It has been a while since I hugged my knees, sat in the corner of my room, and bawled my eyes out. Rocked back and forth, and wondered how I would even be able to breathe, get up and be a mother. This is no exaggeration. This is the truth. I have had moments of corner crying. I have moments of wondering how I could even be a parent. But then you have that little person cry out for you, or come and rub you on the back, and you suck it up, and get on with it.
I don't sit in the corner anymore. I just pour a glass of wine, give myself a pat on the back, and say "rock on." Or I find that moment where I actually get to go to the toilet on my own, allow some tears to fall, suck it up, and get off the toilet to be the best mum I can be for my little people.
Then there are the days where the sun just shines on the inside. Where everything I do works. Of course there are still tantrums happening around me, and there are still moments of wanting to smack my head against a brick wall, but it is sunnier.
How do I do it? I have ace friends. I have support of other mothers around me. I have friends who do not sugarcoat their days. They tell it like it is. They tell me if their day rocked. They tell me if it sucked. We are all the same. We all have the moments of wanting to smack our heads against that wall. There are times when I have no doubt there are other women lining up to use the same wall as me.
Today rocked a little. But it was also hard. My anxiety, or the anxiety, has returned. I think I should call it the anxiety, as I believe it is not part of me; it is my body telling me it has had enough. Time to slow down.
If only I could.
I will pour a glass of wine before the little people even go to bed. You can call me a bad mother if you want to. Or you can say cheers.
*the images above are my little people rockin' it. Today they rock. Today I don't.