think I would sit here and write a post that will end a part of my life that I thought was only starting. Tell you all the one thing that was quite new and exciting was now ending or had ended. I had hope, hope that it would all work out. I didn't want a "new" mum, I just wanted someone that one day I would class as my family.
I lost my biological mum last week. I won't go too much into detail as it hurts too much. But I will tell you that it comes down to using my mum in conversation in a negative way. I cannot tell you how much I just want to say it all, as I will probably come across as someone that has given up, but I can say I have not given up. The hurt from what she has said is too much for me and the love I have for my mum is too strong to even contemplate having my biological mum in my life. It is sad that I may never get to know my half sister, but I still have hope that she will still be in my life.
I lost my biological mum. But I gained a lot more self respect. I became more then the selfish person I thought I was being last week. I became an even better mum to my children. I became a lot closer to my mum, my mumso.
This defeated mum is clawing her way back. I am looking forward to feeling more like a mum that has the everyday chaos of having children. I know it is close as I have been doing a lot of smiling. And don't you think it works to smile? I love smiling, even when I don't feel it inside. It brings you joy in an inner healing way.
Also for the record, Taj is wearing his amber beads! He had them from when he first started teething and I have pulled them out again, straight after I was reminded of them, (thanks Terri). Yesterday has been better, and Taj has been more himself. Today I will enjoy the chaos of taking two children to have their immunisation. I know I will have chocolate for Keely and also for mumma.
While putting this post together Keely coughed, as she has been for about 4 weeks now and threw up all of her milk she had just drunk. Welcome back chaos!