Some people think with their hearts, some think with their heads, and others have the perfect balance of both. The problem with thinking with your heart is that you don't allow your head to do anything for you, which leads to where I am sitting right now. In a world of pain flooded by the emotions of the past. It isn't allowing me to think straight.
I am thinking with emotions, and emotions alone.
Today I was told I have amazing principals. I have this heart that is full of gold, although it is being taken over with emotions that I am unable to handle on my own anymore. This head of mine is pretty damn smart. It wants to strive to make a massive difference with child sexual assault, (which sadly might not happen in my lifetime, however I am going to continue to do what I am doing, and have the hope I have to change the world), and be strong enough to continue to face this journey along the way. In order to accomplish my dreams I need to be alright on the inside. There is this force of pain that is getting too much to bare, and it comes out in nightmares, flashbacks, new memories, anxiety, negative thoughts of myself, and the food I ate only 30 minutes ago.
There is one thing I am nailing, and that is parenting. Yes, I am sticking to a safe routine with my littles, (survival mode I call it), although I am giving them all of my heart that I can. Sadly behind closed doors I am in pain, and I never want them to see that or feel that. By the end of a day I am buggered, and I am scared. I have given all of what I have left in me to get through the routine we have, that is life. And I am falling in a heap.
Thank goodness I was brave enough to ask for help.
Today I stood up tall, and I spoke about what I want, what I need, and what my dreams are. That I cannot stop, no matter how much my insides hurt, I have something I need to do, and I need the help to do it. Well today I got the help. It is a start, and I hope that I can strive to reach my dreams.
One day I know I will write that book that helps people like myself, or even helps someone else to feel some inspiration to strive for their dreams, no matter what life they have faced.
I am no hero, but one day, I do hope that I can stand up tall on a podium and have everyone hear about child sexual assault. It should not be a taboo subject, and it needs to be spoken about in the right context.