Wednesday, July 4, 2012

writing a book

Why do I riddle? Some say I do. I more call it, keeping my cards close to my chest. Holding myself a little more together so I do not get hurt, or hurt anyone around me. It is protection, and keeping myself safe from a negative response. I didn't always write in riddles. I would put it out there, and be completely naked to the world. But sometimes when you feel like you are the "poor" me chick, you feel it is better to keep the bad stuff closer to yourself. It was a part of my life that I even kept from some of my friends, or those friends I shared with, I ended up pushing away to deal with it on my own. 

When one blogs, they share a lot about themselves, sometimes it is good stuff, sometimes it is bad stuff, and sometimes it will be things you have no interest in whatsoever. It is not that easy to share your life with the thought of judgement, and when you share something, you truly do open yourself up for criticism. Anyone can write a blog, and anyone can comment. So I try very hard to watch what I post. I think that is why most bloggers take a break, just share images, or show a "perfect" life, without any of the everyday crap we all face. The fear of judgement.

So do you really want to know everything about a person? Every single detail? Where does that leave me. Where is the mystery about me if you see it all. Every card laid out on the table there for you to see. My deepest fears, my deepest dreams; me. I am not that cool, that interesting, or that inspirational. I am real, just like you are real. I am not some robot typing away. I am an actual woman, with two children, a business, some friends, and I too struggle with paying bills, putting food on the table, and finding the time to do a lot of the things I would like to do.

I can share what happened in the past 3 months, but with that will come judgement on both sides. Judgement on him as a person, the way he treated me, my decisions to walk away, why I walked, and why he will never understand. I can share the fact I had to relive a part of my life that changed me forever. That I walked down a very similar path as I did when I lost my mum. That I had all of that, including a whole other heartbreak to deal with at the same time. That I questioned myself so much as a person, that I stopped believing in myself and my dreams, due to one person's actions towards himself, and towards me. I can share it all, but what will that do for you? What will it do for me? I have had counselling over it, and I no longer require counselling. From that moment I let him go, I let that anxiety go, that post traumatic disorder rested back into a part of my mind, where it belongs, and now I can continue living the huge dream I have.

{yes the above paragraph is a riddle, but like I said, I received counselling, and I no longer need it. I have survived another hard time in my life, and for now, I will keep this close to me. I do believe it will help some people to share this, but for now, I personally believe these are cards I am keeping close to my own heart}.

What will sharing my biggest dreams do to those that follow my blog? Will it make you go out and do the same thing, or will it help you find your dream, or not be scared to try and live your dream, you already have? 

My awesome friend from the UK skyped me this afternoon and we spoke about all of this, blogging, and how I have shared things in the past, and how I would like to have some kind of normality, even though my life is very normal. I told her my biggest dream. I had never told her, and she is one of my best friends. Karen told me to tell. She said to me that it would help me, encourage myself more to keep training, and achieving goals that my coach lays out for me. I spoke about the fear of failure, of sharing such a huge dream, and then in turn letting more people down, than just myself. That if I do not reach these goals, I would be judged by others. Karen told me that it would ultimately help me work harder at succeeding, and in turn if I do fall, I will only be helped up by a whole lot of people that want to see me succeed, and reach my dreams.

I want to be a professional runner. I have huge dreams of competing at a higher level. I have bigger dreams of running in the commonwealth games, of running for australia in the olympics. 

That is it. That is my biggest dream in life. Some of you might laugh, some of you might think, what the hell is she thinking trying to achieve such a huge dream. And some of you will be pushing me to achieve this. To run, and go without a few things in my life to achieve this. 

There is the naked truth. There is my dream without the riddle. Plain and simple. I want to run, and run for a whole lot more than just myself. I want to run for everything that has happened to me in life, for everything that has happened to those people that are close to me, for people that are strangers, and that have faced similar things in life. If my bad things, and my good things are pushing me to run, then I will use them, and run faster and harder. I know I may not succeed. I may not even reach my dream. But I will try, and I will try harder than I have ever tried before. There is no failure in trying.

I take my mum with me every time I put my runners on. She runs with me. I take my strength of surviving abuse with me. I take the strength and encouragement from the friends that are important to me in life. I take my children with me. I take my coaches words with me. Every single one of these aspects of my inner thoughts help me run.

The future of this blog is unknown. I am a normal person, so I am going to have moments where I want to talk about the fact I hate doing washing, I do not like the fact my new home has no dishwasher, that my daughter has not lost one tooth yet, that she is behind in reading, but she excels at art, that my son receives more attention than Keely does, (not by me, but other people that meet my children), that I am now officially divorced, and I want to say what that all feels like, that I am trying hard to accept changes that come with divorce, and trying hard to protect my little people with the changes that are happening around them. There is a lot I can talk about, and I will write posts that you do not like, but I may one day write one that you can completely relate to. And that is because I am just like you. I am completely normal, with good stuff, and bad stuff happening every day. It is life. I just choose to share mine through a blog, and you choose to read about it. For those days I suck, I apologise. For those days you like my post, then rock on.

So there you have it, my biggest dream; to run for a whole lot more. 

*(note: I over cooked my brown rice writing this blog post.... see I am normal, I just had a moment in the kitchen).

**For the anonymous comment on my other blog post today, thank you. I believe you are right in that I have been writing in riddles. I have had a lot happen, and I was holding a lot of me closed, due to a change in me that was out of my control. You helped me open back up, and completely question why I have been writing in a different way, and why I am so closed up. I might still riddle at times, and if I do, just know I am only doing it to protect myself, not to confuse you! Thank you. x


  1. We all suck sometimes! SO I wouldn't worry about that! I think it is great that you have shared your dream, put it out there. By doing that you have made it that much more real & that much more attainable. In the end, if you decided to drop that dream & move onto another one, you haven't let anyone down. Not at all. You will succeed in whatever you chose to pursue. It sounds like you have some great people around you(both big & small!). They will love you & support you no matter what! xx

  2. in the back of my mind i thought that may have been your dream... i have been thinking that for a while... since your O/S marathon actually. it use to be my dream too, funny enough... or maybe not funny enough? middle distance tho. I use to live to run and run to live... I hope one day I can find a healthy balance like you seem to have and really enjoy to run again for the love of it (most of the time your balance I PRESUME is good coz you are normal and human.. sometimes it may not be so balanced, for the same reason;) ) I back you all the way from hear to the Commonwealth Games... I reckon you can do it. Have you read "In the long run" by steve moneghetti? if you haven't, i'll send it to you so that you can!! It is very empowering! I love your dream and really hope that you live it too!!!

    thank you for sharing your dream hayley

    i believe!

    1. Thank you jessi... i have not read it, but I am sure this is one my coach was going to lend me, or I had to go and buy. I have heard it is amazing. I have almost finished born to run, and that in itself is inspiring. I sure hope you get the love back. x

  3. I love reading your blog because it's real. The way you write grabbed me the first time I discovered your blog. I've cried when I've read some of your posts and laughed when I've read others. Gee, i really wish I could write like you! Your blog has been very inspiring to me and to read your dream is incredibly inspiring even though I can't run to save my life (I do shuffle round the block though). Go for it, and keep blogging. I love that you keep it real. Thank you for sharing Hayley.

  4. You rock either way Hayley; good post, bad posts it makes no difference.
    Your raw honesty is inspiring & pushes me to be true to myself & follow my dreams too. Good luck with reaching your dream, we'll all be running beside you( or behind you lol :)xox

  5. Good on you Hayley...when I read your last blog post I felt like Anonymous was being a bit harsh so good on you for once again being so brave. Whenever I read your blog the first think I think of is 'brave'. Rock the running girlfriend x

  6. you go Miss Hayley, live your dream, have those bad days, the normal days & the spectacular days.
    be you, enjoy those gorgeous beings and live your dream and take it to where you want to take it.
    BIG hugs always ♥

  7. Hayley, I was the anonymous (by accident) commenter - the same Jenna that cheered as you crossed the finish line on Sunday.
    How and what you share on your blog (riddled or not) is purely up to you and was not the point I was trying to make. My intention was to suggest you declare your wonderful dream loud and clear, confident it would rouse support and help you stay accountable to YOURSELF. I know from experience that by putting it out there, the universe and the people around you will conspire to help you make this dream tangible.

    Thank you for reading my comment in the way that I meant for you to - it was never a criticism or an attempt to have you open your readers up to the chronicles of your personal life. I truly believe that running is what lights a fire in your belly and that one day, without a doubt, you will achieve this very inspiring goal.

    Love your heart-stirring words.

    Thank YOU.

    1. jenna, truly your comment was awesome, and I loved it, as it made me think. That is the cool thing about blogging, you can turn a blog post out of someone's comment. I read it the way it was intended to be, and like I said, I thank you for that. I did used to write very black and white, and have changed a little. It is nice to know that I can still write and say it like it is. And of course thank you again for your little pinwheel cheers on sunday! xx

  8. You and your blog are annoyingly narcissistic puts me off buying kids clothes off your website isn't that the point of a blog linked to a business?

    1. and your point to your comment is? If it is that you do not like my blog, then don't come and read it... have the balls to put your name instead of anonymous... there is only one person I know that would leave a comment like this. you need to stop trying to hurt people around you to make yourself feel better.

    2. And yet you keep coming back. What an ass hole.

    3. H.A.T.E.R.S - Having anger towards everyone reaching success

  9. geez Louise- it's your blog. Write whatever you like.

    I feel very privileged that we get to share just a bit of your sparkle, and that piece of magic makes a lot of difference to me.

    Have a great weekend :) Bee

  10. Lovely words Hailey. Thank you for sharing even more of your world.
    I love that blogging can touch so many (i do love the comment above). You inspire me.
    Dream big. You can do anything you set your heart and mind to. Run.

  11. Hayley I have been following your blog ever since I bought my daughter and I our first pair of salts a couple of years ago. You are SUCH an inspiration and this post especially is testament to your amazing journey of finding out and making sense of what this life is all about - and I have so much respect and appreciation for that xxx Thank you and keep being yourself because you really are a special lady :)



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