Tuesday, June 5, 2012

I left a little girl behind

My lunch break today was in the dentist chair. A cyst was found growing on my bone. It was removed in the chair, along with a lot of bone. A bone graft was done, and I was stitched up. Tears streamed down my cheeks, as I was told that the cyst is from the years of bulimia.

This week I spoke about my abuse a little with my counsellor. It brought up a lot, and answered a lot of questions I have had for myself, in a few different aspects. I don't forgive myself for the abuse. I completely blame myself. See, even my words are wrong, I have just written, I don't forgive myself for the abuse. What am I forgiving myself for? 

I just wish this part of my life would go away. But now I have to deal with it head on, as I work on fixing the smile ruined from a coping mechanism of self abuse; bulimia.

The positive out of this will be a big, perfect and white smile. Although the negative is that to cope with another trauma in my life I reverted back to an old coping mechanism. Three times last week I hurt myself with self blame. This week I woke up and changed my way of thinking. I now need to look after myself to survive. To be strong to support my children. I am seeing my counsellor, who has been helping me with a trauma I faced back in April. Now we are going backwards. Back to the past where this little girl inside me does not forgive herself for abuse after abuse, after abuse. She believes she did wrong. 

Why have I left this tiny part of this little girl behind?

This afternoon I am eating soup. I sure hope that there is no other major dental work to be done, as I may need to eat soup for the rest of my life.

I wish I could stop other young girls and boys from getting eating disorders. Hopefully one day I can stand tall, with a big smile, knowing that I beat bulimia, and I survived child abuse. Both of which I thought I had already done.

I thought I was an inspiration to some. And now I have let myself, my children, and others down. I respect, and understand we all go a little down hill at times. The thing is, I have a race in 4 weeks, and the running has already been affected for things out of my own control. I will not let this go. I have had a slip up. A little spiral. I have come undone. But not too much to not fix it. I am rather embarrassed, and some might say, why come here and share this with anyone that chooses to read this blog? I do it, because I believe I am not the only one that has "moments" in life, where others may judge. I do it, because I believe there are other people dealing with traumas in their lives through eating disorders. I also do it in the hope that my own words that I write straight from my heart will make me stronger, a better person, and above all, a better mum for my little people. 


  1. You certainly have NOT let yourself down. You have faced up to it, looked for help, accepted help. And you're sharing it with others here to also help them. You'll pick yourself up again. We're all allowed a slip up here & there - you are human after all!


    PS. I hope that your jaw/mouth doesn't hurt to much!

  2. I hope your mouth and teeth are OK too Hayley. You are very brave and honest.

  3. you haven't let yourself, your littles or anyone else down. still amazed at your courage. x

  4. Ditto what the other ladies say, and all of us can't be wrong ;) You seem very courageous to me.


    (yes, i was shouting). I mean it.

    You are just finding ways to be that super strong courageous woman that I have seen you be. Keep that head high, Hayley. There is NO SHAME. Sometimes its hard to tackle the big things in life. Those deeper darker pushed-down-hidden-inside ones. But you are doing it. You are facing them! Go you!

    Go easy on yourself Hayley. It will take time. But you can do it. I KNOW you can. We all do. xxx


  6. Oh hayley, go back, find that little girl & tell her some horrible times are ahead but none of them are her fault. None. Wish I could invite you over for a cuppa & a hug. We are all weak & strong. It's called being human. Please don't be so hard on yourself. We all suck. We all rock! Big hugs! x

  7. I am dealing with some things - not an eating disorder but another self harm coping mechanism and you are an inspiration to me xxx

  8. i'm also going through my own abuse issues and trying to find the love within myself. every word you share helps me to see I am not alone, and that helps me find the strength to get back up off the ground, dust myself off. tomorrow is another day but I trust I have the strength to keep going, just as you have many more races to run in this life. thank you Hayley xo Belinda

  9. Hayley I read you blog and am constantly amazed at how you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and do more than just get on with it - you kick butt!
    Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to love you as much as you love your gorgeous children...you deserve that so much

  10. I really think you are a very brave woman. I love reading your blog and I can really relate to what you write. It takes guts to put something like abuse, bulimia and depression out into a public forum and be open to whatever people might say about it. You are an amazing person to be raising two kids, running your own business and look after yourself. I think it's so easy to put everyone and everything else before ourselves. You go girl!

  11. You are such a strong woman Hayley. You face your problems and share them on your blog and help other people. You are the best mommy and role model to your little ones. I'm sorry you have been dealing with this and I hope you can fight hard. Your #coolkids need you!!! #rockon.

    Your friend Claire (kawaiigirl79) xxx

  12. You are a very powerful writer, Hayley. You feel things deeply and communicate them so well.

    You cannot erase the past, you can't change it, you can't even relive it, although sometimes it feels like reliving the past is all that we do. I think the blame you feel was / is you trying to wish away something that was completely, totally and utterly out of your control. Blame is somehow so much easier to deal with than the helplessness of being powerless. Bulimia helps you feel like you have some if that power back, so in a funny way it takes away the blame too.

    That's my 2c psych analysis for you.

  13. PS - And what I really want to say is how much I admire your courage and your self-awareness. x

  14. Hayley - you are so honest and brave. I really admire your courage and your fighting spirit. Your kids are lucky to have such an inspiring mama.



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