the light bulb affect

I still remember the first time I went to the movies on my own. I was 17, and in year 11 at school. We were meant to go as a class, and see Once Were Warriors. It was for a creative piece in English class. I heard a bit about the movie, enough to know there was a rape scene. I made an excuse to get out of the group excursion. I knew there would be tears. Not so distant memories at that age, and something I was already in the process of working through.

I went on my own. Not very well prepared. No tissues.

I received an A for that assignment. 

The movies were not a place I liked to go on my own. I found it to be a thing you did with people. Ate way too much popcorn, some jaffas back in the day, which we now seem to consume maltesers instead. It was a great thing to do with friends, or that first date. Gave you something to talk about. 

Yesterday I went on my own. I saw A Royal Affair. I love a movie that is back in another century, especially one with subtitles. Being a lover of history, but surprisingly enough, not knowing anything of real importance to have a discussion over. I however love it. I love the clothing. I love horses, and I would love nothing more than to spend a week of my life riding a horse to do my everyday chores. I love the way they talk to each other. I also hate the way they talk to each other. There is respect, and then there is no respect. There seems to be no shade of grey. No middle ground. You are either respectful, or completely disrespectful. 

The feelings I get when I walk out on my own are still as if I walked out with someone. The questions, the answers, all of those beautiful present day life things flash in your own mind, as you see some kind of a similarity, even though they are two totally different eras. I love that about movies. I love how you can sit there, watch something, and you completely get lost in their world, with visions of your own world right there with you.

This won't be the last time I go on my own. Honestly, if you knew me, truly knew me, you would know this was a big thing to go and be with just me. To know that it is ok to do things without someone protecting you in life. I know it would sound weird. But I always had someone in my life to bounce things off, have that person to listen to me, and that person to help me feel safe in life, even without them knowing that is what they were doing for me. Mum was that person. My husband was that person. My children are both that person for me. My friends are it. But I am not with them all the time. I no longer have a mother. I no longer have a husband. There are times when it is just me. It is about self discovery. Finding my way in life. Finding me again. And I believe that I have found who I am, and who I want to be. 

Yes, a solo trip to the movies, an amazing 24km run yesterday morning, and a day with just me, has shown me that I know who I am. I know the person I strive to be more of. 

Life is pretty ace right now. Go and see a flick on your own...... It did wonders for me at the age of 17, and at 35.

I love epiphanies. 

Do you get those feelings when you see a movie. Do you see your own life, and have you ever had an epiphany?