Saturday, October 9, 2010

not doing it alone

Today I am going to tell it like it is. I am going to say more about me as a mother. I share a lot. I have shared a lot over the past 12 months on my struggles, tears and my great times. I wanted to share more about the struggles. Those times as a mum where you walk away from your children and close the door and just cry. It needs to be said. I need to share this so other mothers can see that we all do it. I know we all do it. You can be the best mother around and still wish to not be a mum for a moment, or even a whole day. This is reality. This is the truth. It is hard to be a mum too.

I am not going to be all negative, as it is awesome being a mum, and I love every bit of it. Even the moments of despair. But to get through these moments and to not feel alone I need to put it here. I need to lay naked with my thoughts and my feelings and be open to the fact I find it hard to be a mum sometimes. There are the days I don't want to play the game. I don't want to do the routine of our day. There are times I sit in my room bawling my eyes out. This is ok. It is alright to walk away take a breath and come back and play mum. That moment to compose yourself and let it all out. I guess this is my tantrum. My stamp up and down on the ground tantrum.

The part I do not like is the yelling. I don't like to yell. Actually I hate it. It is not me. But lately I have been yelling. With the other world around me that the children do not see it is all becoming a little stressful. I need to stand up and say this is hard. Say that I am finding it hard, so I can lower the voice and stay calm. My daughter is only 4. I treat her like she is 16 sometimes. Or I expect her to be 16. I need to see her for who she is. I need to spend more time with just her.

It is time for me to say I am a mother. I am a great mother. I am also a mother who has moments of despair. It is time to support other mums. Stop competing. What are we competing for? There is no badge. No trophy. So why not support other mothers. Just because we do things differently does not make one mother better then the other. If a mother is struggling and she has depression. This does not make her a crap mother. This does not make her a psycho. Oh yes I have heard this come out of another mother's mouth. We are all doing the best we can. Support mothers. Make them feel when they are alone crying locked in a bathroom that there are mothers surrounding them with their support. They are not alone. We should not feel alone.

Instead of looking in horror as you see a mother have a moment in public. Look with compassion, and know you too have been there. In your mind you need to wrap your arms around other mums and make them feel like they all have our support. I know this is what I will do. I too hope that others will do it for me.

I love being a mum. Today I am finding it hard. But I am getting through the day with smiles, laughter and coffee. Yes the coffee is my thing today. Plus you cannot go past a pair of red shoes to brighten your day.


  1. I had one heck of a moment yesterday...Rocco was throwing major tantrums...I don't know what it is but I swear when you hear the sound of crying it does something inside you that makes you go crazy inside as a mother...that you need to make it stop. I just wanted to scream, I did internalise it but I was definitely at a breaking point was lucky my husband was there to take over as I think with lack of sleep from the past two nights it really was taking a toll. Possibly Rocco picked that up from me? I love my son dearly and do find it so hard being a mother sometimes...but then there are times he just looks at me and is almost beyond his years and knows I am finding it hard and gives me the biggest hug!

  2. I hear you Hayley! I am with you and I support you and all mother's. Yes I too have my tantrums. I at times feel like the worst Mother in the world, although i know there are worse. I sometimes do and say things I regret and I have always apologised to my girls, so they know that I have had my tanty and exploded and thatI apologise for saying or doing something that I am not proud of. Which has also taught them that they too can have there tanty and apologise too.
    It is mighty hard work being a parent and Mothers, I feel have it the toughest as they are always there to support and nurture with the tanty's in between.

    Thank you for sharing Hayley and making us all feel real. xx

    I am here if you ever need someone to chat.

  3. Thankyou so much for sharing Hayley :-)

    It must be something in the air, I had my I'm never going to win 'Mum of the Year' moment just a couple of days ago too.

    So silly but sometimes it does all just feel like it's too much and we break down, and then whilst breaking down feel like we are the only ones in the world that are breaking down!

    It's so nice to be reassured that you are not the only one.

    On my melt down day a friend sent me an email with children's responses to questions about their mum's. One question was "What are mothers made of?" and my fave response was "God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world.....and then adds one dab of mean." So true, so true!


  4. This post gave me chills (and a few tears!) It is such a perfect description of motherhood. As someone who suffers with PND, this post means a great deal to me. I love it - thank you!

  5. Ohh I so know what you mean! I have closed the door and cried - I have phoned Daycare at the last minute and begged for an extra day that week so I can have some time to 'cool down'. We have a code word in our house - 'mental health day' which means when used, the other parent has to do all possible to provide a break for that parent. Been a mum is awesome, but the reason it is so fantastic and rewarding is because it is so bloody hard! It is challenging and frustrating, rewarding and magical. Would it be so fantastic without these challenging times? I think not.

  6. you are a wonderful mother, your children's smiles are testament to that : ) but heck you're human too and as we all are adjusting to being hayley the mum not just hayley the woman free and all encompassing of the world! i adore being a mum as do you, it has given me a joy undescribable as it has you but every so often i think geez this is hard work, i just want five minutes to myself to think and i don't think there's anything wrong with that. last week i closed the door on my little angel cried and the mattress saw my wrath, and then i opened the door and proceeded to once again go back to being mummy, it's true what they say put simply being a mum is the most joyous experience and the hardest, thanks for sharing, be kind to yourself, you're doing an amazing job and you are a wonderful inspiration to your littlies : )

  7. Love this post. LOVE this post. I always thought that MOther's Group felt like the Baby Olympics. I hated the competitiveness. I wish I found a Mother's Group I clicked with. Oh well. I guess that's why I started blogging.

    Parenting isn't perfect, and mothering is THE HARDEST gig. There's no switching off. No matter what way you do it, it's hard - and we're all awesome.

    Beautiful post. xxx

  8. Hayley, I hear you!
    we definitely all have these moments and it's up to us how we handle it. I do not like the yelling either, avoid it at all cost & prefer to have a bit of a mess around than constantly yelling at them to act like adults. they aren't adults, they are 4.5 & 3 and sometmes as you said, i forget too.
    let's enjoy the times when they are wonderful & full of laughter & survive those moments when they aren't.
    it's all part of the job & if it causes a few tears every now & then it's ok, we're all human & the best mums we can be.
    well said Hayley, happy weekend to you ♥

  9. Hayley, I feel like you write staright to my heart. You say everything that I don't know how to (and often feel like I'm not supposed to) say. Thank you for always writing so honestly. It touches my heart and changes my life.

    I always felt the same as PottyMouthMama in Mother's/Play Groups, but you make me (and many others) feel like I am allowed to be me, which in turn allows me to feel free.

    Thank you. I hope you have a beautiful day.

    Love Hannah xxx

  10. Well said gorgeous mumma. You know how I feel about this one. Let's stand up and admit that sometimes it's bloody hard. And we don't love our kids any less for admitting it.

    Here's to supporting the mums out there. xxx

  11. Hmmmmmmm.....are you sure you don't have a camera in my house???
    Thanks you ox
    Love love love red shoes!

  12. Amen Sista!

    I yell too {i'm working on my inside voice}

    Thanks for keeping it real and look forward to seeing you a little more naked, cos you look gooood girlfriend!

    PS no idea why I feel the need to sound like an African American woman but I just really wanted to emphasise that a) you are NOT alone b) we all feel like this at times and C) look after your children's mama }

  13. So much to say here but will sum it all up with that seen from the (very bad) movie where J Lo is pregnant (via donor sperm) and then meets "the One" who of course is freaking out a little at becoming an instant dad. Hes sitting in the park and starts up a conversation with another Dad asking him what parenting is like.

    The Dad says (in a bewildered exhausted kind of way)...oh its awful AWFUL AWWWFUUUL and then there are these moments where its awesome/beautiful

    His v cute little boy then calls out from the playground with something in his hand he want to show his Dad - "daddy" and the JLo partner guy goes "yeah this must be one of those magical moments" and the boy comes running over hand outstretched to show his Dad a turd he found in the sandpit.

    Oh so true : )

    Hang in there all mummas. We all have meltdowns myself included. It is a sure sign we need more time out/self care/sleep etc. Hard thing is doing it PROactively and preventatively rather than post meltdown (preaching to myself here - took myself off for 4 hours on sat after losing it Fri night over mealtime battles yelling at my husband to GO AWAY in a not very nice voice and then culminating in my little boy biting me - AT THE INLAWS of course....aarrrgh

    Some great books to reccomend - You Sexy Mother by Jodie Hedley Ward. No nothing about having to be a Yummy Mummy or Sex Goddess (although GO FOR IT if thats your thing) more about getting your headspace and attitude right and enjoying motherhood rather than losing yourself in it all. And Shes Gonna Blow (um no again nothing about being a Sex Goddess or that would be a great title by the way for some sex manual hey). Has Christian content so not everyones cup of tea but has some good stuff in there about the REALness and Ugliness of us mummas when we DONT look after ourselves.

    Mumma love to you all. We all do such an awesome job and I echo the comments about supporting each other rather than competing/judging etc

  14. apologies if I double posted that long comment - tired need sleep bck to work part time (man that DOES NOT help with mumma meltdowns either)

  15. hi michelle

    I watched that flick on saturday night!! how funny was the poo in the little boys hand. it was also nice to see the dad side to parenting. i have read jodie's book. awesome! thank you for a beautiful comment that is supportive and resourceful and honest.




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