the no good chop chop

I am up to no good. I like being up to no good. However this is not a no good that is naughty. This is a no good that is awesome. I just like to call it no good, as that sounds even more exciting. And the more I put the words, 'no good,' in this post, you will begin to believe it truly is no good.......when in fact it is all good.

I also chopped my fringe. I was meant to be growing it, I know, but after my hairstylist told me that I was missing something, I went with his recommendations. He showed me an image, and I almost cried, but instead I laughed. He chopped it. And in the meantime my hairdresser had turned me into a top deck chocolate bar, (dark roots, and the lighter ends).

This new look will rock the no good I am up to. I cannot wait to share my awesome that is good. For now I will roll with my new chop chop fringe, and you can think of me being up to no good!

This time next week I will be in my new home!

blink and you will see the grey

In a blink of an eye my little people have become big little people. They are not babies anymore. I wish I could put a brick on their heads and slow down this process. This is it for me. No more babies. I am done. I know big statement, but I do truly feel I have had my children. I know I am 98% sure of this. It would take an all kinds of awesome person to change this percentage, and the odds are not that great!

Is the feeling of not wanting more children the same as the clucky feeling you get as a woman when you initially have that desire for a baby. Did you feel it, or are you feeling it? Are you done?

There is a part of me that is sad to see that baby stage disappear with my son. But there is a HUGE part of me that is loving every moment of his development, even the random tantrums. And Keely is a whole different story, as she starts to read to me, and she becomes somewhat easy to parent.

I sit here writing this, and my little people have been at each other. They have a cubby house I built with the boxes that are ready for the big move. Taj has entered the house the wrong way. I am trying to do the let them sort it out parenting. Sometimes it works, and other times there are tears, and big mummy needs to step in. I have stepped in, and their home is rebuilt.

My mum used to tell me I gave her grey hairs. I get that now, as I blink and I too grow old with my big little people.

Taj calls me "big mummy."

I still call them my little people.

running on empty

I am a little impatient at times. Maybe it is not impatience, more that I like to fit a lot into my day, and do not have time to line up for petrol pumps.

I do not like to sit in my car, with the engine running and wait for the diesel pump. I am happy to roll around town on empty.

But when it comes to queuing to be served in a shop, or waiting for a coffee, I am happy to be within the moment, and take the time to people watch.

There is just something about waiting for petrol I do not like. I leave, and return when I am in pole position. I guess it is like refueling myself, I seem to put these things last. I need to prioritise, and refuel before the light comes on and the beeping starts.

Do you put your refueling first, and have a pit stop when required, or do you whiz around town on empty?

you can leave your hat on

This is only a thought, so do not get too excited..... I am thinking about buying a pair of heels. Yes, that is right, a pair of heels. Something with a little height, and that instant sexiness. I am feeling it. And it is all thanks to Taj. He showed me that anyone can rock heels.

I am serious though. I am going to try some on. I am a little scared, but I think it is time for me to feel that sexiness that women talk about. I am feeling it on the inside, (when I am not having a moment), and I figure this all sits well with my midlife crisis.

I do not believe I am having a midlife crisis. I only say it, as someone said it to me. I have continued it, and it is fun playing on it. Remember, I bought a skateboard over a sports car!

If you have any tips on buying heels for the first time, I would love to hear them. Or any reason why I should not buy them!

here kitty kitty

A weekend full of packing, and a little bit of fun with Taj, and our neighbour's cat.

Yes, Taj is wearing his knickers on the outside of his pants. Sometimes you need to roll with these things.

the sun shines

This is the blog post that follows a hard day. A day that is already a blur. One that had me in bed before 7, with my little people. That in itself is not me. I am never in bed before 7. I did however try and sit up for a bit, pour a glass of red, and just reflect on the day a little. I got as far as pouring the wine, and somehow spilling the whole lot all over the bench. I stared at the puddle of red in disbelief. No tears. I shrugged my shoulders, wiped it up, and curled up in a ball in my bed.

The tears rolled. I fell asleep within minutes.

Where to from here? There is a lot happening in my life, and around me that I can write about. Life does go on. But those words seem to be disrespectful. I do know however, that my father in-law would want me to breathe, and be a beautiful mum to my little people. I will take one step, and from there I hope my feet will keep walking. And I will remember to stop. Breathe. Remember 'you-daddy,' and the love he showed myself and his grandchildren.

His grandchildren released a sea of colourful balloons into the sky.

The second orchid opened yesterday.

And today Keely is a cat.

one rabbit; one day

I am having one of those days. You know the one, where you are not really rockin' it, but believe you are. That is me. The mother of the year is striking again today. I am going with it this week. Closing my eyes and hoping for the best.

I thought today was dress up as your favourite animal today as school. Keely wanted to be a cat, but we have no cat things. We have bunny ears, that she "borrowed" from a friend on the weekend. (She actually stole them, and has not taken them off. They will be returned). I walked Keely into school, and only saw a stream of uniform colours. No cats. No dogs. No birds.

One rabbit.

Mother of the year was being stared at by other parents, with sympathy faces. I sucked it up. Looked at Keely, and said, "I believe today is not bunny day." All it took was one child to walk up, and tell me, and I was almost in tears. I held Keely's hand, and we walked back to the car. By that stage I was giggling. Keely asked me why I was laughing, as we were now going to be late for school. I explained to her that sometimes you need to laugh.

The thing that rocks about today is the fact I know I can make Keely into a rabbit on Friday.

life through the little eyes

When you loose someone in your life, it makes you look at your own. Well, it makes me look at my own, and the choices I am making. I am not perfect. Actually I believe I am far from whatever perfect is. I truly do just fly by the seat of my pants at times. I follow that heart of mine and hope for the best. Hope that my sleeve will come down a little to protect it.

Today I walked into the travel agent, sat down, and booked my USA trip.

Direction.

You need to keep walking, even if you feel you cannot take a step, you need to try. And if all else fails there are those little people that jump on you in the morning, and show you life.

....

The orchid I bought my mum the first special date after she passed away is going to bloom. Today the first flower has started to open.

Today is my birthday.

Late yesterday I lost my father in law, and my little people lost their grand-daddy.

"You grand-daddy" is at peace. Yesterday I held his hand, and told him all about the trip on the ferry with his grandchildren, hours before he passed away.

I am grateful for beautiful friends, one of which cooked me a birthday dinner, and made me a special slice.

I am grateful for a family I can still call my own, and an x husband who "made" me celebrate part of my birthday.

I love my gorgeous children who continue to show me life in a whole different light.

Taj said, "mummy, no cry. It is going to be alright. Grand-daddy is on the moon." {A moment, along with many my daughter showed me last night, that I will never forget. Keely is beyond amazing}.

I ate cake with my little people. They sung me happy birthday, and they blew out my candle.

the real life

Have you ever sat or even stood and peeled layers of yourself off? You know when you compare yourself to someone else. I guess you can call it 'putting yourself down,' or over analysing the person you are. I do it. I wish I didn't.

I think you should be happy with the person you are. You should better yourself because you choose to, not because you feel someone is hotter than you, or "better" than you believe you are. Yes, I am being a little too honest with the fact I peel myself apart. I wish at times I could rock a short skirt, show off my pins and leave nothing to the imagination. I wish I could fluff up my hair and rock the feminine look. All to attract a guy. And you do not have to say to me, that the right guy will like me for the person I am, as I know that. I am a woman doing what a woman does; peeling layers. So I will have my moment, suck it up, and move on. Until of course I look in the mirror and not see myself looking back!

I wrote the words above this morning. There are more to them, but now I add what truly is important. Life is too short. All of what I wrote means nothing. I don't get life at times, and why we think of small things that do not really shape us as the people we are.

The people we are already, without wishing for things that will not truly change what is inside, are who we should be. That person is the one that we should love; ourselves, without the layers removed.

And the thing is we will always think about the small things in life. {Even while you sit, and talk to someone that can no longer hear you. Watching someone take their last breaths in life}. That is life. That is what we do. The one thing it does to me is it makes me question life. And the thing is there is no answer. You just learn how to breathe without them physically here.

You take a part of them with you, and you continue to breathe yourself. You live life. And never forget them.

{The images above are for my children's grandfather. We went on the ferry for him. We had a beautiful day in the sunshine for 'you grand-daddy.' A week ago he was still talking about taking his grandchildren on the ferry. My little people love him to the moon and back, as I do too}.

SOLD!

And my new life starts now.

Enjoy your weekend. We are jumping on the ferry tomorrow to the city. No real plans, just hanging out, giggling, and holding those little people close. I cannot wait for our adventure, and to see Taj's face as we sail off to the other side. (I know not really sailing, but sounds better, and I could of thrown in, 'sail off into the sunset'.... but that might be a little cheesy)!

Rock on to new beginnings, and a very happy me.

a new home for us

I thought the whole looking for a new home would be a chore. One of those jobs you don't want to do, but know you have to do. I truly thought I would have a hard time finding something that felt like home.

The little people and I have found our new home, and to receive the phone call yesterday was awesome. Another weight lifted off my shoulders. We have a view of my favourite beach on the northern beaches, and our new home is perfect for us. There is a space for me to put a little pinwheel work area. And I just ordered the table and cabinet below from Mark Tuckey.

Now we have the job of packing. There will be a box that is labeled, "shit box." In here I will place the things that I do not want to deal with at the other end. I personally do not enjoy packing, but I plan on making this fun for us. I have never used a removalist and I have always been the one to lift the fridge down and upstairs. This will be the first time I get to watch someone else do it, and not supply beer and pizza at the other end.

I am very fortunate to have great friends, and one of those friends, has given me all of her boxes for moving. With thanks I took a treat for her, (yes that is the awesome chocolate surprise in the top photograph), which Kellie from Mini Must Have, shared with me over a cup of tea. Thank you Kellie, you rock!

Today has been a really great day. It is nice to have a great day, and know that this is the beginning of my new book of my life.

Thank you for your emails and comments about my father in-law. He is still fighting. I have nothing but love for this man who holds onto his incredible amount of dignity. He showed me what a father is, and I will never forget that.

{insert f word here}

Grief is something I have faced head on with the loss of my mum. I have been on the spiral of these mixed emotions, and I will continue to hold on and roll with it. I am on a new spiral of grief, as I start to grieve for my father in-law who is dying from cancer. I have discovered you need to allow yourself to feel what you feel, and not be too hard on yourself. There are moments where you cannot breathe, and there are moments where you wish you could shake the person and tell them to come back. Right now I am angry.

Cancer sucks. Cancer more than sucks.

Fuck you cancer. You are taking my children's grandfather away.

I do apologise for the language. I do believe there is a time and a place for the F word. This may not be the place, but it sure is the time. It may not make me feel better. But it is allowing me to feel the anger, and also the sadness as I watch a man we all love slip away from us.

I do hope one day they find a cure for the cancer that is incurable. It is sad that it is too late for 'you grand-daddy.' The memories from our time together, and the memories that are being created now will be forever in my heart.

'You grand-daddy' reaching out and holding Taj's hand today will be a moment I will never forget.

the monster that lives in the dark

Do you have a monster that lives in the dark? I do. He puts an element of fear in me, and this fear was only made apparent to me last night, as I lay awake, trying desperately to switch off my head. I knew I did things to help myself feel safe, that to some might be a bit random, and as I laid awake last night, trying so hard to sleep I realised I had a little routine for sleep time. Here I am approaching my mid 30's and I have a bedtime routine to help my fear of the monsters that lurk in the night.

I cannot sleep with the door open. It is ajar when the little people are home with me, and the two nights they are not here, the door is closed. I sleep on the side of the bed that is closest to the door. I cannot sleep naked. I have tried many times to do this, but I end up getting up and putting something on. I am a side sleeper, and I sleep on my side that faces the door. I do try to roll over and face the other way, but get too scared, and roll back over. Before hopping into bed of a night, I check the doors to make sure I did lock them, I tuck my little people in and give them a secret kiss, and check behind their door. I check the bathroom, in the bath, the shower, and behind the door. I do one last check in the laundry and go into my room, where I check the other side of my bed. I have drawers under my new bed, and now I do not have to look under my bed. I no longer check the cupboards. That fear has gone.

He used to come and get me in the dark of the night, in the open lounge room, where I slept beside my sister. No door to protect me. It was an open space.

I truly did not realise I had this routine of which side I slept on, the closing of my door, and the fact I still checked my home for the monsters. I thought from the time I stopped checking the cupboards that I was no longer living in fear.

Maybe it is not fear?

Protection.

a wise woman once said

I was raised with the belief I could do anything my heart desired. It did not matter that was a female, or that I did not go to university. I had my reasons for that, and unfortunately that was out of my control. The time to study and working out what I wanted to do with my life, "the what I want to be when I grow up" stage was consumed with the fighting the skeleton in my closet. I had to put that part of my life aside in order for me to become a survivor and no longer a victim.

I was told I could be a gynecologist if I wanted to be, or anything my heart wanted to be. I was also told that it didn't matter what I became, or would become, as long as I was happy. I was also told I could accomplish any "man" jobs, even though I did not have the physical strength. If I believed enough I could be strong.

I remember a great time in my life that mum and I shared, in which she showed me this very theory she believed in, was the truth. I was in my early 20's and that very day I arrived home from work, mum told me she had a flat tyre. Her car was in the garage, with a very squished tyre. Out came the jack, and the other tools to change a tyre. We jacked up the car, (which we were very proud of), took off the flat tyre, and replaced it with the spare. We tightened the bolts together, and off we went to the closest service station. Driving along we could hear a rattle and the car was moving in a random way. Mum pulled the car over, and we jacked up the car, tightened the tyre as much as we could together, hopped back in the car and drove less than a kilometer down the road, to do it all again. We did this several times....... And we made it, with the tyre still on the car!

We believed, with a lot of laughter, that we could do it. Mum and I changed our first tyre together.

I have done a lot, and will continue to, with that belief I too can have balls to accomplish anything my heart desires. It is not about physical strength, or how many lectures you sit through in your university degree, it is about the true belief you have in yourself, and your own abilities.

As mum would say to me, "Hayley, grow some balls and do it!"

cruised the holiday monday

Today was the queen's birthday holiday in australia, and we rocked it. Even though we are all coughing we still got amongst it. There is no stopping little people, even when they are sick. You just have to suck it up yourself and enjoy your day. And ironically it makes me feel a lot better to get out. I am not one to stay in between four walls, I like fresh air, and people watching too much.

We spent our morning painting, looking for footprints, which a monster had left. I was apparently the monster; the tickle monster! (I got them, and got them good. You know those full belly laughs, where they snort? Well I had them there). After our coffee time, we walked around the wharf to the boats. We are going to hop on the ferry next saturday and go into the city. Taj has been begging me. He wanted his grand-dad to take him, but unfortunately that is not going to happen. {I held my father in-law's hand today and told him I would take Taj across the city for him. He squeezed my hand, and smiled}.

The little people went off with their father in the afternoon, and I had time to rip it up on my cruiser skateboard along the Manly beachfront. {If this is a midlife crisis, I am loving every minute of it}. The wind was in my hair, the rain at times in my face, and I had Ray Lamontage singing to me. I had my long black at Barefoot, and cruised back the way I came. I spent some time with my father in-law, and showed him the images of his grandchildren from this morning. The smile was priceless; a smile I will never forget. After the hospital I had some time out, and I sat at the beach, with the wind in my hair and watched the whales just off the coast. I bought myself $14 worth of bananas; gold. {Well they better be gold}.

A great holiday monday.

happy baking

We hope you are enjoying your long weekend!

We are baking, dancing, and cuddling up as we are all sick. There is nothing like baking some muffins, and having the little people decorate them together. Keely had pink icing, and Taj had green. I had no sprinkles left, so we had to roll with the chocolate drops.

Smile!

Thank you Cathy from M.E for your continued inspiration in more ways than just awesome cakes.

native shoes to hit little pinwheel

I heart my business. I love it that much. There is a lot happening over the next 6 months, and I am going to personally enjoy every moment of growth. This summer will be the first summer I will stock women's clothing, and this is only the beginning.

Look out for the new kicks coming this winter from Native Shoes. The boots will hit the shop in a few weeks for the little people and for the women. The cool styles modeled by the little pinwheel family will be available next summer, or if you beg me, I am sure I can place a special order.

Rock on to loving my job.

Enjoy your long weekend! x

disco baby

Today my little girl danced at her first disco.

Apparently no boys danced with her. She just giggled and did that whole, don't mum look, when I asked her.

Time to practice what I will say to the boys that knock on our door. {I believe the little rockstar brother that stands next to his sister, will protect her}.

it is bathtime

I love having a bath. I bet right now you are picturing the bath overflowing with bubbles, the candles, and the relaxing music, no little people, and a glass of bubbles. Ah, the serenity.

Now picture this.....

"Mumma, I don't need to do a wee." Keely says sitting on the toilet.

I am already in the bath, as Keely begged me to have a bath with her.

Keely hops in the bath.

"Mumma...." Keely says giggling. "I am doing the wee now!"

Ah the serenity!

{For the record, this happens every single time I have a bath with Keely}.