depression :: the backseat driver

Yesterday my emotions took a backseat, and the head was in the drivers seat. Well it was for a slight moment, and just enough time to relieve the pressure on my chest. Too many panic attacks in the past week as the anxiety is heightened by the smallest of curve balls. I learnt a lot in only one hour. It is a very different approach to looking at ones life and analysing the whys, instead of driving the whole hour by my emotions. I have a feeling in the coming months I am going to learn a lot about myself, maybe even figure out who I am without the sexual assault. It could all be a new life blossoming underneath me, under the layers of the pain in this chest. I always thought it would be part of me for the rest of my life. It will be, but on a whole new level of knowledge and acceptance.

Today started off a good day. I guess I am apprehensive now as I know how quickly I can be pumping through my day and then the day pumping down on me. I am however pretty proud of 3 full days of not punishing myself. Today I did, and I have no idea why. The day was a good day, turned not so good. Or do you still call those days good? 

I am still smiling, not as many tears, and the chest has given me some relief today. I have two of the most amazing beautiful children and every day I am grateful for being their mumma. I hold it together so well for them, and at the same time I am letting it all out. It is time to be strong for them in a whole new way. Their mum is going to come out of this pain and maybe one day they will know that they held my hands each step of the way.



I am also grateful for the support from you; here, phone messages, and emails.