Over a year ago I started on a road in my life that was ultimately going to help others, and in my heart, change the world. I think I helped others, however my heart was wrong and I didn't change the world. Instead I think I changed me.
To open up a part of me the way I did is now having a bigger affect on me than I could have even imagined. When one is abused they have this awesome, (yes I call it awesome), ability to bury things deep inside. It is my safe place. When you open that up, you start to feel vulnerable, and in my case take everything to heart. Even simple words can go straight to the heart, and sometimes like a dagger, full of negative words.
Not only did the inside of me change, the outside has changed with the lost ability to run and deal with these emotions, demons and memories I have resurfacing, and new nightmares that I thought I buried deep, deep inside. I have had to resort to my old coping mechanism and unfortunately that too is a form of punishment; bulimia. {I know it is not cool, and it breaks my heart that I suffer from such a horrible disease that I would hate to see either of my children suffer from. But their mum suffers because she suffered at the hands of a monster…. it isn't fair}.
All I wanted to achieve is fairness. At the same time as changing the world. Yes, black and white. Like some kind of hero in the silence of my own words. And why can't I see it all as black and white? Why does such a horrific crime only get media attention when a celebrity is involved? Or when one person decides they will pack up a bike and ride around the world. Why can't one journalist stand up, and share with the world how terrifying, horrific, and heartbreaking this crime on children is? Why does it need to be the survivor that tries so hard to share her voice, and no one can hear her beyond the red tape.
I have so many ideas, and hopes that run through my head, I don't even know where to start. I know things cannot change because I want them to. With hope I will heal along the way, and accept that being the person I am is not such a bad thing. The monster may have shaped me, changed my head to think certain ways, however he will never damage my heart and soul. I survived because I ran. The running gave me the confidence in myself that he took away. I was good at running.
To use this personal battle I have inside, I hope that I can become confident enough in the pool and on the bike.
And believe that I can still be someone on two wheels.
*you can help by buying a Be Brave tee shirt, designed by the awesome team at Minti. Available in ladies, mens and children's sizes through littlepinwheel.com.au
Oh Hayley. You already are someone! You're Hayley!! And it doesn't matter if you use two wheels or two legs, you're Hayley and you have already changed the world.
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