My lunch break today was in the dentist chair. A cyst was found growing on my bone. It was removed in the chair, along with a lot of bone. A bone graft was done, and I was stitched up. Tears streamed down my cheeks, as I was told that the cyst is from the years of bulimia.
This week I spoke about my abuse a little with my counsellor. It brought up a lot, and answered a lot of questions I have had for myself, in a few different aspects. I don't forgive myself for the abuse. I completely blame myself. See, even my words are wrong, I have just written, I don't forgive myself for the abuse. What am I forgiving myself for?
I just wish this part of my life would go away. But now I have to deal with it head on, as I work on fixing the smile ruined from a coping mechanism of self abuse; bulimia.
The positive out of this will be a big, perfect and white smile. Although the negative is that to cope with another trauma in my life I reverted back to an old coping mechanism. Three times last week I hurt myself with self blame. This week I woke up and changed my way of thinking. I now need to look after myself to survive. To be strong to support my children. I am seeing my counsellor, who has been helping me with a trauma I faced back in April. Now we are going backwards. Back to the past where this little girl inside me does not forgive herself for abuse after abuse, after abuse. She believes she did wrong.
Why have I left this tiny part of this little girl behind?
This afternoon I am eating soup. I sure hope that there is no other major dental work to be done, as I may need to eat soup for the rest of my life.
I wish I could stop other young girls and boys from getting eating disorders. Hopefully one day I can stand tall, with a big smile, knowing that I beat bulimia, and I survived child abuse. Both of which I thought I had already done.
I thought I was an inspiration to some. And now I have let myself, my children, and others down. I respect, and understand we all go a little down hill at times. The thing is, I have a race in 4 weeks, and the running has already been affected for things out of my own control. I will not let this go. I have had a slip up. A little spiral. I have come undone. But not too much to not fix it. I am rather embarrassed, and some might say, why come here and share this with anyone that chooses to read this blog? I do it, because I believe I am not the only one that has "moments" in life, where others may judge. I do it, because I believe there are other people dealing with traumas in their lives through eating disorders. I also do it in the hope that my own words that I write straight from my heart will make me stronger, a better person, and above all, a better mum for my little people.