Tuesday, August 3, 2010

missing her

It is getting a little sad for me. It is August. The month that is the anniversary of my mum passing away. I went shopping on my own sunday afternoon. I needed milk and as I went to pick it up, I checked the used by date, as I always do. It was used by on the date. I did not buy it. I could not buy it. It is painful enough to think it is coming. A day that is like every other day to you. But to me it is a day I don't want to have.

I planned to go away and to be in Melbourne. I wanted a different routine for the day. I didn't want to do the same. Have people ask how I am. Lie to their faces. Fight the tears. I wanted to create new memories, and still remember mum. But I am a believer in things happen for a reason. So I will buy flowers for mum, two bunches. Her favourite. Put one bunch in the ocean. Take the other home. Cry. Get angry at her for leaving. Be thankful of the beautiful life she gave me. Remember the great times we had. Hold her hand and not let it go the whole day.

I suck up the emotions a lot and it is moments like the milk where I realise that it is still very painful. I think about her everyday. I always will. I wish people would talk to me about her. I want to talk about her. She may be gone, but she still lives inside me.

It is ok to cry.

{the singapore orchid photographed above I bought for my mum on the first mothers day after she passed away. This is the first year it has flowered since I bought it. The other orchid I own I bought on her first birthday after she passed away. It has buds, and this is the second year it will flower}.


  1. Hayley, what a beautiful tribute to your mother. She is still with you. I am sorry for the sadness you feel. Always know that I wish the best for you. Hugs xx, Kristi

  2. Beautiful post, Hayley. I've had the same milk moment. My mother died 16 years ago and the person who talks about her most with me now is my three year old daughter. It's nice.

  3. ohh Hayley, you have me in tears! I was holding up ok, thinking I was strong enough to go through this month aswell but now after reading your beautiful post I am in a teary mess.
    such a sweet & sad post, one that I will need to do in a few weeks as I too have an anniversary at the end of the month, a first year without my dad.
    hugs to you lovely, I KNOW how you feel and will be thinking of you.

  4. What precious, delicious memories it sounds like you have of your mum - take that special day to feel them all and I say why not start a conversation with someone about you mum every day for the next week - just one a day. Perhaps it could start like . . . . the thing I most love about my mum is . . . or the thing that makes me most angry about my mum is . . . . Try a new start every day and remember her, feel her, share her. I am so sorry for your loss, such a deep loss that deserves tears, many, many and then your darling kids will also see how is it OK to cry, a lesson so important in life. Sending many healing wishes you way. x

  5. Grief is such a cruel mistress. Just when you think you're emerging from at least a part of the grey - snap - and you're back in the thick of it. Riding it out, scrabbling to resurface, to take a breath, to be able to enjoy those memories.

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mum. She sounds like an awesome woman. xxx

  6. To be able to say 'Hi Mum' is a treasure and a privilege and should not be overlooked. Thanks for your post as a reminder and I hope your day is ok. Sad is ok.

    My Uncle Geoff's anniversary shares a spot on the birthday calendar, and every year i try to find some daphne for him. He would blush.

    Take care o you

  7. hello hayley...i´m with you and you are so right feel what you want to feel...i believe it will be the right way...so sad for you, but also so glad that you share all your feelings here...you are amazing and special...and your mum could be so proud to you...;)...she has must to be a very special person like her daughter...and she will be always in your thoughts and memories...send you big hugs and more...and still believe in you...cheers and hugs...i...

  8. I would love to hear more about her. Let us all relish in her legacy, share. Can we hear the funny moments the ones that make you laugh until your sides hurt?! Can we hear her wise words, that make you think?! Remember we are all "here" for you to get through the week. But not to forget but to cherish her memory.


    "off to the post office today :-)"

  9. Thinking of you.....goose bumps cover me all over....what a beautiful flower to come out of all this grief XO



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