Tuesday, June 14, 2011

the monster that lives in the dark

Do you have a monster that lives in the dark? I do. He puts an element of fear in me, and this fear was only made apparent to me last night, as I lay awake, trying desperately to switch off my head. I knew I did things to help myself feel safe, that to some might be a bit random, and as I laid awake last night, trying so hard to sleep I realised I had a little routine for sleep time. Here I am approaching my mid 30's and I have a bedtime routine to help my fear of the monsters that lurk in the night.

I cannot sleep with the door open. It is ajar when the little people are home with me, and the two nights they are not here, the door is closed. I sleep on the side of the bed that is closest to the door. I cannot sleep naked. I have tried many times to do this, but I end up getting up and putting something on. I am a side sleeper, and I sleep on my side that faces the door. I do try to roll over and face the other way, but get too scared, and roll back over. Before hopping into bed of a night, I check the doors to make sure I did lock them, I tuck my little people in and give them a secret kiss, and check behind their door. I check the bathroom, in the bath, the shower, and behind the door. I do one last check in the laundry and go into my room, where I check the other side of my bed. I have drawers under my new bed, and now I do not have to look under my bed. I no longer check the cupboards. That fear has gone.

He used to come and get me in the dark of the night, in the open lounge room, where I slept beside my sister. No door to protect me. It was an open space.

I truly did not realise I had this routine of which side I slept on, the closing of my door, and the fact I still checked my home for the monsters. I thought from the time I stopped checking the cupboards that I was no longer living in fear.

Maybe it is not fear?



  1. You're a brave woman Hayley. x

  2. Oh Fark me! Your italic sentence had me realing with fear. So sorry that this is part of your life story. I do not check anything, I sleep on the far side of the bed, on my side, with the back to the door. I have 2 doors to my room and sleep with them both open. I regularly realise in the morning that my back door was unlocked the night before. I have a highly developed fear of 'night monsters' but I have never had the monster experiences that you have and realise that I'm so lucky to be so unburdened to be so careless in how I sleep. Namaste Hayley. I hope your blog and the way you live your life allows just one little child to grow into an adult that goes to bed without fear each evening. xx

  3. I'm so sorry for what you have gone through.

    I have fears too, although I have never gone through what you have, I am a little paranoid because of all the horrible things you hear people go through. I work in the medical industry, and my husband calls me paranoid and weird. But our bedtime routine goes as follows:

    My daughter 8 yrs old goes to bed first in her own bedroom, which I wish she slept in ours but I know it would probably not be healthy for her. After I know she's asleep I do another check of her room, I go in both her closets and her door always stays open so I can hear any noise. I check her windows again, which I wish I could seal up, but haven't found a way yet. The fear of someone sneaking into her room through her window makes me cry at times.

    Then my son goes to bed, he sleeps in our bedroom he's 3 and we only have 2 bedroom home.

    Then I double check in the kitchen, make sure windows locked, door that leads to yard locked and light outside is turned on.

    Then I check the living room, make sure that the sliding door that leads to the yard is locked and the curtains are closed and I leave the light on dim.

    Then I check the bathroom, lock the window, check the shower and leave the light on in case my daughter has to go to restroom in the middle of the night.

    Then I check our bedroom, check both closets, and I also sleep on the side closest to the door and fully dressed in light sweat pants and a tshirt with my shoes next to my bed. The window in our bedroom is never opened even in hot days. Then I do another check about an hour after everyone has gone to sleep, before I lay down. Some times my sleep is light and every noise I hear has me going back to every room to double check everything.

    Nothing has ever happened in our family or our immediate family, but I was raised with this fear and watching the news does not help at all.



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