more than sorry

There is nothing like the simple word, "sorry." My sister said that to me today. After months of not talking, we are now becoming a family again.

The loss of our mum was huge. Massive. Too much for any of us to handle really. We tried to do it together, hold each others hands. Although, we all let go. {My brother is still letting go. I wish I could grab his hand and stop him from drinking. I have hope one day he will stop himself}.

It is time to accept the fact we are all very different people. Raised by the same mother, and all three of us are chalk and cheese. In our own ways we were trying to help each other, and in turn we were doing more harm than good. We all had a different relationship with mum. I am not sure if she planned it that way, or if it was because we are so different in our personalities and our ways.

I am the big talker, the one that learnt to never have a secret. Mum knew everything. I mean every single thing, to the true meaning of the word; everything. My sister is the independent one. The person that wanted to live her life in her way. Although the strong one was also the one that became weak at times. She had a very different relationship with mum. I don't even know how to explain it. I was jealous at times, and I know that she too was jealous of the relationship I had with mum. My brother was the quiet achiever. Never really going to go far in life, although happy to stand by mums's side, and have her guidance. I completely understand why he did that. I guess we all did that in our own way. We all stood there. Right there with her. 

There are ways to keep breathing, and there are ways to allow those tears to fall when they need to. I run. That is my thing. I also come here, and write in my own way, and share everyday feelings. This is where I can talk to her, and tell her everything. Now, with a little hope, we might all be that little family that can stick together, just like she asked me to make sure would always happen if something ever happened to her.

Whoever thought the simple word would allow us to stand right here again. Right here together, in our own way; with mum holding each of our hands.

I too am sorry. 

*You know I could go on about my mum forever. Tell you everything that I knew and things I still discover today. I have no doubt, I will share more about my beautiful mum.

the bush and the walk

Simple, yet adventurous. I love what you can teach them. What they discover themselves. I grew up doing the same with my mum. It is a piece of her I am giving to them; the love of the bush, and the walk. 

The fresh air, the questions, the laughter, even the struggling little legs, (that make their way onto my shoulders), and the turtle pace. All of it I love.

I want to share a thing we have. I have no idea why I started it. Might have been a tantrum one day in the car that made me think of it. We mothers come up with random things at times of need. This is my random thing. 

Over a speed bump, in the car, the little people have to put their arms up. I told them it feels better. Just like a rollercoaster ride. So much better with your arms up in the air. When we went for our bush walk, we walked up "snake hill," and they were so excited when they saw the bump in the road. 

Arms up! 

I hope you enjoyed your weekend as much as we did. 

I smell it; spring is in the air

I smell spring in the air. Although my toes are still cold in these saltwater sandals!

The smell of baking on a saturday morning, after an early morning swimming session with the little people.

The smell of amazing coffee devoured with two waffles for the little people.

The smell of freshly hung out clean clothes.

The buds forming on my orchid. About to flower in time for my mum's anniversary. {Nice timing}.

The smell of the sea air wafting through our home. 

Soon to have sand in our toes, and the sunshine on our faces.

Enjoy your weekend!

little pinwheel summer school; minti & littlehorn summer 12

The seasons are changing at little pinwheel. To kick off summer I came up with a campaign. Something different. And a little quirky; the Little Pinwheel Summer School.

Enrolments are still open for all your little people to rock Minti, and Littlehorn. It is the launch of the busiest time of year for me. I love it.

This is what I do. I set up photo shoots with some ace friends, and extra little people to help out. This is the part I love the most. The chaos, the laughter, and the children being themselves. 

I thought about what success means to me as I sat and did my BAS on the weekend. On paper it is just a whole bunch of numbers. I am not the big pile of cash chick. Of course I would love some stashed away under my mattress. Who wouldn't! The thing is success to me is putting food on the table, watching my children grow, watching myself grow as a person, and a mother, sometimes success is getting through the day, and right now this is success. Starting a crazy creative dream in my head, setting up the photo shoot with the help of amazing friends, my little people, Pulp Creative Paper with their props, and seeing the finished project go live. 

This is it for me. Success is starting something, and watching it come alive at the other end.

Today I am going to say that I am proud of myself. I am actually going to roll in this mud of happiness, and be as happy as a pig in mud, and not feel guilty for feeling awesome.

new kids on the block

Do you remember being little. The kid in the street. You played with everyone on your block. Bike riding, marbles, roller skating, jacks, matchbox cars in the dirt, hide and seek, you swam in each others pools, played at the park, in your own backyard, and helped feed the guinea pigs and the chooks every night. This was my childhood. (And I have no doubt very similar to your own). 

counting to ten, three times, as he cannot count to thirty

on bar, which means she is safe

Taj is it!

counting to thirty

"ready or not, here I come!"

where did they go?

backyard cricket

watching for the ball

batter up!

This afternoon Keely and Taj played in the backyard with their neighbours.

Did you play in the street with the other kids? What was your favourite game? 

Mine was elastics... do you remember elastics?!

the light bulb affect

I still remember the first time I went to the movies on my own. I was 17, and in year 11 at school. We were meant to go as a class, and see Once Were Warriors. It was for a creative piece in English class. I heard a bit about the movie, enough to know there was a rape scene. I made an excuse to get out of the group excursion. I knew there would be tears. Not so distant memories at that age, and something I was already in the process of working through.

I went on my own. Not very well prepared. No tissues.

I received an A for that assignment. 

The movies were not a place I liked to go on my own. I found it to be a thing you did with people. Ate way too much popcorn, some jaffas back in the day, which we now seem to consume maltesers instead. It was a great thing to do with friends, or that first date. Gave you something to talk about. 

Yesterday I went on my own. I saw A Royal Affair. I love a movie that is back in another century, especially one with subtitles. Being a lover of history, but surprisingly enough, not knowing anything of real importance to have a discussion over. I however love it. I love the clothing. I love horses, and I would love nothing more than to spend a week of my life riding a horse to do my everyday chores. I love the way they talk to each other. I also hate the way they talk to each other. There is respect, and then there is no respect. There seems to be no shade of grey. No middle ground. You are either respectful, or completely disrespectful. 

The feelings I get when I walk out on my own are still as if I walked out with someone. The questions, the answers, all of those beautiful present day life things flash in your own mind, as you see some kind of a similarity, even though they are two totally different eras. I love that about movies. I love how you can sit there, watch something, and you completely get lost in their world, with visions of your own world right there with you.

This won't be the last time I go on my own. Honestly, if you knew me, truly knew me, you would know this was a big thing to go and be with just me. To know that it is ok to do things without someone protecting you in life. I know it would sound weird. But I always had someone in my life to bounce things off, have that person to listen to me, and that person to help me feel safe in life, even without them knowing that is what they were doing for me. Mum was that person. My husband was that person. My children are both that person for me. My friends are it. But I am not with them all the time. I no longer have a mother. I no longer have a husband. There are times when it is just me. It is about self discovery. Finding my way in life. Finding me again. And I believe that I have found who I am, and who I want to be. 

Yes, a solo trip to the movies, an amazing 24km run yesterday morning, and a day with just me, has shown me that I know who I am. I know the person I strive to be more of. 

Life is pretty ace right now. Go and see a flick on your own...... It did wonders for me at the age of 17, and at 35.

I love epiphanies. 

Do you get those feelings when you see a movie. Do you see your own life, and have you ever had an epiphany? 

fun friday

If there is a day of the week I love, it is Friday. It is my day to rock it with my little guy, and it is always fun. That is where fun friday came from. We have fun. It is about stepping back from the computer side of Little and Lady Pinwheel, and being the ace mum for him.

Today we rocked it with his friend, Keenan. And along came my canon with my 50mm lens. It was time to pull out the portrait lens for a play.

I looked after two Bob the Builders for a couple of hours while one of my best friends went to get some hot hair for her hot date with her husband tonight. {Every woman needs hot hair before a date with their man}.

They dug.

They fixed it.

They fixed it some more. Actually that is what they did a lot.

They ate lunch, and snacked on some strawberries in the sun.

Mowed the lawn.

They jumped.

They crafted.

Played with Vegas, the dog. {Yes this is the friend from my California trip that wants me to get married in Vegas}.

Taj took photos of me.

Taj rocked a pic of Jules with her hot hair, myself, and Keenan picking a winner.

Rock your weekend. x