Saturday, May 14, 2011

to eat

I am not looking after myself. I am putting me last. I know I should be putting myself first. But I have let me go. I have put all of my energy into the stress I have around me in my personal life. I am at a crossroad, and I don't know which way to go. Standing here, I have forgotten that I need to eat to survive.

I had an eating disorder for years. It was my way of dealing with my abuse. It was the one thing I had control over, and it also was a way of punishing myself for what had happened. I had bulimia. And I know the eating disorder will be with me for life. You need food to survive. It is there each day. Every day you put something in your mouth it is there.

Being shown how to eat and feel no guilt was the best thing I could of done. The cleanse I did helped me more than I ever thought it would. But throw stress into my life and I loose my appetite. I loose that desire to eat. I have to force myself to eat. The stress causes me to not eat.*

I know I have to look after myself. I know that. I know I have two little people that need me. I know I have to fuel my body to survive. But I don't have the desire to eat. I am not feeling it.

On thursday I looked after myself. After a week of not being able to run, continued asthma attacks, and not really eating, I went and saw my doctor.

To share this, will hopefully make me see that I need to look after me. It will hopefully create awareness on such a horrible illness. An illness that can still be there when you have acceptance on your body image, an illness that can be a way of control, and an illness that is not only affecting women or men in their teens. You know it doesn't matter how much someone is dancing their life away, it doesn't matter how much they are smiling, it doesn't matter how beautiful things look from the outside, they could still be hurting and struggling on the inside.

There will be an answer. I just need to decide which road I am walking down, and walk. Or even run down it. For now I am being brave by saying that I have an eating disorder. And I am getting help to survive.

*This is no reflection on how I feel about my own body, about body image, and my weight. These are not issues. I accept my body. This is a coping mechanism that I am using. I do not feel any good for dealing with my stress in this way. I am actually quite embarrassed, so much so that not all of my closest friends even know. I acknowledge that I have to get well in order to take that next step, and that is what I am doing. I am eating. Not a lot, but I am eating. I am also still very happy. I am still dancing. But I like everyone in life, has some stress to deal with.

I wrote this post a day ago, but Blogger was having issues, and I could not publish this post. One day and one night later. I have made my decision. I am going to run to the next road. And to get there I have the strength from the support around me. Making the decision to run, has allowed me to take the next step. The next step in my life with my little people.


  1. Hi Hayley - Fellow MAEVE writer Julie Parker from Beautiful You here. I saw this post via Facebook just now and felt compelled to comment and say how amazing I think you are for being so open about your struggles. I wish all the women I saw with an eating disorder were the same, so for that I thank you. As I know you will be aware better than anyone, eating disorders are so hidden and the harsh reality of them kept away from others, but by being so raw and honest I have no doubt you will inspire others to open up to and even seek the help they need.

    I send you a big hug and my best wishes to get over this bump; because I truly believe for a woman as strong and talented as you are - that is all it is - a bump. I want you to know that you are worth of the nourishment you need and I know that as long as you believe that too, you will find the courage to eat.


  2. You can do it. You've done it before, you're doing it now and you will continue to 'do it.' You're a do-er.
    Habits can be created and contrary to what many of us think, they can be broken. Easily. Get back to that clean eating and your insides will want more... and more. More off the good stuff and less of the crap (or lack of) stuff.
    You're so brave. Keep being awesome. x

  3. Hayley, you will be an inspiration to many for talking about this so openly. Its also the first step to recovery so i have every faith that you are well on your way just by writing this down. Feel encouraged by all of us who read your blog xxx big hugs to you and your family x

  4. Thank you for writing beautiful honest post, you’re truly inspirational! I have just made an appointment with my doctor…things that I need to sort out.

  5. I admire your courage and bravery.



  6. thanks for sharing xx
    finding your voice helps others to do the same

  7. Control is a good and bad thing. I can understand why you used this element to control when you felt you couldn't control anything else. Find your middle ground and then you will feel in control. You are beautiful and have beautiful children. You make others feel beautiful so make sure you don't forget to make yourself feel beautiful too. xx

  8. Hello, I have just found your blog and am very interested to read your posts. I have just began blogging about my eating disorder too, I will get back to read your blog in more detail - I am meant to be out the door! If you have time, check it out.... I have began a series of posts 'Squiggly Sundays' - It is lovely to meet you xox



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