Thursday, April 15, 2010

the search: my biological mum

I am sure some of you would have at some stage in your lives questioned what shapes you as a person. Is it your DNA, or has it got to do with who or how you were brought up? There are some of us that are either adopted, were brought up by our grand parents, or other family members or brought up by our biological parents. Either way I am sure you may have looked at yourself and said that you were very much like someone in your family. I know this has been something that I have been thinking about lately. I am not talking about your appearance, but more how you are on the inside, what makes you who you are.

I thought I would share with you where I am at with my biological mum; a person that I thought would be easy to know, a relationship that would be easy to build and work on. I will try and explain it without going into a marathon post so you can get a bit of what is going on for me.

I was the one that got back into contact with my biological mum after 10 years of no contact. I was the one that made more of an effort back when we first got to meet each other. I made the trips to Sydney from Canberra to see her and not once did she ever come and see me. I was in my early 20's when we first met and I was going through a really ugly court case. In a nutshell, I felt back then that she expected more from me, for me to be her daughter with what I felt was a one sided relationship. Trust me when I say all of this, I totally respect how hard this would have been for her, getting in contact with me, and the fear of me rejecting her.

At Christmas time this year she told me that it was all too hard for her, she didn't think she could do this. She could not understand why I wanted her back in my life, when my life seemed so perfect to her. Why did I need her. (Why people think I have the "perfect" life I don't know)! From here I was so upset, for one I could not believe that I received this on Christmas day, the day I miss my mum so much and to have my biological mum tell me it was all too hard for her, was something that broke my heart. From this I told her I would write her a letter explaining why I wanted her in my life, why I have now been in contact with her after all of these years.

The letter has not been written. I have been going through huge changes in my life, to which I have told her in our last conversation. This would make anyone, especially someone that gave birth to you, sit down and realise that right now is not the time to be writing or receiving letters. This week she sent me a text message to ask where the letter was, she needed to know if I had sent it or even written it to get closure on this. In response I re-told her what I have been going through, that my mum's birthday was only last week, (plus placing mum's ashes in the ocean, which she does not know about), and a letter was the last thing on my mind.

It is very hard to try to get to know someone you do not know, even though you really should know them after giving birth to you. If anything from this I have learnt that I have been shaped into the person I am from my mum, not from the DNA that made me. My mum made me, she helped create and guide me into the woman and mum I am today.

So where to from here? I know that for now I need to be all about me. I need to be selfish and look after me. I am dealing with big changes to my life, to my children's lives and for now it is about us. I have not written her the letter, and I do not plan to in the next few weeks. In my text I told my biological mum that I made contact with her, that I made that step, so I do want her to be in my life and get to know her. From here we write letters to each other about our lives, we call each other or text, (which she seems to love to do; I am not a fan. I find them too impersonal). Whatever we both find more comfortable. For me this is a slow relationship to build on, one that should have no expectations. I have learnt that I should not have them, and I learnt the hard way expecting a lot more from her in the last couple of months. I guess I look at what my mum would have done for me and how she would be helping me right now and to receive nothing, and I mean nothing, from my biological mum tells me that expectations will not build this relationship.

I still have hope, hope that we will become friends and be in each others lives. It is like building a puzzle piece by piece.


  1. Many hugs to you lovely Hayley. I hope you do become friends - but there are so many different levels of friendship.
    I hope the pain of the last week or so eases for you xxx

  2. ..closure via a text? Hayley my heart is heavy for you when I read this. When my birth mother got into contact with me only to 'reject' me once again I was shattered and ten years later I still struggle with it. Take the all the time you need on this one...and find comfort in the beautiful family that you have created. Goodluck xxx

  3. I've been following your posts for a while now and each time I go to send you a comment, the words just don't seem worthy enough. I just think you are so incredibly brave and resilient. I'm sure at times you don't feel like that but what you are doing is immeasurable in comparison to the trials and tribulations of my life and I'm sure others. I don't think it's 'selfish' to look after you. You absolutely, unconditionally deserve it. Be kind to yourself and don't second guess. I'm a big one for believing in your intuition. I think you've got bucket loads of it.

  4. Good luck Hayley. Hope everything works out - take it slowly, slowly. Is that you in the photos of a 'beautiful pieces of a puzzle' or your DNA Mum??. Kisses to all - Gay

  5. Hayley, I've only just found your blog today - and wish for you the best outcome for your relationship with your biological mother.

    After 21 years of searching, I made contact with my older brother late last year. I can completely understand your need for looking after yourself and your children - be as 'selfish' as you need to be. In the long run, it is the best thing to do.

    I'll be popping in regularly -

  6. Amazing story. You have such a great heart. Sometimes people seem to reject things/people/ideas because of their lack of self confidenace in themselves. I am sure you mom feels for you as you do for her.

    I hope you have a wonderful day

  7. Hi Hayley, I only came upon your blog recently and I am so glad that I did. I have spent a few hours reading about your super gorgeous children, your fabulous business and your attempts to reconnect with your birth parents.
    I cannot imagine what you are going through, but I can empathise and gree that you need to be selfish for your sake and inturn for your immediate family's sake. Follow what your instict is telling you, it is the best path to take always.
    All the best



Related Posts with Thumbnails