Do you have a monster that lives in the dark? I do. He puts an element of fear in me, and this fear was only made apparent to me last night, as I lay awake, trying desperately to switch off my head. I knew I did things to help myself feel safe, that to some might be a bit random, and as I laid awake last night, trying so hard to sleep I realised I had a little routine for sleep time. Here I am approaching my mid 30's and I have a bedtime routine to help my fear of the monsters that lurk in the night.
I cannot sleep with the door open. It is ajar when the little people are home with me, and the two nights they are not here, the door is closed. I sleep on the side of the bed that is closest to the door. I cannot sleep naked. I have tried many times to do this, but I end up getting up and putting something on. I am a side sleeper, and I sleep on my side that faces the door. I do try to roll over and face the other way, but get too scared, and roll back over. Before hopping into bed of a night, I check the doors to make sure I did lock them, I tuck my little people in and give them a secret kiss, and check behind their door. I check the bathroom, in the bath, the shower, and behind the door. I do one last check in the laundry and go into my room, where I check the other side of my bed. I have drawers under my new bed, and now I do not have to look under my bed. I no longer check the cupboards. That fear has gone.
He used to come and get me in the dark of the night, in the open lounge room, where I slept beside my sister. No door to protect me. It was an open space.
I truly did not realise I had this routine of which side I slept on, the closing of my door, and the fact I still checked my home for the monsters. I thought from the time I stopped checking the cupboards that I was no longer living in fear.
Maybe it is not fear?