I am not looking after myself. I am putting me last. I know I should be putting myself first. But I have let me go. I have put all of my energy into the stress I have around me in my personal life. I am at a crossroad, and I don't know which way to go. Standing here, I have forgotten that I need to eat to survive.
I had an eating disorder for years. It was my way of dealing with my abuse. It was the one thing I had control over, and it also was a way of punishing myself for what had happened. I had bulimia. And I know the eating disorder will be with me for life. You need food to survive. It is there each day. Every day you put something in your mouth it is there.
Being shown how to eat and feel no guilt was the best thing I could of done. The cleanse I did helped me more than I ever thought it would. But throw stress into my life and I loose my appetite. I loose that desire to eat. I have to force myself to eat. The stress causes me to not eat.*
I know I have to look after myself. I know that. I know I have two little people that need me. I know I have to fuel my body to survive. But I don't have the desire to eat. I am not feeling it.
On thursday I looked after myself. After a week of not being able to run, continued asthma attacks, and not really eating, I went and saw my doctor.
To share this, will hopefully make me see that I need to look after me. It will hopefully create awareness on such a horrible illness. An illness that can still be there when you have acceptance on your body image, an illness that can be a way of control, and an illness that is not only affecting women or men in their teens. You know it doesn't matter how much someone is dancing their life away, it doesn't matter how much they are smiling, it doesn't matter how beautiful things look from the outside, they could still be hurting and struggling on the inside.
There will be an answer. I just need to decide which road I am walking down, and walk. Or even run down it. For now I am being brave by saying that I have an eating disorder. And I am getting help to survive.
*This is no reflection on how I feel about my own body, about body image, and my weight. These are not issues. I accept my body. This is a coping mechanism that I am using. I do not feel any good for dealing with my stress in this way. I am actually quite embarrassed, so much so that not all of my closest friends even know. I acknowledge that I have to get well in order to take that next step, and that is what I am doing. I am eating. Not a lot, but I am eating. I am also still very happy. I am still dancing. But I like everyone in life, has some stress to deal with.
I wrote this post a day ago, but Blogger was having issues, and I could not publish this post. One day and one night later. I have made my decision. I am going to run to the next road. And to get there I have the strength from the support around me. Making the decision to run, has allowed me to take the next step. The next step in my life with my little people.