do you like my blog

Blogging used to be easy. I need to get out of my head that it is another form of social media where you are liked one day and not liked the next. Where you have a follower drop off over night. Where you actually have apps where you can see if people unfollow you…. come on, WTF. Seriously where did old fashioned, let's have some fun and share our lives turn into a popularity contest?

So I am going to be the unpopular one, maybe have no comments, and with a little hope continue to rise above it all and continue to write whatever is going on in this interesting head of mine. It may be boring, it may not interest you one little bit, however there might be a day where I strike something in your mind and it makes you think, it makes you cry, laugh or even cringe. Either way, it shouldn't matter how cool or uncool I am. It isn't about being the popular kid. It is about sharing some hope and insight into a ladies life that has survived a childhood no one should have encountered. 

Here is an insight of the past week and a bit…. 

I have been too scared to come here and share what I am feeling, as I don't want to be the down chick. I want to be the one that is punching the sky with my fist, and you are shouting, 'hooray!' from behind your computer screen….. I am sticking strictly to a routine. To step out of my boundaries puts me in the range of feeling scared and vulnerable. {Not cool to feel that}. It is survival mode for me. In between these feelings we have rocked some fun. A lot of fun! And I am still a fantastic mum. 

In order to cope with the demons in my head I have been suffering badly with the bulimia. But today I didn't. Today is a good day, with the bad before the good. Today I found out that I have 5 cavities in my molars. {Yes, that is enough to make anyone vomit, but today it was a slap in the face}. Instantly I blamed myself. I could feel the tears well up, but I had to suck them back. I desperately wanted to tell my dentist that it was my fault. I had been suffering with vomiting due to struggling from the past. {She knows this from my first few visits, as I told her I struggled with an eating disorder…. damn I still am}. Tonight I heard these words…. 

'This is not your fault, you know it isn't'

I know I am doing it. I am the one physically doing it. But he is right. All of this is a coping mechanism from the past. And I am not to blame. Soon I will smile huge, with no holes in my teeth, and they will be perfect. It will be my perfect little life, that I can show in images.

I wonder how many likes I will get!