writing a book

Why do I riddle? Some say I do. I more call it, keeping my cards close to my chest. Holding myself a little more together so I do not get hurt, or hurt anyone around me. It is protection, and keeping myself safe from a negative response. I didn't always write in riddles. I would put it out there, and be completely naked to the world. But sometimes when you feel like you are the "poor" me chick, you feel it is better to keep the bad stuff closer to yourself. It was a part of my life that I even kept from some of my friends, or those friends I shared with, I ended up pushing away to deal with it on my own. 

When one blogs, they share a lot about themselves, sometimes it is good stuff, sometimes it is bad stuff, and sometimes it will be things you have no interest in whatsoever. It is not that easy to share your life with the thought of judgement, and when you share something, you truly do open yourself up for criticism. Anyone can write a blog, and anyone can comment. So I try very hard to watch what I post. I think that is why most bloggers take a break, just share images, or show a "perfect" life, without any of the everyday crap we all face. The fear of judgement.

So do you really want to know everything about a person? Every single detail? Where does that leave me. Where is the mystery about me if you see it all. Every card laid out on the table there for you to see. My deepest fears, my deepest dreams; me. I am not that cool, that interesting, or that inspirational. I am real, just like you are real. I am not some robot typing away. I am an actual woman, with two children, a business, some friends, and I too struggle with paying bills, putting food on the table, and finding the time to do a lot of the things I would like to do.

I can share what happened in the past 3 months, but with that will come judgement on both sides. Judgement on him as a person, the way he treated me, my decisions to walk away, why I walked, and why he will never understand. I can share the fact I had to relive a part of my life that changed me forever. That I walked down a very similar path as I did when I lost my mum. That I had all of that, including a whole other heartbreak to deal with at the same time. That I questioned myself so much as a person, that I stopped believing in myself and my dreams, due to one person's actions towards himself, and towards me. I can share it all, but what will that do for you? What will it do for me? I have had counselling over it, and I no longer require counselling. From that moment I let him go, I let that anxiety go, that post traumatic disorder rested back into a part of my mind, where it belongs, and now I can continue living the huge dream I have.


{yes the above paragraph is a riddle, but like I said, I received counselling, and I no longer need it. I have survived another hard time in my life, and for now, I will keep this close to me. I do believe it will help some people to share this, but for now, I personally believe these are cards I am keeping close to my own heart}.

What will sharing my biggest dreams do to those that follow my blog? Will it make you go out and do the same thing, or will it help you find your dream, or not be scared to try and live your dream, you already have? 

My awesome friend from the UK skyped me this afternoon and we spoke about all of this, blogging, and how I have shared things in the past, and how I would like to have some kind of normality, even though my life is very normal. I told her my biggest dream. I had never told her, and she is one of my best friends. Karen told me to tell. She said to me that it would help me, encourage myself more to keep training, and achieving goals that my coach lays out for me. I spoke about the fear of failure, of sharing such a huge dream, and then in turn letting more people down, than just myself. That if I do not reach these goals, I would be judged by others. Karen told me that it would ultimately help me work harder at succeeding, and in turn if I do fall, I will only be helped up by a whole lot of people that want to see me succeed, and reach my dreams.

I want to be a professional runner. I have huge dreams of competing at a higher level. I have bigger dreams of running in the commonwealth games, of running for australia in the olympics. 

That is it. That is my biggest dream in life. Some of you might laugh, some of you might think, what the hell is she thinking trying to achieve such a huge dream. And some of you will be pushing me to achieve this. To run, and go without a few things in my life to achieve this. 

There is the naked truth. There is my dream without the riddle. Plain and simple. I want to run, and run for a whole lot more than just myself. I want to run for everything that has happened to me in life, for everything that has happened to those people that are close to me, for people that are strangers, and that have faced similar things in life. If my bad things, and my good things are pushing me to run, then I will use them, and run faster and harder. I know I may not succeed. I may not even reach my dream. But I will try, and I will try harder than I have ever tried before. There is no failure in trying.

I take my mum with me every time I put my runners on. She runs with me. I take my strength of surviving abuse with me. I take the strength and encouragement from the friends that are important to me in life. I take my children with me. I take my coaches words with me. Every single one of these aspects of my inner thoughts help me run.


The future of this blog is unknown. I am a normal person, so I am going to have moments where I want to talk about the fact I hate doing washing, I do not like the fact my new home has no dishwasher, that my daughter has not lost one tooth yet, that she is behind in reading, but she excels at art, that my son receives more attention than Keely does, (not by me, but other people that meet my children), that I am now officially divorced, and I want to say what that all feels like, that I am trying hard to accept changes that come with divorce, and trying hard to protect my little people with the changes that are happening around them. There is a lot I can talk about, and I will write posts that you do not like, but I may one day write one that you can completely relate to. And that is because I am just like you. I am completely normal, with good stuff, and bad stuff happening every day. It is life. I just choose to share mine through a blog, and you choose to read about it. For those days I suck, I apologise. For those days you like my post, then rock on.


So there you have it, my biggest dream; to run for a whole lot more. 


*(note: I over cooked my brown rice writing this blog post.... see I am normal, I just had a moment in the kitchen).

**For the anonymous comment on my other blog post today, thank you. I believe you are right in that I have been writing in riddles. I have had a lot happen, and I was holding a lot of me closed, due to a change in me that was out of my control. You helped me open back up, and completely question why I have been writing in a different way, and why I am so closed up. I might still riddle at times, and if I do, just know I am only doing it to protect myself, not to confuse you! Thank you. x