It has been a while since I hugged my knees, sat in the corner of my room, and bawled my eyes out. Rocked back and forth, and wondered how I would even be able to breathe, get up and be a mother. This is no exaggeration. This is the truth. I have had moments of corner crying. I have moments of wondering how I could even be a parent. But then you have that little person cry out for you, or come and rub you on the back, and you suck it up, and get on with it.
I don't sit in the corner anymore. I just pour a glass of wine, give myself a pat on the back, and say "rock on." Or I find that moment where I actually get to go to the toilet on my own, allow some tears to fall, suck it up, and get off the toilet to be the best mum I can be for my little people.
Then there are the days where the sun just shines on the inside. Where everything I do works. Of course there are still tantrums happening around me, and there are still moments of wanting to smack my head against a brick wall, but it is sunnier.
How do I do it? I have ace friends. I have support of other mothers around me. I have friends who do not sugarcoat their days. They tell it like it is. They tell me if their day rocked. They tell me if it sucked. We are all the same. We all have the moments of wanting to smack our heads against that wall. There are times when I have no doubt there are other women lining up to use the same wall as me.
Today rocked a little. But it was also hard. My anxiety, or the anxiety, has returned. I think I should call it the anxiety, as I believe it is not part of me; it is my body telling me it has had enough. Time to slow down.
If only I could.
I will pour a glass of wine before the little people even go to bed. You can call me a bad mother if you want to. Or you can say cheers.
*the images above are my little people rockin' it. Today they rock. Today I don't.
OH Hayley this post just appeared at the right time, I posted something a little similar today and its always nice to see other Mums keeping it so real, thank you xx
ReplyDeleteI'll say cheers because I have 'the anxiety' too. It sucks. The worst!
ReplyDeleteSometimes we just need to put on those big girl panties and face the day! You faced the day beautifully, and now all you need to do is exactly what you told my beautiful son this morning. Sit down and take a few deep breaths (and pour that glass of wine). Take care Princess Blease xx
ReplyDelete*Chink* Salut!
ReplyDeleteYou rock. Cheers lovely, were all in the same boat. xx
ReplyDeleteSweetie, you need a holiday! Some time out to just "be".
ReplyDeleteI don't pretent to know you, but you seem to have this great ability to focus on what is important in your life & always look to the horizon.
There comes a time though when all those anxieties heap up & you just need time out - easy to say I know, you have a business to run little tikes to nurture, but.... take one day - just one! Put everything out of your mind, take the littlies to the beach, zoo, picnic at the botanic gardens, anything! Bring a good friend, chat - laugh - enjoy & that day, that one day that you take to just "be" will nourish you for the next week.
Cheers - have one for me! My day sucked too! x I love Taj's new haircut, now that ROCKS!
ReplyDeleteyes anonymous, I need a holiday, but don't we all! And in 5 weeks I will be having one.
ReplyDeleteI, like many other parents, have a lot of "one days." My little people get all, and more, of what you have just written. They get that each and every weekend, and every day of the week that they are with me.
Today was just one of those days, and over worked from working in the evenings to launch a new business. This is so I can do those "one day" activities with my little people. The anxiety is here because of grief.
This post is about saying it like it is. Being real, and not fluffing motherhood. But I am not going to sit here, and give you a run down of my weekly activities with my little people. I will just tell you, there is no way they miss out on the fun stuff, or their mum. And there is no way I miss out on the fun stuff either!
I am so sorry - I think I have been misunderstood, I only meant to be encouraging...I think I blundered this one though... I really do believe that your little ones are very nurtured, I believe that they are your number one & that you give SO much to them, in fact I believe that you give them more than most. You are an example for us mums to follow.
ReplyDeleteI suppose what I am trying to say is that it is organising those days, those precious moments with your favourite people, that help you through all these other moments - it’s what makes everything worth while. Making those memories (and I know you have many of them) keep you going through the hard times.
Please accept my sincere apology, I really hope I didn’t make your hard day any worse.
From the bottom of my heart I think you do a great job, - but really, it doesn’t matter what I think does it! :)
Sorry!
It's such a raw honest topic to blog about, put into words, i admire you. I can't imagine how it must feel to be anxious about your parenting, you have a constant audience & on your own, no escape, the responsibility is tremendous. While i don't drink, i don't judge, enjoy your wine while you look back at the day. Soon enough your baby boy will be in school & you have the whole day to regroup. Personally, i love the school mummies, they are always there, they're living the same life & are on the same page, can share ideas, experience & play dates!! Yahoo!! Invest in them, i do, they are the best free therapy you can get. Love Posie
ReplyDeleteoh, don't be sorry.... you didn't blunder it! I may have misunderstood a little, but I am one that analyses words a lot, so don't take that personally! You didn't make my day harder.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are very right. It is those memories that keep us going, and I know I am leaning on a few of them right now. Like the friend date I have this sunday. I am leaning on her right now, more than she would even know. It is that simple jump on the ferry and train ride for the little people that will make the next 2 weeks a whole lot easier.
Please don't be sorry.... there is nothing to be sorry about. I know I am a good mum. But I also know I can suck at times. The best thing is, the little people have no idea I am sucking. (Or any other mother that has those suck moments)! A little bit of burnt cupcake, hidden with icing, and they are happy!
Thank you xx
Hayley, I don't know you but I enjoy reading your blog. I do know anxiety though and it sucks! Especially when you can feel it creeping up on you when you thought it was 'gone'. One of the things that helped me was mindfulness meditation and I am not really an earth child! It allowed me to feel the anxiety and sit with it, just let it be there. When I tried to fight it, make it go away, it only roared louder. Hope this helps you and I hope you are feeling back to you soon.
ReplyDeletep.s. I can't wait for the Lady!
I like to pour a glass of wine and tell myself I rock too, cheers big ears xo
ReplyDeleteBig cheers Hayley - big cheers! Thank you and many other mums out there for keeping it real. I think it is the greatest gift we mums can give each other.
ReplyDelete