Saturday, July 19, 2014

talking about depression

This was a blog post I didn't want to write, nor did I think anyone would want to read it, or hear about it. It's sad, and about struggle and heartache. No one wants to read about someone else's hard time fighting with the battle in their head…

Who wants to talk about depression? 

Well I want to talk about it, however I am not too sure how many people like to hear about it. Especially when the person writing the post is currently in the big dark hole of depression. I don't even want to admit it, and didn't want to admit it. I would prefer to say I am a survivor of child sexual assault, and keep the rest hidden. However it truly is time someone stood up and spoke about this taboo subject on the levels that no one wants to hear about it. {And I believe I have been doing this from the moment I opened up my mouth to share my secret}. I am not asking for any sympathy, I am just asking that you hopefully walk away from reading this post, and future posts with some kind of knowledge, and understanding of depression, and the ongoing effects of child sexual assault.

It has been 22 years since he last touched me. 22 big years. That is a such a chunk out of someone's life and some might think that is long enough to 'get over' something. {Oh how I dislike those words. You learn how to deal with it, or live with it; you never get over it}.

And with a bit of luck you will have the strength to make something of the horror you faced with the life you live today.

I have turned it into something positive. I have made a difference in the past 12 months, and I am pretty proud of my efforts. In this time I have achieved a lot, and at the same time I forgot about what was going on inside of me. It was evident for the one I love as he witnesses the nightmares, the sleepless nights, and the fear set inside of me. He can see it all. I thought I had it hidden. Buried, safely inside. However it isn't buried anymore, and it isn't safe; I don't feel safe. I am scared beyond what one should be afraid. I am afraid as the sun starts to set, and the darkness creeps on over my home. It is like I am living the nightmare of my childhood whilst being an adult and trying desperately to live a life that I deserve. 

I am suffering from PTSD. I am suffering from bulimia to help with the anxiety in my chest. {It is a moment of relief, and then it just returns. A cycle that is spiralling out of control. Even though the bulimia is a form of control, and punishment}. I am suffering from some denial of the fact I am hurting so much. I am suffering from believing I deserve to live each day, that I deserve my little people, and the man that loves me. That I deserve to have a successful business…. It all turns into, is my business really successful enough, do my children really love the life they have with me, when they have the full family unit with their father, which I cannot offer them without family of my own. Do my friends really want to hear about my struggles when they too have their own stuff going on. Who wants to hear about depression, or hang out with the lady that is crying inside, and screaming for help?

Just over a week ago I saw a psychologist about the sexual assault. Yesterday I rang one of my closest friends and asked for her help. It is hard to ask for help when you know that life goes on, and everyday people have their own things to do and deal with. Who wants to deal with that lady?

With a little hope you one day will help that lady, man, or child that puts their hand up and asks for your help. Because the strength it takes to admit that you are depressed and need help is harder to reach for than you think.

My friend came and helped me, and now I feel like she is right here with me every step of the way.

I hope whilst I am in this black hole, I can shed some light on how I am feeling and coping, as I try to beat depression from effects of child sexual assault with natural remedies, help from a specialist, my doctor and those close to me. I hope I have the strength to come here and write about my days or weeks. Because it will be a turn around. {And wow writing really helps me tap into my head, instead of the emotions I am driven by}. I have beaten it before with the loss of my mum. Now I will beat the effects of child sexual assault in order to have the strength to help turn child sexual assault into the subject we all talk about, and understand. I just hope the road isn't too long.

I just spoke about depression. I hope you can see that talking makes a person that is depressed feel less alone. It's a subject people should not be scared to hear about, because its hard to ask for help.


  1. I wish I had something really profound to say Hayley, but I am lost for words. Stay safe, you are incredibly brave & honest x

  2. Thanks for talking, hard as that must be. I am always amazed by what you give of yourself and I don't know how you balance it all, how you juggle it, but those little people of yours they look happy and healthy and loved. It's a triumph all of its own and one of many you can lay claim to.

  3. Hayley I'm sending you THE BIGGEST light filled hug!
    Rach from Berwick. X x



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