the positive body bits and pieces at almost 40

I am struggling to do a lot of things lately, and one of them is blogging. Although this is not my major struggle; I struggle to get dressed in the mornings. I play superman about 4 times on average until I am either happy with what I walk out of the house in, or I have completely ran out of time, and have to roll with it, until I come home to get changed at lunch time! I know nuts, right.

Taj dressed me in this outfit... black ripped jeans and a black singlet (he knows black is good)

But it isn't nuts, because as soon as I opened my mouth and spoke to people around me, one my doctor, it was clear to me that this is the norm around my age. I am getting close to 40, the figure has changed a little. (I know I am slim, and athletic, although I still get the bits and pieces). No one around me was talking about this issue, even though a lot of my friends are a little ahead of me in the age game. 

At first, I had posted on instagram, which went to my Facebook page, and I was personally having a 'what the?' reaction. The comments were awesome. My doctor also explained it to me, and my best friend that was recently 40 discussed it with me too. She talked about acceptance and how much she loves her body. She goes to the gym 3 times a week, eats pretty well, but not scared to have a blow out with the food we all love. 'Why be scared, I go to the gym 3 times a week!' I love it, because she taught me a lot right there and then over a good cup of coffee, and freshly baked homemade {treat} muffins.

I walked away thinking, acceptance without the guilt. 

The very next day, Taj dressed me. I asked him to choose my outfit for the day. The day after Keely chose my outfit. From then on, I have chosen and not changed once. It has been 6 days. I feel I am out of that stupid head rut I was in, and to make sure tomorrow I take on a new challenge.

keely's outfit... she loves me in skirts!

It is the clear the cupboard out, and start fresh challenge. All clothes I don't really wear, the ones I have had issues with in the past few weeks, will be boxed up and shipped off to one of my best friends. She will have her rummage, make sure I am not being too crazy, and then the remaining clothes will go to a charity.

Big job, however I think it will be worth it. Women need to accept their bodies at all stages in their lives. I wish I loved my body in my 20s, instead of being so hung up about it. I have decided I will love my body at 37 and beyond. We all learn at some stage, and I will pass all this awesome knowledge onto my daughter. She can live a positive body image life early on.

Bring on operation fashion parade!

{recovery is going well, I have a wind trainer and riding my bike with minimal impact on my leg. I feel great}!

good karma for being brave

It is the week that just keeps giving! Who doesn't love some good karma flying back in their face? This week it has been mine, and it is such a reward for sharing my voice in words to the Royal Commission into child sexual assault.

This morning I received a phone call from a lady Commissioner. She had been passed on my details as the Commissioner who read my letter was very touched by the words I had written. Because my personal story does not fall under the specific terms of reference, a Commissioner is going to personally write back to me in reference to my letter into the Royal Commission. I had made some very good points of reference in my survival of child sexual assault. The lady was lovely, and told me that they do not single out letters and call people independently, however in this case they wanted to talk to me, and then also put a few things into writing, and post me a letter within a week.

Writing to the Royal Commission was last minute, (the day before submissions closed), however it was not written with only minutes to spare. This was and is my life story. I wish I could share it with you, and one day I hope to. It has parts of my story in reference to what they are asking for in this particular paper. I even outline at the bottom of my personal letter that I may not fall under their criteria, however continue to have a majority of the answers with good points of reference reflecting to my personal story. I did something to warrant a phone call. Even when you don't fall under a 'category' in life, you should never single yourself out to be less the person you are. You never know just how awesome you are until you share your story, and see how much you watch the dominos fall.

I am grateful for finding my voice, for sharing it with people like Tony Abbott, Mike Baird and the awesome Pat Farmer. And I am grateful for having the support of the people close to me, and those I do not even know.

I know I am only one person, but I sure do feel like I have a full force of strength behind me from those who only wish they could share their voice too. I hope that in my lifetime I see the world change more when it comes to the laws surrounding child sexual assault, and that when I continue to work towards my dream of running around the world, I open a lot of people up to the fact they too can talk about child sexual assault, being a survivor or not. 

one year on, and now I am talking to Tafe students!

One deep breath and I was underway. Without thinking I was talking about child sexual assault and sharing my story. A year on since 777 and I was composed, confident and I felt safe. I knew one student in the room, who helped me get today's guest talk at the Tafe. Other than that they were new faces and people that wanted to listen.

I was living a dream. They didn't know that I wanted to talk to schools and create awareness in that way. I still cannot believe I have had this one dream and thought about this moment since I was in my late teens. Who thinks of a thing like that whilst facing court and the reality of life that was once a living nightmare. Who thinks about helping others by standing at the front of the classroom?

One brave little girl inside. That's who.

I sometimes wish I could talk to her. Connect to that scared girl inside and tell her that life will be ok. That it is safe.

Today they met a part of that girl, and at the same time they met a woman so brave and courageous to open up a subject that is no longer a secret. I hope they too will be brave and help others like the girl inside me when they graduate.

I hope this is the beginning of more for me, as I continue on with the Be Brave campaign. I am really proud of how far I have come, and where this big voice of mine is leading me in life. What a survivor!

parenting: give yourself credit, it is due

The worst critic is myself. I am awesome at pulling layers off myself, and then having to take the time to put them all back on again. It is exhausting, and it isn't a cool thing to do to yourself. I feel I have pulled back on being as hard on myself as I used to be. Sometimes all it takes is the simplest of things to give yourself a pat on the back.

Today I did just that. Smiled huge, as I looked through old images of my little people.

I have come a long way with being a single parent. My reward is two awesome, beautiful and inspiring little people. I don't think it would matter if I was a single parent or not. We are too hard on ourselves as parents. Maybe today, you too can give yourself a pat on the back.

They are happy, healthy and a reminder of just how perfect I am for them.

anxiety and my healthy gut

With all this wellness goodness being flipped around in our heads, you cannot help but stand up and allow it to become part of your life in one way or another. I made a decision that I needed to change. Not change too much, but change enough to be able to squish my anxiety, feel good about myself, and really go for the core of the issues, which ironically are in my gut.

Yes, I think with my heart, possibly too much in life, and I do use that head of mine too. However the force that drives me to be me is my gut. What I put in there, is what I will get out of it. The gut is the core to ones emotions, and if you were to know me, I am driven by my emotions. If I can put good stuff in, then one would only assume, I am going to get the best of me out of the food that I am eating.

In the past few weeks, and even years, I have experimented with cleansing, and starting all over again. Cleaning the core out, and rebuilding it. Although, before I know it, I am rebuilding and then adding things I truly should not be adding. It becomes that cycle, and easily driven from that first moment you go out for dinner, or you eat at a friend's house, and lifestyle changes from unexpected events. I am not a bad eater at all. I think that is why it is easy for me to get back into clean and sugar free eating. It now just needs to become a lifestyle change, with no guilt for having a meal out with friends. 

And no change to the anxiety levels.....

That is the part I am working on. I must be doing something right as I haven't had any anxiety for the past 6 weeks, except yesterday grabbed me by the chest and had a good hard squeeze of my chest. It was soon squished with a natural remedy my awesome friend had sent me. {It is an experiment that I will keep going with. There has to be a reason why it is back. And a part of me knows what it is}.

I am not sure if I am truly "sugar free" at the moment. More like a caveman in new age living. I have gone old school with my eating, and I am not scared if the opportunity arises to have a little treat amongst friends. I have also really pushed myself to put a lot of this onto my children. I guess when you are at home and have no choice to be here, you have the time to nut over some new eating plans for the whole family. It is more the lunchbox saga! {Insert some suspense music right now}

Last night I baked banana muffins, boiled some eggs for lunch boxes, and made homemade chicken nuggets for their dinner last night. No more packets of convenient crap. {Famous last words, however one can only try}. And succeed. Not only was it practical and easy, it was also great to spend that time I remember spending with Keely when she was younger. Sometimes we get caught up in the rat race of work and school drop off routine, we forget how awesome it is to bake and cook with our little people.

Happy baking and cooking…. would love any awesome meal ideas! Plus any anxiety busters when it comes to what you put in your mouth.



At the end of this week, I am back to the surgeon. A long recovery process will go to the next level, where I can only hope I start walking on it again. 

recovery from surgery and a twist in routine

My leg is high in the air, in a half cast, equipped with a bit of a fat foot, and two little people by my side. They are wagging school today, due to me not being able to drive for the next 6 weeks, and no one to pick them up today. It is kind of cool having an impromptu date with mum, the sunshine, a creative writing project, some chores to help mum out, and movies in bed.

The surgery was a success, and the new routine for the next few weeks seems to be working. Tomorrow I see the surgeon for an update, get out of the cast and into the hot knee high boot. I have been non weight bearing for the past 10 days, which has been interesting, especially when it comes to regular everyday chores. Thank goodness for Taj and his love for vacuuming. Keely has a new love of hanging out washing, whilst Taj loves to put the machine on. Not sure if it will be smooth sailing for the next few weeks, however for now it works. Once I can weight bear we should be able to hop on a bus and have some school holiday fun in Manly and the beach.

 

Hello sunshine and spring!

Orders are being packed by 8am each morning with help from my boyfriend, and at times my two little people. Today we rocked it, and even had time for a coffee.

Business as usual, with a little twist of chaos, extra love, and one less tooth for Taj.

who are you protecting?

I am protecting my girl, my little guy, I am protecting all Australian children, and with hope my voice spreads across the world and there are more children I am protecting.

Next week marks child protection week. There will be White Balloon Day celebrations across the country in creating awareness for child sexual assault, and raising much needed funds for Bravehearts. I will be attending the White Balloon Day Breakfast and I feel honoured to be part of such a big event with founder of Bravehearts, Hetty Johnston attending alongside a lot of other amazing and inspiring people. I cannot wait to hear them talk!

Being an ambassador I am really passionate about what Bravehearts do, and what they continue to do. I am also passionate in what I have been doing alongside them, with sharing my story and my voice. I never realise how far it reaches until I see the domino affect from having the courage to share. Above all, I am grateful that I can protect my children sharing with them the awareness, and creating a safe and happy environment for them to grow up in.

{you can still donate to help me raise more funds for Bravehearts. The Be Brave tee shirts are still available in children tee shirts, size 1-10 years, ladies xs-large, and mens small to extra large. Purchase here and 100% proceeds go to Bravehearts, or you can donate on my personal donation page, here}.

I am just back from one of my last runs before surgery. Just a little one, but bigger than what I have been doing. Today was 8km, and I feel great in the head. When the running stops on Monday, I will quit sugar. This week I have been on a cleanse preparing my body, and to be honest I feel amazing. I ironically didn't have any caffeine withdrawals, and I am not a big sugar eater anyway. So I feel this could be a good way of introducing some new recipes into our meals, and hopefully leading towards quitting sugar for my little people. Taj will be much easier, than miss fussy eater. 

Oh, and the television is still unplugged! My little people read more, play more and it is a delight to hear them read amongst themselves, to me and to each other.

a home without a television

I love moving furniture around, creating new spaces in our home. Even with a small space, and most of the time, a lack of different spots to move things to, I still manage to change it up a little. My next view is to move the big hunk of media metal off my cabinet, and turf it away.

The television.

Personally I don't watch it. I watch most things online if I want to catch up on things, or I watch flicks, or have a good old fashioned chat. I love a good chat. I am not into reality television shows, or shows that to me have no meaning. If anything ABC, or SBS is on. {And of course I cave into a bit of Offspring}. So if I don't watch it, then why make it accessible and the thing to turn on for my little people?

Lately I have had both Keely and Taj switch their ears off to me. I feel like I am the biggest nag. Even playing my own voice back in my head is a terrible broken record. I blame the television more than I blame my own parenting. Plus their age, and the fact I am trying to get them to take responsibilities of their individual routines in the mornings. 

It's pretty simple. Get dressed, make your beds, eat your breakfast, put your bowls in the sink, brush your teeth, hair and help me pack your bags with the lunch boxes and homework. Simple enough. It is even written on a list on the fridge, in pretty drawn pictures to make it more fun, and creative. I don't think I am asking too much. I am here to help them along the way. However I was finding that I was always late out the door as I too had to get ready, and it meant that I was walking out of the house with no breakfast. The last two days, I have made it their breakfast that gets put last. It went pear shaped yesterday, and Keely only just ate. 

There goes the television.

And today, no television, and Taj only just ate. I know it will take time, but I truly do think a home with no television allows them to have their creativity back that they had before the box, and before I found the box as the easy thing. It is nice to remove the 'go to' toy, and allow them to now play with their things, do craft, and on nice afternoons, play outside in the street on their bikes and scooters, and even kick a ball with me.

Now to remove the television, and recreate our space. We will do this together, as I don't want them to see the removal of the television as a punishment. It is a new way for us to be a family without the box as a distraction.

*we have a great computer that is in my room. this can be our television on weekends to have our movie nights on.

thank you royal commission

A few weeks back I did something that I didn't think I was really capable of doing. Well, I knew I could write, and it was about a subject close to my heart, and one I have great knowledge about. This time I had to use my head more so than my heart as I wrote a submission that went to the Royal Commission. It took me almost 3 hours to write. There were tea and chocolate brownie eating episodes in between. The pressure was on, as it had to be done that day, and into them by 9am the next day.

They were asking for submissions for a certain topic that I knew I could answer all, if not most of their questions. I knew I had some pretty good answers too from my personal experience of child sexual assault. This morning I received the email to say that my submission will be made public later this month.

Today is a great day. 

I found our day

Today I didn't really want to happen. I am not keen on this date, and how fast it comes around. Eight years is a long time, and in another way, it isn't that long at all. I truly feel like I saw my mum yesterday, and I still reach for my phone at times to call her and tell her things. I really hope those instincts never go, as they are quite beautiful. 

grateful for my beautiful friend who took me here for the weekend 

With wanting a day to not really happen, avoidance is a good thing. However it kicked off without me having the chance of avoiding mum's anniversary. I received two handmade cards from my little people. Keely's card says; 

'I love you to the moon Nan Nan love Keely xxooo'

and inside it says,

'I love you mummy. Have a happy day' {insert two happy faces}

and on the back is a drawing of Keely putting Nan Nan's ashes in the waterfall with a rainbow behind it. There are trees and birds, and the sun is shining.

Taj's card says;

'My Nan is beautiful. I love Nan because she is absolutely brilliant.'

and on the back it says,

'I love Nan so much. Nanny absolutely…stop stop stop it might be fun.'

and on the back there is an image of my mum on the moon, touching a star and sending the star down to us. 

This is why I can never let this day not happen. Everyday my mum is in my thoughts, and right beside me. She is in our conversations, in their drawings, and always will be.

Today I swam in the 50 metre pool. I had no other choice. I wanted to swim today, and have that time with my mum. The 25 metre pool was covered, pretty much a neon flashing sign from my mum, 'don't be a chicken, swim in the BIG pool.' One lap in and I could feel the tight chest as the pool got deeper. Oh I sucked it up, and swam a good kilometre in 21 minutes and still made it for school pickup. Thank you Mumso for a day that is becoming our special day, and not the day that I lost you.

runners can swim

Today I was counting, one, two, three, four. I was back in the pool, counting strokes, following the line and counting laps. For the first time in three weeks I smell like chlorine, and I have crunchy hair. Oh, and I feel pretty damn good too. There is something about following that black line, and being in that meditative state. There is also something awesome about a lady telling me after my swim, 'you are a very good swimmer, I was watching you!' Maybe runners can be swimmers too. If only I didn't breathe every fourth stroke, and actually learnt how to do the good old fashioned three stroke breathe technique. 

I think I should just take the compliment and go and put my crunchy hair in the sun for a bit!

Little pinwheel has a sale on the ladies mash up saltwater sandals… check it out, they are only $50 each 

depression :: the backseat driver

Yesterday my emotions took a backseat, and the head was in the drivers seat. Well it was for a slight moment, and just enough time to relieve the pressure on my chest. Too many panic attacks in the past week as the anxiety is heightened by the smallest of curve balls. I learnt a lot in only one hour. It is a very different approach to looking at ones life and analysing the whys, instead of driving the whole hour by my emotions. I have a feeling in the coming months I am going to learn a lot about myself, maybe even figure out who I am without the sexual assault. It could all be a new life blossoming underneath me, under the layers of the pain in this chest. I always thought it would be part of me for the rest of my life. It will be, but on a whole new level of knowledge and acceptance.

Today started off a good day. I guess I am apprehensive now as I know how quickly I can be pumping through my day and then the day pumping down on me. I am however pretty proud of 3 full days of not punishing myself. Today I did, and I have no idea why. The day was a good day, turned not so good. Or do you still call those days good? 

I am still smiling, not as many tears, and the chest has given me some relief today. I have two of the most amazing beautiful children and every day I am grateful for being their mumma. I hold it together so well for them, and at the same time I am letting it all out. It is time to be strong for them in a whole new way. Their mum is going to come out of this pain and maybe one day they will know that they held my hands each step of the way.



I am also grateful for the support from you; here, phone messages, and emails.

talking about depression

This was a blog post I didn't want to write, nor did I think anyone would want to read it, or hear about it. It's sad, and about struggle and heartache. No one wants to read about someone else's hard time fighting with the battle in their head…

Who wants to talk about depression? 

Well I want to talk about it, however I am not too sure how many people like to hear about it. Especially when the person writing the post is currently in the big dark hole of depression. I don't even want to admit it, and didn't want to admit it. I would prefer to say I am a survivor of child sexual assault, and keep the rest hidden. However it truly is time someone stood up and spoke about this taboo subject on the levels that no one wants to hear about it. {And I believe I have been doing this from the moment I opened up my mouth to share my secret}. I am not asking for any sympathy, I am just asking that you hopefully walk away from reading this post, and future posts with some kind of knowledge, and understanding of depression, and the ongoing effects of child sexual assault.

It has been 22 years since he last touched me. 22 big years. That is a such a chunk out of someone's life and some might think that is long enough to 'get over' something. {Oh how I dislike those words. You learn how to deal with it, or live with it; you never get over it}.

And with a bit of luck you will have the strength to make something of the horror you faced with the life you live today.

I have turned it into something positive. I have made a difference in the past 12 months, and I am pretty proud of my efforts. In this time I have achieved a lot, and at the same time I forgot about what was going on inside of me. It was evident for the one I love as he witnesses the nightmares, the sleepless nights, and the fear set inside of me. He can see it all. I thought I had it hidden. Buried, safely inside. However it isn't buried anymore, and it isn't safe; I don't feel safe. I am scared beyond what one should be afraid. I am afraid as the sun starts to set, and the darkness creeps on over my home. It is like I am living the nightmare of my childhood whilst being an adult and trying desperately to live a life that I deserve. 

I am suffering from PTSD. I am suffering from bulimia to help with the anxiety in my chest. {It is a moment of relief, and then it just returns. A cycle that is spiralling out of control. Even though the bulimia is a form of control, and punishment}. I am suffering from some denial of the fact I am hurting so much. I am suffering from believing I deserve to live each day, that I deserve my little people, and the man that loves me. That I deserve to have a successful business…. It all turns into, is my business really successful enough, do my children really love the life they have with me, when they have the full family unit with their father, which I cannot offer them without family of my own. Do my friends really want to hear about my struggles when they too have their own stuff going on. Who wants to hear about depression, or hang out with the lady that is crying inside, and screaming for help?

Just over a week ago I saw a psychologist about the sexual assault. Yesterday I rang one of my closest friends and asked for her help. It is hard to ask for help when you know that life goes on, and everyday people have their own things to do and deal with. Who wants to deal with that lady?

With a little hope you one day will help that lady, man, or child that puts their hand up and asks for your help. Because the strength it takes to admit that you are depressed and need help is harder to reach for than you think.

My friend came and helped me, and now I feel like she is right here with me every step of the way.

I hope whilst I am in this black hole, I can shed some light on how I am feeling and coping, as I try to beat depression from effects of child sexual assault with natural remedies, help from a specialist, my doctor and those close to me. I hope I have the strength to come here and write about my days or weeks. Because it will be a turn around. {And wow writing really helps me tap into my head, instead of the emotions I am driven by}. I have beaten it before with the loss of my mum. Now I will beat the effects of child sexual assault in order to have the strength to help turn child sexual assault into the subject we all talk about, and understand. I just hope the road isn't too long.

I just spoke about depression. I hope you can see that talking makes a person that is depressed feel less alone. It's a subject people should not be scared to hear about, because its hard to ask for help.

asking for help shows courage, {and determination}

Some people think with their hearts, some think with their heads, and others have the perfect balance of both. The problem with thinking with your heart is that you don't allow your head to do anything for you, which leads to where I am sitting right now. In a world of pain flooded by the emotions of the past. It isn't allowing me to think straight.

I am thinking with emotions, and emotions alone.

Today I was told I have amazing principals. I have this heart that is full of gold, although it is being taken over with emotions that I am unable to handle on my own anymore. This head of mine is pretty damn smart. It wants to strive to make a massive difference with child sexual assault, (which sadly might not happen in my lifetime, however I am going to continue to do what I am doing, and have the hope I have to change the world), and be strong enough to continue to face this journey along the way. In order to accomplish my dreams I need to be alright on the inside. There is this force of pain that is getting too much to bare, and it comes out in nightmares, flashbacks, new memories, anxiety, negative thoughts of myself, and the food I ate only 30 minutes ago.

There is one thing I am nailing, and that is parenting. Yes, I am sticking to a safe routine with my littles, (survival mode I call it), although I am giving them all of my heart that I can. Sadly behind closed doors I am in pain, and I never want them to see that or feel that. By the end of a day I am buggered, and I am scared. I have given all of what I have left in me to get through the routine we have, that is life. And I am falling in a heap. 

Thank goodness I was brave enough to ask for help.

Today I stood up tall, and I spoke about what I want, what I need, and what my dreams are. That I cannot stop, no matter how much my insides hurt, I have something I need to do, and I need the help to do it. Well today I got the help. It is a start, and I hope that I can strive to reach my dreams. 

One day I know I will write that book that helps people like myself, or even helps someone else to feel some inspiration to strive for their dreams, no matter what life they have faced. 

I am no hero, but one day, I do hope that I can stand up tall on a podium and have everyone hear about child sexual assault. It should not be a taboo subject, and it needs to be spoken about in the right context.

do you like my blog

Blogging used to be easy. I need to get out of my head that it is another form of social media where you are liked one day and not liked the next. Where you have a follower drop off over night. Where you actually have apps where you can see if people unfollow you…. come on, WTF. Seriously where did old fashioned, let's have some fun and share our lives turn into a popularity contest?

So I am going to be the unpopular one, maybe have no comments, and with a little hope continue to rise above it all and continue to write whatever is going on in this interesting head of mine. It may be boring, it may not interest you one little bit, however there might be a day where I strike something in your mind and it makes you think, it makes you cry, laugh or even cringe. Either way, it shouldn't matter how cool or uncool I am. It isn't about being the popular kid. It is about sharing some hope and insight into a ladies life that has survived a childhood no one should have encountered. 

Here is an insight of the past week and a bit…. 

I have been too scared to come here and share what I am feeling, as I don't want to be the down chick. I want to be the one that is punching the sky with my fist, and you are shouting, 'hooray!' from behind your computer screen….. I am sticking strictly to a routine. To step out of my boundaries puts me in the range of feeling scared and vulnerable. {Not cool to feel that}. It is survival mode for me. In between these feelings we have rocked some fun. A lot of fun! And I am still a fantastic mum. 

In order to cope with the demons in my head I have been suffering badly with the bulimia. But today I didn't. Today is a good day, with the bad before the good. Today I found out that I have 5 cavities in my molars. {Yes, that is enough to make anyone vomit, but today it was a slap in the face}. Instantly I blamed myself. I could feel the tears well up, but I had to suck them back. I desperately wanted to tell my dentist that it was my fault. I had been suffering with vomiting due to struggling from the past. {She knows this from my first few visits, as I told her I struggled with an eating disorder…. damn I still am}. Tonight I heard these words…. 

'This is not your fault, you know it isn't'

I know I am doing it. I am the one physically doing it. But he is right. All of this is a coping mechanism from the past. And I am not to blame. Soon I will smile huge, with no holes in my teeth, and they will be perfect. It will be my perfect little life, that I can show in images.

I wonder how many likes I will get!

the green thumb project

I would love to turn back time when I lived with my mum, and we had the best vege garden. It was huge. We had cucumber, tomatoes, broccoli, lettuce, and herbs. We were eating from our garden most days. It was bliss!

 Now I am wanting to give that to my little people, however we are renting. There are some garden beds outside the side of our home, although they do not receive enough sun to really rock some good vegetables. These school holidays we are going to prepare the beds, and make a garden that we can appreciate. 

I would love for my little people to enjoy and experience the green thumb, beyond our planted pots on our balcony with our fake grass.

Love school holidays and a new project.

whacky wednesday

Last night I bribed my children. {Some might call it parenting when treats or the television are used}. It all happened when I was not really into being the yelling mum, that only leads to me getting upset as I try harder to break up whatever is going on between the two of them. One was kicking the other, and one was poking the other. It was one of those silly sibling moments that was not going to end in a hurry and if it did, or when it did, it would end in tears, and usually from both of them. 

I am into letting them work it out between themselves. However so close to bedtime, I decided to stop the tears before bed, and suggested Keely hopped either on her bed, or her brother's bed and read him a book. 

Keely went out to our cool book collection, (the op shop finds), and pulled out 3 Dr Seuss books. She read all 3 of them. Taj sat listening, and even read his words he knew from school. 

Last night I won a battle with books. {And I will use it again, and again, and again}! In the end they also won, as they stayed up a little later than usual, and both fell asleep happy and dreaming about bears on wheels, on a whacky wednesday, and with curls and braids and beards and lashes.

Sweet dreams.

one huge leap to awareness

One foot in front of the other, one step at a time; with a little skip in between.

As the week goes on the skips will get closer together. Tomorrow the announcement is set to be made for the Ditto in a box to be placed in all NSW public primary schools. And my biggest personal achievement will be Thursday when I hand over one of the first educational boxes to my children's school.

For a few months it has been a tough ride, and hard to feel *proud of what I have achieved. I do believe the moment where that box is passed on to help over 500 students each year, in just that one school, I will feel proud in helping children to be safe, and feel safe.

I truly hope from here it opens up a lot of doors that I have held up in my head, and I can find a safe and happy path in doing a whole lot more to create more awareness across Australia, and to keep protecting my children too.

Next step, surgery, which I am ironically having in child protection week. No cycle this year.

It is the year of recovery, hope, and a few moments of skipping in between.

*I know I have helped my children, and hopefully I will help your children

kicking goals

Chores are not cool. I am not into them either, and my littles definitely aren't into them. However they are learning that when something needs to be done, you just need to get in, get your hands dirty and nail it on the head.

We even have a list of chores on the fridge so we can get out of the house in the mornings. It seems to work; sometimes it is still chaos. However that is life with little people, the chaos is part of the fun of raising children.

Keely did more than nail things on the head over the weekend. And it wasn't a chore, however it was a full day of commitment from her, with a few hours in between for some well deserved fun with her brother. Keely had her first ever gymnastics competition.

Her day started at 9:40am, hair plaited, and the way I was instructed to do it, her gymnastics outfit on underneath a warm jumper, borrowed from her brother. (It had a zip through, Keely didn't own any zip throughs. Didn't want to ruin the hair! So Keely rocked a cropped hoodie; it is the fashion apparently). 

In the car Keely sat next to me, and said, 'mum I can feel things in my tummy. I think they are butterflies!'

The butterflies left her tummy, or at least she didn't show she had them. That day Keely did more than show me her own commitment with a sport and her love for it. She taught me some valuable lessons. Yes, I am older and wiser and should know all of these things. However when you are in a bit of a hole trying to dig out again, you need all the little signs you can grab from a day, a moment, or from others. I took her guts, and woke up Monday morning with a huge step in my day.

Keely put the music in my ears with her first solo clarinet concert on the same day as her gymnastics competition.

This week, we are all on a bit of a high, and the shiny medals Keely sleeps with are a reminder that when you truly believe in yourself, you can achieve the ultimate goal. 

finding confidence

Over a year ago I started on a road in my life that was ultimately going to help others, and in my heart, change the world. I think I helped others, however my heart was wrong and I didn't change the world. Instead I think I changed me.

To open up a part of me the way I did is now having a bigger affect on me than I could have even imagined. When one is abused they have this awesome, (yes I call it awesome), ability to bury things deep inside. It is my safe place. When you open that up, you start to feel vulnerable, and in my case take everything to heart. Even simple words can go straight to the heart, and sometimes like a dagger, full of negative words. 

Not only did the inside of me change, the outside has changed with the lost ability to run and deal with these emotions, demons and memories I have resurfacing, and new nightmares that I thought I buried deep, deep inside. I have had to resort to my old coping mechanism and unfortunately that too is a form of punishment; bulimia. {I know it is not cool, and it breaks my heart that I suffer from such a horrible disease that I would hate to see either of my children suffer from. But their mum suffers because she suffered at the hands of a monster…. it isn't fair}.

All I wanted to achieve is fairness. At the same time as changing the world. Yes, black and white. Like some kind of hero in the silence of my own words. And why can't I see it all as black and white? Why does such a horrific crime only get media attention when a celebrity is involved? Or when one person decides they will pack up a bike and ride around the world. Why can't one journalist stand up, and share with the world how terrifying, horrific, and heartbreaking this crime on children is? Why does it need to be the survivor that tries so hard to share her voice, and no one can hear her beyond the red tape.

I have so many ideas, and hopes that run through my head, I don't even know where to start. I know things cannot change because I want them to. With hope I will heal along the way, and accept that being the person I am is not such a bad thing. The monster may have shaped me, changed my head to think certain ways, however he will never damage my heart and soul. I survived because I ran. The running gave me the confidence in myself that he took away. I was good at running. 

To use this personal battle I have inside, I hope that I can become confident enough in the pool and on the bike.

And believe that I can still be someone on two wheels.

*you can help by buying a Be Brave tee shirt, designed by the awesome team at Minti. Available in ladies, mens and children's sizes through littlepinwheel.com.au