Sunday, December 5, 2010

the search ends.

I miss my mum. It is a hard time of the year for me, and I am doing one thing to feel close to her. I walk. I walk from one end of the beach to the other, and up to the top of the headland.

Mum and I used to walk for miles on every beach we stepped foot on. I loved that time with my mum. I walked with her when all the other children around me would be playing in the water and building sandcastles. We would leave my brother and sister behind, and walk. I think we have walked every beach on the south coast of Australia, and several times back and forth.

I feel so close to her once I get to the other end and up the top. I can see for miles into the sea I scattered her ashes in. I don't stay for long. I cannot bring myself to let too many tears fall.

This time last year I was contemplating finding my biological father, and I had not long been in contact with my biological mum again. This year I have come to a decision. I have decided I have a mum. She may not be here the way I need her to be, but I have her. I never had a father. I never will have a father. My mum filled that role too, and she was awesome at wearing the pants. I will keep the letter I wrote to my biological father. I will never send it.

I will not be posting any more blog posts to do with my search for my biological father, or my life as an adopted person. I am me, and I am me because of my mum, biological or not. Blood is not thicker than water, and that is a very valuable lesson I have learnt. I will remain true to my mum, and true to my own heart.

My mum rocks!

If I can be half a mum that she was to me, to my little people, then I am going to rock too.


  1. Tears! Bless you, your mum and your little people xxx

  2. your mom was - and still is - an amazing and inspiring woman we can all look up to!

  3. Sounds to me like you rock already!!

  4. i'm sure your mum would tell you that you're already a more than wonderful mum to your little ones. i think it's beautiful that you feel close to your mum whenever you're at the beach. x captn

  5. i am so pleased for you that you seem to have found peace with the situation. I love that the beach will always be a special place for you, Hayley. You should be so so proud of yourself for how strong you are, and I am sure that your mum is so proud of you too x

  6. Dear Hayley, I'm thinking of you. This must be a really hard time, and I hope you can draw strength from your unbounding love and awesome relationship with your Mum. She sounds like an incredible woman and she lives on.

    And like Captain KK said, you are already a fabulous, inspiring, wonderful woman. Believe it babe - look in the mirror and know that you are AMAZING and all sorts of awesome.

    Big love. x

    PS - let's fish 'n' chips soon?

  7. You do rock. Your mum sounds like an amazing woman and she would be pretty damn pleased with herself for bringing up an equally awesome woman. Not to mention proud of you for getting to where you are despite all the shit. You`re so, so inspiring, honest, intelligent, creative, caring, selfless and brave. Not to mention beautiful and funny. All the best qualities a mother could ever have. You`d better believe it.



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