walking with her

In about 6 weeks I am giving my sister away. I am going to hold her hand and walk with her just like my mum would have. I am putting my feet in my mum's shoes for a day. (I of course will be wearing saltwater sandals, my gold ones)!

Both my sister and I will be walking with our mum. A moment that will be hard, and one that will be happy.

A proud moment.

I am scared to go back to Canberra. I am scared to go back to a town I have not returned to. Mum lived in Sydney close to me for the last few months of her life, and lived in Canberra with us for our whole childhood. The last time I was in Canberra was the day I carried my mum in front of all the people she had touched in her life. We will be getting ready for the wedding in the home my mum used to own. One of my sister's friends bought it from her when she moved to Sydney. It is apparently very different now. Not the same as it is in my heart. Sometimes you think you have faced all of your fears in life, and then you realise there are still some there to face.

Life is full of hurdles and moments where you have to pull that strength out.

brave body image

Today I wore a bikini. I have not worn a bikini for over 2 years. I have a somewhat nice body, but I have body image issues. My body changed after two children. I am sure I am not the only woman that has had their body change after having little people. I am also sure that I am not the only woman that has had some issue with their body throughout their lives. I am actually the happiest I have ever been with my body. I have come from a life battling an eating disorder after facing a huge fear in my life, and beating that fear at the same time as beating my eating disorder.

I have stretch marks. They appeared when I was 37 weeks pregnant with Taj. Today I am learning to love them. Well ok, not love them, but accept them. Accept that this is my body and they will not go away, unless of course I take drastic measures and have surgery. I am not prepared to do this. And the reason being is that I believe we should be happy with our bodies. We should not have to walk around and feel as if every person that walks past and looks us up and down is looking at us for a negative reason. I personally would like to believe that they look because they can see the happiness that is inside you shining through your body. (And if they are looking at you because of negative reasons, then they are not nice people, and not worth the negative thought towards yourself).

I had a lovely comment this week from a local lady. She told me I was glowing. She could see how happy I am, and to witness the change in me over the past 12 months has been amazing. This made my day, and pretty much made my life! Honestly what compliment could trump that one. I think that is something we would all like to hear. To have someone notice that you are truly happy on the inside is such a beautiful moment. Well it was for me. This along with a few other comments in the past week or so has made me realise that it is time for me to face the last body image issue I have. And beat it.

Body image is not just in teenagers, it is within all ages, and people of all shapes and sizes. It is time for me to embrace my stretch marks and accept that they are the lines that made up my pregnant belly. Time to remove the hands.

labeling

Are you into labels. Putting a name to something with a sticker or just a word. I kind of am, but then I am also one that likes to have no label, and just have it be what it is. I find sometimes in life we as people are labeled to be what we are not, or more than what we are. So if you give something a label will it become more than what it is, or will it be as simple as the rice jar with the rice label? And does the rice need a label, as it is clearly rice?

I am sure I am not making sense!

I was thinking about putting labels on my blog posts. Actually it is something I thought about a few months back. Now it is a bigger job than a few months ago, but I am thinking those who are new readers would have no idea what I am going on about half of the time. I am sure sometimes the old readers would have no idea either! I can let my head go sometimes when it comes to the written word.

So would you be into seeing labels so you can read what you would like to read, and go back through posts with more ease?

dear keely,

Today is your last day at preschool. Next week you will be putting on your big girl uniform with your new shiny black shoes. Today you will walk out of the room you have known, and away from the teachers that have been there for you for the past year. You have learnt and grown into such a beautiful and smart big girl.

I know you will make friends on your first day. You will make them as soon as you show that beautiful and caring smile that you wear. You will play with them, eat lunch with them, (out of your new princess lunch box), and you will also laugh with them.

Keely, you are growing up, sometimes I think too fast, but you are growing with so much care for other people, and with a your heart on your sleeve......Keep that heart there, as I believe this is where they belong.

Enjoy your first day, and know the tears that will be rolling down your mum's cheeks are happy tears, not sad tears. They are tears that show you how proud I am of you, and those shiny black shoes!

love mum x

air surfing

I love random. Random things that you do in life. I have one thing that is an action and also a thought. While driving in the car, I like the window down, air conditioning on at the same time, (I know waste of the cold air), music up, and my arm out the window, with my hand surfing the breeze. There is something that is relaxing about your hand surfing the waves of air. Plus it clearly does not matter if you can stand up, and there is no one to drop in on you!

My thought that goes with this random thing of mine is that I wish the people in the cars going the other way would put their hands up and give me a good old fashioned high five.

What is your thing? Do you have a thing....

Or will you give me a high five!

aussie aussie aussie

Today was Australia Day. The weather completely turned it on in Sydney and I was very lucky to have the morning to myself. It was rush hour for my walk in the morning on the beach, (yes walk, no running for a little while), the cafe was quiet as the beach front was a bustle with breakfast cooking, and I was lucky to find a quiet patch of sand up the beach where I could just be. It has been a long time since I just laid on the beach and completely relaxed and let the busy beach around me float into the distance. It was also nice to pop the head up and watch the Australian culture truly alive.

People were playing beach cricket, there were Australian flags everywhere, on faces, on tents, on umbrellas, and draped around prams. The water was full of laughter, swimmers, and surfers. It was a beautiful moment to take in.

And to think tomorrow morning it will be quiet. Just the normal locals doing their morning routines.

Happy Australia Day!

accidental parenting

We all have our habits, our way that we decide as parents to bring up our children. This usually comes in the form of a some settling technique or tool. My tool was the breastfeeding. Both my little people did not take to the dummy. There was a part of me that was thankful for this and then another that was wanting them to take it. I too, like one of the readers commented the other day, introduced the dummy later to try and get Taj off my boob. He never took it. He saw it as a toy. As something to play with while he still begged for what he knew was his comfort.

The one thing I have told myself is that they grow out of these stages. The cuddles are amazing. There is no describing what it feels like to have your little one nestled right up next to you while you both sleep. I have no doubt there will be a day where they do not even want to cuddle me, let alone be seen cuddling me. I am sure I will be the parent that will do everything to embarrass them with cuddles in front of their friends! Just like licking your finger and taking the food that they have left behind on their faces. I swore I would never do that to my children. But here I am doing it, and I love it! (I forgive you mum).

So how did I stop the feeding with Taj? I believe luck, but I also watched him in everyday life. I observed him and watched how he was a sponge. Listened to the things he would point out around him, or the questions he would ask me. They are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. He understands everything I say. You can see it ticking over in his head when you have a conversation with him. To stop the feeding I explained to him that the boobie had gone. The milk is no longer there anymore. Really when you think of it, it was me that he wanted in the end, not the boobs. He wanted me to be there with him. The boobs are the same as giving your little one the dummy, or the bottle, or a blanket. These are all tools that help them feel comforted. We can be the new comfort for them.

I was however lucky to have him here the first night I said no and then the second night he was at his dad's house. They say it takes three days for a habit to go. I kept saying no, but not the actual word no. I explained to him that the boobs had gone. There were tears. I replaced the milk with water, which he loves.

There is no doubt it is hard to take away something that makes our children feel safe and comforted. But when it comes down to it, it is us as parents that they really need the comfort from. I am no expert. The whole process might have just been luck. But like most mothers and parents I am just doing what I think is the right thing for my children and hoping for the best outcome. I stuff up. I cry and wonder why I have done some things. But I keep going and hope that one day they will understand the rules and respect me the same way I had respect for my mum. In saying this though, today I spoke to two brick walls. Not for a moment, but for the whole day I walked around with two brick walls.

Now I just have to work out how to get Taj to sleep without me laying next to him to fall asleep! Tips anyone?

breathing fear

I had my breath taken away today. Not by choice, and not in that romantic way. I was fighting to breathe. I had two asthma attacks, within 10 minutes of each other. They were not mild. They were severe. Both came as a shock as I was not running, I was driving the car after doing groceries. I had Keely and Taj in the car with me. Fear is what I am most afraid of. I faced it head on today, and on my own.

I am over the fear of spiders, well just a little. I have no choice but to be the hero that removes them from our home. It is not like I want them to stay the night. I am scared of snakes. I actually don't think I could stay still if I saw one. I think I would run, and I mean run, and most probably run way too far. I must admit I do not have a fear of sharks. I once had that fear, but it has since gone with the odds of a shark coming and playing with me. I do try and swim around other people, and that of course gives me better odds. I however try not to have the thought of a shark whilst I swim in their home. Easier that way.

I am afraid of the dark. I am learning to beat that fear, but I think that might be a fear that stays with me. I used to be afraid of the boogie man. I am serious, I was. The scary movies have stopped in my home, there is no room for them on a flick friday. I wouldn't sleep. Although if I do start to watch a scary film I have to finish watching it to know that the bad person is dead, or caught. I know I am such a sook!

Today felt like I was given a snake to put around my neck, and a spider in my hand. I faced my fear even when I did not want to. I cannot do this one alone, I need help to face this. There are times in your life where you can do things on your own, and there are times when you do need to put your hand up and ask for someone to be there for you, and with you.

How do you face your fears......do you jump on a chair and scream for someone else to remove the spider. How do you face the spider if you are home alone. Do you face it head on and grab that shoe?

something old

Do you like things a little old fashioned? I know I sure do. Not everything, but some things I do. I love old bits thrown in with new bits around the home. There is something about the old that brings character to your space. I am in love with my Italian picnic stools, which I bought while driving through Milton on the south coast. I could have bought a lot more from that shop! They had 3, an uneven number, but there was something about having the odd number, it gives them more character. For now they are beside my bed, holding up my new books.

I recently bought a shirt that I could see on a sweet old lady, and even though it is new it feels as if I am wearing a shirt that has a history, a story to tell. I was thinking last week about how I look up to elderly people, how I would quite happily sit and have a cup of tea with them. Even as a stranger I would love to sit and just listen. I would be happy to say nothing, soak up their lives and hear their history. One can only hope as we get older that we too receive the same respect. I hope that I will have someone that wants to hear about my life, and for me to teach them or inspire them in some way.

This is something my mum taught me. I was brought up to respect her friends, and I was taught how to talk to them. They were a big part of her life. Her friends were her family, and now I feel I am slightly walking that same path as my mum did. She was a single mum, no parents, and her friends were her life, as were we. I picked up my pen over the weekend, opened the book I bought to write to my mum, and I wrote to her. This is something I have not done for over a year now. It was the right time to tell her about my life. I am in an awesome place, and what better way to share this with her through written words. Another old fashioned art that a lot of us have forgotten, or have never even learnt. To pick up a piece of paper and write to someone is a beautiful way of communication. I know for me I eat my words, and to have them written down I can move them around to come across with my voice.

Do you write letters, or do you have something old that you love to keep with you?

Or do you live for now, in the moment, with everything new, and a history that is about the present?

I personally take bits of the old, mix it with the new, and live for now. I have a history, one that was full of a lot of pain, but this history makes me who I am today. I keep that heart on my sleeve, where I believe mine belongs, and I walk in my shoes, (saltwater sandals), for today.

talking breasts

My boobs are mine again. I have finished feeding. Yes I am the marathon woman who has breastfed my son until he was 2 and 3 months. This was my choice to feed him until he was 2, as it was for my daughter. When I finished feeding Keely my milk had stopped producing. This time the milk is still here, and I have two hard breasts. Bigger than normal, but I have no doubt they will deflate and I will be left with two prunes!

I personally felt it was time to have me back. Not that I had gone anywhere, but I wanted to have my body my own. I was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable feeding Taj. Even though it was at home for his sleep, it was still uncomfortable, and uncomfortable in the sense it felt weird him being on there, not because of outside pressures. I didn't feel any pressures feeding both my little people for 2 years. I am proud to have fed both of my children for as long as I did, and I should feel comfortable to say that I am proud. Feeding is a personal decision, and as women we should have the right to make this decision to feed, or not to feed and opt for the bottle, and for how long we decide to feed for.

So today I say I am proud of me. I am proud of my two little breasts for feeding and nourishing both my babies. I am also proud of Taj for accepting the fact that he is now a big boy and the boobs are gone. It has been a week today. He still asks, but asks with a little chuckle in his voice.

This weekend is going to be awesome. I have two new books that I bought yesterday, and I have already been immersing myself in one of them. I have been sitting in bed, pillows perched up, and reading just as I remember my mum reading. Have a lovely weekend!

aging gracefully

Are you afraid of growing old, the changes that will happen to your body, or that are already happening? I am not sure if I am afraid of growing old. I think I am a little unsure of what to expect and a little taken back that my body is already changing and I am in my 30s. I truly did not believe that this was the age where signs of aging began.

I am sure as a little person, even a teen I would have looked at those adults in their 30s and believed that they were old. But this is the age I have felt the best in my life. I feel awesome on the inside. Happy with who I am and happy to where I am walking. But on the outside is a different story as I start to see changes happening. No gray hairs yet, but there are extra lines, extra bits of skin, and for some reason I have hit puberty again with pimples appearing.

There are advantages of growing old. One of course would be the fact you become wiser. I know I have learnt a lot in the past 4 years. I have grown more now than I have ever grown in my whole life. And I guess it is exciting to know I will grow more. I will become wiser, and personally I am taking more time to soak up what is happening around me. A great advantage would have to be the games I am going to play as I get older. I know that might sound random, but I think about this every morning as I run past the people playing golf, most of which are elderly. I can see myself sporting some awesome checkered slacks. I have no doubt with the punishment my body is receiving with running I will be driving one of the golf buggies with my friends. Oh I am going to burn it up on the golf course!

Aging is a little frightening in a way, but there are so many things to look forward to. I am sure there would be some of you that would jump in my golf buggy for a round of golf. I bet I will loose more balls than any of you!

images: my friend Norm, who happily posed for a few photos.

my commitment

I finished my second book. I actually finished it a week ago and I have yet to buy another book to replace it. I read Committed, Elizabeth Gilbert's sequel to Eat Pray Love. There has been a bit of talk about it being a let down after reading Eat Pray Love, and I will admit I read about 10 pages and I was not enjoying it at all. I closed Committed.

I reopened it not long after as there was not much else to do while drinking my coffee, and I was a little over people watching. I put my head in the book and listened to her voice in the way that she was putting it across in this book. It was different, and it was meant to be different. It was a continual life story from Eat Pray Love, but it was so much more than that.

From this book I took a lot. It gave me a different perspective on marriage and relationships. I believe there is still someone out there for me. Someone that I will grow old with. For now I will walk my path, and hold their hand if they ever come along.You can still fall in love when you are 80. If I walk my path alone, I will still be happy with the commitment I have made to myself.

Now to choose a new book! I have had a few recommendations, and I might have to go with one of them. I spent a good half an hour looking at covers, reading the back of a lot of books, and walking out with nothing. You should not judge a book by its cover, but I sure do.

note: I do not judge people by their covers. There is a lot more to someone than meets the eye.

final summer sale at little pinwheel

Today I also wanted to share the awesome sale I have online at little pinwheel. This week you can receive a further 10% off summer clothing. Enter coupon code: summerend to redeem this offer. (not valid with any other coupon code, and discount ends 23 January 2011).

I hope to be around again tomorrow, but today I have had a day full of asthma attacks. I may just have a rest from writing to look after myself and the online store.

Enjoy the sale, it rocks!

keely's mad hatters tea party

Keely celebrated her 5th birthday over the weekend with the best party ever. It was such a lovely day. We celebrated one of her friend's birthdays in the morning and backed it up with her party in the afternoon. The day was full on for both myself and my lovely friend, Tanya, but we both survived!

During the week I felt somewhat disoganised, but when it came to putting the whole party together, it all worked. The party tags I had made by Sarah at Style Me Gorgeous and they were perfect. Sarah matched the purple and pink to go the the floral cards I used for the invitations and the party bags. (Thank you Sarah)! My lovely friend, Sophie, saved me from scouring through op shops to find teapots and floral fabric for the table cloth. (Thank you Sophie).

Fairy Skye who came last year to help celebrate Keely's birthday was a hit again this year. She created a tea party with lots of stuffed animals and crazy hats. They did craft and laughed. Keely was so happy, and to see every child smile and laughing was enough to know that it was a success. I am quietly glad parties only come once a year!

Happy birthday beautiful girl!

the morning woman (lady)

Today I have nothing. I do have a few posts I have been working on, but the words are just not coming together. I wanted to write about what makes a woman a lady. I know a bit strange, but I have always wondered if I am still a lady if I do not wear high heels. The one thing I know I should not even attempt to do; instant broken bones. I do look up to those women who can truly walk in heels, and look so effortless like they are walking with no shoes on. For me I think I will stick to my saltwater sandals and those bare feet.

I was also going to talk about the fact I have a ridiculous amount of sugar in my home right now. Not my kind of thing that is for sure, but this year I have gone sugar for the party. I usually do craft, but sad I could not face the mall last night to go to the art shop. I know it is sad, but I hate the mall, and I mean hate. I love shopping. There is no doubt about that, but I now do that all online. I shop like a man when it comes to the mall. I have it all set out in my head where I have to run to, and I mean run, and then get out of there. It is like I take one breath and I do not breathe again until I am safely driving out of that car park.

And lastly I have to say I am not that happy with my body clock that has still woken me up at a ridiculous hour when I am waking up with no little people in my home. That is just not on. I would love to sleep beyond 7am. But no I have this body and mind that can function too well early in the morning. Morning people are so chirpy and annoy those who are not. Annoying aren't I!

Have a great weekend. I know mine is going to be awesome!

the high five

Time goes too fast. Sometimes I feel it is not fast enough. But when it comes to little people and watching them grow, it is too fast. There is a part of you that wants to bottle them up and keep them little forever, and then this other part that gets excited as each year goes past. You see them achieve so much and there will never be any disappointment.

Keely is turning 5 this weekend. Yes the big 5. This year feels a lot older, and I can only assume it is a combination of the "big" school she will be going to next month, her face changing, her body becoming longer, and the way she talks to me and others. Keely really is a gentle little girl that has the biggest heart. She has been this way since she was first put on my chest, and I do not think she will ever change. This is part of her nature.

There will be a party. An awesome party. One that will be filled with giggles from little people, and the big people. I feel very unorganised, but I am sure it will all come together on the day.

All that matters is my little girl, or as she likes to be called, my big girl, is happy.

I love her that much.

thoughts and hope

I have to tell you today I feel so flippin' lucky.

Not all of australia is so lucky right now as Queensland is under water, and more towns and people are being devastated by floods. One of the towns that was under water is a place I had visited a lot as a child, Toowoomba. My best friend, Stacey, was from there. We were penpals from when I was in primary school. Stacey had to move from Canberra as her dad was in the army and we kept our friendship going through the written word. (I still have every letter Stacey ever wrote me). Unfortunately in our early 20s we had a falling out and we lost contact. I had not stopped thinking about her, and I was always having beautiful memories of such an amazing friendship built on letters and regular (long) bus trips up to Toowoomba.

The floods made me search her name on Facebook, but she was no where to be found. I searched her sister's name and there Stacey was under a new name. She was married! I sent her a message to tell her that I was thinking of her and that I hoped she was not affected and neither was her family or friends. I put a little line at the end telling her how much I thought of her and never stopped. Stacey messaged me back.

Opportunities.

Stacey said to me, "there is a ray of sunshine in QLD amongst all this rain now - happiness now that you messaged me xx"

My heart goes out to all of those in Queensland. One can only hope that as the conditions get worse that no more lives are lost. Take care x

summer picnics

Summer would not be summer without a picnic. I am not sure if you can class buying takeaway and eating it on a rug or beach towels a picnic. Actually I think it is a very australian style picnic. How else would you eat fish and chips in australia?

My awesome friends, Sophie, Paul and their son Jarrah made the most of one cloud free evening last week to have a picnic with my little people, and me of course! We had a yummy vege burger, chips and beer. And for the record the little people did not drink beer.

The cruiser made its way to our picnic, and it became the highlight of the late afternoon. I learnt how to stop; the odds are looking good for no broken bones.

Sophie joined in the fun, and was looking like a pro.

I someone how lost my new toy to the little people. It seems I will be running away to ride her on my own.

I did however get her back to show off a little!

I hope the rain stays away and there are more picnics. I love summer!

the sound of music

Time for a random post. Just something I have been thinking about lately as I walk through my life with my music in my ears. This is what I do when I am on my own; I listen to music. I love it. I run to music, I read my book to music, I hang at home with music, I clean the house to music, (mind you I don't clean much, find it overrated), and rock in my car to music. I am completely in my own world, and it is nice to turn it up so you cannot hear the world around you. Nice way to avoid people if you don't feel like talking!

I love to sing, and dance, and clearly cannot do both. You are all very lucky that you have not witnessed my dance moves or my singing inabilities.

I love some of the new music out, but I must say I love all the music I grew up with.

I can picture myself running to this song, and for some strange reason it has not been added to my ipod....

Whilst looking through itunes to purchase some music I found an 80's album and it took me back to some awesome songs. I am not sure if you would all appreciate them, but I am sure if you were a 70s child you will love them. You may not have loved them at the time, but I am sure now you could look back and find some memories of your life back then.

This one is especially for my friend, Nat, and you are in big trouble for not buying me a ticket!

Today I ran in the rain, and broke my ipod. I actually think the relief of getting completely wet and doing what I love was worth the fact I had to purchase another ipod while the other is in for repair. I cannot live without music in my ears. And for those who do not live in Sydney the humidity is through the roof at the moment, enough to make you want to stand in the rain, or tip a bucket of cold water over your head.

This song is just because it used to crack me up, and it still does today.

I am going to sing and dance my life away. Rock on!