MUM!....... yes

Today was yes day for my little guy. The answer to everything he asked me for was a big fat YES. I love this game. A game passed on to me from a friend. This day is easy. The easiest parenting day. It may not show them right from wrong, but it is only for one day, and I believe you cannot have more than one of these days a month. I think they would catch on, and you would be fooled into buying some big gifts, and allowing them to do things they truly should not be doing.

My little guy told me that I was the best mummy in the world last night, and that he loves me to the moon and back. That was enough for me to give him a yes day.

taj: "mumma, can I have a mallow?"

me: "yes Taj."

taj: "mumma, can I go to the park?"

me: "yes, Taj."

taj: "mumma, can I have a waffle?"

me: "yes, Taj."

taj: "mumma, can I buy this car?"

me: "yes Taj."

taj: "oh mumma, thank you!"

And for the record little guy, you cannot buy the car with no money.... I love how they ask if they can buy the toys!

I felt like the worst mum the other week, and all it took was for Taj to tell me that I was the best mum in the world. I feel a whole lot better, and yes, I am the best mum in the world for my little people.

Say yes for a day. It is fun! And good luck....

Keely's turn will be sometime during the school holidays. I am really looking forward to having some precious time with my girl. She will rock the holidays at home with me, and one day I will say YES for the whole day.

our magical little christmas tree

Oh Christmas tree, oh christmas tree..... oh here come the jingle bells! There is a part of me that wants to hide in a dark cupboard and cry at the thought of the Christmas season. That part of me is VERY TEENY.

That part of Hayley stood staring at the toys for half an hour, almost vomiting, and wanting to just cry. And ask every other mother strolling up the endless toy aisles, what they were going to buy their little people. That very teeny me bought nothing, and came home with my tail in between my legs. Online shopping rocks. And of course having your own online store is very convenient, and very last minute.

The massive part of Hayley loves this silly season. I love the setting up of the Christmas tree with my little people. This is something I always loved doing with my mum. It was a big thing. We always set it up on the first day in December, and took it down before New Years Eve. Mum had decorations that were from when we were little, and some really cool dodgy ones. I loved the tacky tinsel she had, and the flashing lights. I loved the wreath she hung on the door, and the santa stockings that she bought from the two dollar shop. I loved the full baked Christmas lunch, with a hint of cold seafood. I loved sitting and watching new release movies in between the eating, talking, laughing, and playing with our new toys. I loved watching the cricket with mum on boxing day. I hate cricket. But I loved that time with my mum.

The best part about Christmas is that I get to create all loves for my little people. This year will be a little different, and even though I won't have them the whole day, I will still be able to give them a touch of the Christmas my mum gave me.

Our tree is not real, and it does not have the fun tacky tinsel, or the flashing lights, but it has our things. Our little things. Decorations that the little people have chosen, and a new one is added every year. We may not be having a cooked lunch together this Christmas, but we will be having a special breakfast. We may not watch a new release movie, but we will be walking down to the beach for a morning swim.

Christmas to me is about creating memories, and giving my little people what my mum always gave me; a piece of magic.

There just won't be any magic in the toy aisles for me this Christmas. I am not returning to the mall! But we have artificial snow, and Christmas babushka dolls.

raising them

You cannot believe everything you hear. People tell lies, and people can stretch a story for it to sound better. I know we all have a good go at making a story sound cooler than what it originally was. Taj is the king at it. Seriously this little guy has the best imagination, and his stories blow me away. Of course his sister is not afraid of telling me that he is fibbing! Is it bad that I just let the little guy go on with his stories?

With all the changes happening around here there are a few stories being told. We all know now that Keely hates me, which actually turned in to just not liking me yesterday, to loving me today. It is nice to know I am moving on up in the world. I have no doubt that there will be more rollercoaster rides with having a little girl. I just didn't realise the "H" word would come out at such a young age.

I know why she is on a ride right now, and why she is putting me on that same ride with her. It is because things are different for her, as they are for all of us. I know it is hard for my little girl, and I see it in her, and the way she tests me. I am firmly standing on my two feet, and I can tell you, it is hard. There are times when I know it would be easier to cave in, but I suck it up, and cop that almost 6 year old tantrum. Oh they are good. Not like a 3 year old tantrum. Trust me the "F" word is a word that goes over and over in my head whilst she pushes every single button on my body! Keely is good at finding buttons I didn't even know I had.

Thank you for all of your support with this change in our little life. It is something I do not really know how to approach. Sometimes I hear things that break my heart, and then there are things I hear, and I want to pull out those rock on fingers. But I suck it all up, and I just do what is coming naturally, and that is to just solely be their mum. I will make mistakes, and I will learn from them, as they will too. And I will have the hope that I will raise two beautiful little people.

I see it in their eyes. I see it in their smiles. I hear it in their giggles...... One day at a time. They are beautiful.

Rock your weekend! We are going to have an ace one.... already baked today. Mum is back rockin' the mother of the year status! {For today anyway, tomorrow is a new day with a whole new bunch of buttons}...

covering up the dating scene

Strike a pose, there is nothing to it. There is nothing to it when you wear a top as a dress. Ok, so that might be a bit cruel, but come on. Can you call it fashion to wear a dress that tucks just under your bootie? Maybe I am getting too old. Or maybe fashion is for losers. I would personally not call that fashion. And maybe I will cop some slack on this post. But I know the slack will only be from the 20 somethings that have those hot little bodies wearing those tight tops.

I was out on the town last weekend with a girlfriend. When I say out, I mean a couple of wines, a yummy dinner, some perving, and a little boogie on the dance floor. If we make it beyond midnight it is a miracle, and this time we did. Home in bed at 1:30am, and proud. I was the driver, so no hangover. Just tiredness.

Thinking about the whole dating scene and looking around at my competition I was very much overdressed. I obviously needed to have my pins out, and to be showing a bit more of my bootie. I didn't pick up. But I must say, I am more into spending time with my awesome friends, rather than picking up. That knight will come in time. For now I can play Carrie and write a whole book on dating, or not dating!

I sure hope the fashion changes before my daughter reaches her teens. I have a fear that it will get a whole lot worse. No Bratts dolls in this house. We have Barbie dolls with longer dresses, and if they are short, than Barbie rocks tights underneath.

Looks like madonna is coming back into fashion. I wonder when we will start rocking pointy bras as tops? At least Keely's Barbie dolls have the boobs for those bras.

the rock of love

Can you feel it? I heard Michael Jackson ask me that question. I was running at the time, and my answer to his question was, 'rock on!'

Today was an exceptionally hard day. I was on the rock. The rock bottom rock. That rock that is only temporary. The same rock you can see yourself dancing on, after you have had your rocking in the corner, and you have sucked it up.

I was told by my almost 6 year old that she hates me. That she does not like her dad's new girlfriend, and she does not want to go to his house. She wanted to stay with me, and that was after she told me she hated me. There is a lot of love in that hate. Although it still hurt. And I have no doubt it won't be the last time she says those words to me.

Thank you for the comments on my last post. I am rocking in a few areas of my life, (the good rocking), and I am trying to stand up, and start to dance again.

Tomorrow is a whole new day, and even if it sucks I have no doubt I will learn more. Those bruises on me from the kicking while I am down will fade, and I will get that groove back.

I wish I could write a manual on single parenting, and parenting alone. And do not get me started on the dating thing. That I do not get. I am waiting for that man on the white horse now. All you can do is try in parenting, be myself, and have a whole lot of hope.

What worries me, will master me.

{thanks to my coach, I am going to use that to help me run smarter, and to also stand up and start dancing..... can you feel it}.

*I know I have shared the image above of my little people before, but right now I need it there. They mean more than anything to me. They are the two little people that make up this little family of three.

the naked truth parenting

What do you do when it becomes too hard. Do you rock in the corner. Cry. Scream. Find the nearest wall, and start bashing your head. Or do you withdraw and hope that this hard part of parenting will pass?

Why do mothers rock in that corner on their own? Wouldn't it be nicer to have a friend or someone that cares pick you up, and help you stand on those two feet.

Easy to say. But when you are that person in the corner rocking, or wanting to walk out that door, you don't speak up.

Why?

Is this judgement of parenting; just because you stand up and say this is hard, you are less the mum that you know you are?

I am not coping. I am exhausted. I have had to have more blood tests. More iron injected into my body. I can't yell anymore. I just cry. I sob. I have an almost 6 year old rubbing my back telling me that it will be ok. And the thing is, it will be ok again.

This is parenting. I believe we should be able to say how proud we are of our children, how we rocked the mother of the year for the day, and then on the other hand be able to say that the day was hard. That right now you are not coping. You are the woman in the corner. You are the woman that can no longer yell, because it takes less energy to cry.

Parenting is hard, rewarding and something I love. There is no way I could walk out that door on my little people, and there is no way I will sit here and cry in the corner on my own, even if it is my almost 6 year old sitting in the corner crying with me.

But the naked truth is, I wanted to walk out the door. I wanted to bash my head against the wall. Instead I cried with my daughter, and wrote this blog post.

the grape

me: "Taj, can you come here. Quickly, the lady is waiting, and we need to pay for your pear."

taj: "hang on mum!"

I can see him. Clearly see what he is doing. His little hand reaching up as far as he can stretch it, and standing big on those saltwater sandal toes.

me: "Taj, did you just eat that grape?!!".....

Do I really need to answer the question for you. Nice one.

I have done that too. I still do. I used to love the fruit and vegetable markets as a little person, even as a big person. All that free sampling. If the Growers did free sampling Taj would never leave.

I love summer. I love my little people, and the spunk Taj has.

the running drop shot

My mum was never a runner, she preferred squash. Mum could hit that little black ball with sheer force, and she was the drop shot queen. Or more like the pain in the butt to her fellow players. She had this way about her when it came to sport. Mum rocked at the things she loved doing.

However she would not dream of running. Today she ran with me. For the first time I took her with me.

This might sound random to some of you, and maybe all of you. When my coach told me to take her with me on my runs, I was a little taken back. It made me cry, naturally. Today I needed her.

When I run I play with my mind. Sometimes I am in complete meditation. No thinking. No mind games. Just running. Just me and those legs. When I am not in a runner's meditation I am thinking about life; everything really. Trying to work through my life list.

I now have two lists. One list is the things I can control, and the other list is the things I cannot control. Last night, 20 minutes after pressing publish to my awesome, "hello" day, I broke one of mum's wine glasses. The set of six was no longer. I didn't cry. I just sat in the middle of shattered glass for an hour. If my day had been different I would have been a mess. But instead I sat there.

I sucked it up, and thought about my mum's set of five wine glasses. I had new memories of mum; going to the shops with one glass to try and match the five to make it a set of six. We never could match them. Sometimes the five would turn to four, and mum had a set again. A new set.

There are things I cannot control in life. There are things I need to roll with, and let go of. I cannot control the fact I broke the glass. I cannot control the fact I lost my mum. I cannot blame myself. I could not control the fact she was really sick.

I can control my mind when it comes to running. Today I took mum with me, not all the way. I picked her up along the way. A butterfly flicked above my forehead as I ran down the dirt track, the ocean was in front of me, lizards were at my feet at every turn, {quietly freaking me out}, the bush was on each side of me, and my mum was there keeping my head strong.

I love running. I love my mum. And she will have to learn to love running. She needs to teach me some of those drop shots*.

*I am not too sure what a running drop shot is. I am hoping that my strong mind will teach me!

hello

Today was amazing. Hello summer. Hello sunshine. Hello happy people everywhere.

There is something about giving someone a bit of sunshine to their day. They instantly become happy. Every little detail in their lives becomes less significant when that sun is shining.

I was shining. My little people were shining. And I hope you were too.

It is still 35 degrees, and it is 8:15pm in Sydney. Love it. No complaints here.

{My day also rocked as I finally posted off some huge paperwork. I don't do paperwork. I don't like it}....

hello sunset. ace day.

eating that pickle

I am now eating the pickle. I am sucking it up. I am getting rid of the guilt, and eating the pickle. Taj is going to be rocking another day in care.

Thank you for your comments on this hard subject. I have thought about it all weekend, and I realise it is time to give myself more time on the businesses, and build more of a future for my little people. Taj loves kindy. And there is no denying that. He has a lot of friends, and one in particular that he cannot stop talking about, Harley. They rock their days together, and I cannot think of a better little person for my little guy to be hanging out with when he is not with me.

Taj is batman, and Harley is Spiderman.

I am Wonder Woman to Taj, and it does not matter how many days he stands by my side, I will always be that super mum to him.

*Taj managed to rock another day of sleeping on the job. Yes he is wearing a crown in the image above, which fell around his neck.

{There is still some guilt. I have not tried to get him in another day yet, but I will. I can always change my mind.... or better still I can pick him up early for those special times with the mum that does not have to drag him around}.

the working mother has a pickle

It is all good here. Business is nuts. I am not really having time for anything else. I run, I run my business, and I run after my little people. These legs are going to be a set of machines. Well that is the plan.

I am in a pickle. Do I put my son in another day of care. Will that bring on more guilt? I am entitled to work, and for my business to support my little people. But why does it make me feel like I am letting him down. That time with him is amazing.

I could pick him up early, or drop him off late on the days that are not as busy.

He might just do what he did yesterday, and sleep in the car, sleep on me, sleep on the warehouse floor, sleep with school pickup, and then wake for an afternoon beach swim. That was a lucky day.

Taj rocked Vogue Australia for Little Pinwheel. Strike a pose little guy. They are part of the little pinwheel world. I love that.

I don't love the guilt of another day in care. He does love it. He loves his little friends, and the teachers. And the change in him is amazing since I put him in care at the beginning of the year. I love my little side kick. It does not mean I love him less....

The pickle of a working mother.

learning to skip

It is all about the dance. Not my dance, but her dance; my little girl's dance. I love seeing her dance.

I love walking with her, holding her hand, and letting her know that everything is going to be all good.

Maybe it is more that I am telling myself this as a new page is turned.

But all that matters is that her feet dance. That she wears that smile, and she never forgets how much I love her. If I can show her that she is completely safe with all of her emotions, and it is ok to be happy in front of me, or even sad in front of me, then I too can dance with her.

Parenting is one of the hardest things I will ever do in my life. It too is the most rewarding; you love like you have never loved. And you are loved like you will ever be loved.

Keely: "dance with me mumma. show me how you skip."

me: "ok!"

we skip holding hands through Manly.

Keely: "mum, look you can skip good!"

me: "yes I can, when you hold my hand."

I worry about my girl. I worry as a mother with another woman coming into her life. I worry as she has not stopped saying to me that I am her mummy. I worry as my son turns to me, and talks about his other mummy. I have no doubt this is all natural, and normal. But for me it is all new. And the only people I care about are my children. I care about their feelings. This is something I cannot control. All I can do is put my hand out, and hold theirs.

I skip good.

the grateful dance

Tomorrow I am going to dance. Tomorrow I am going to hold my mum's hand. I am going to hold it tighter than ever. Tomorrow I am going to Para Meadows school in Wollongong. Tomorrow I am going to be the most grateful I have ever been in my life. I am going to be grateful for the person I have become, and the person I know my mum hoped I would become. I am going to be grateful for giving more than an air conditioner. I am going to be grateful for the friendship I have made through the kindness of my own heart.

A random act of kindness is meant to be something you do, and expect nothing in return. You do it, and smile, knowing that you have just made someone's life awesome. You do it because you care. You do not do it to receive anything back. The letter from the Principal of the school blew me away. I never expected an email that said I was invited to a special assembly. An assembly the children are doing for me, and for other RAOK's. I never thought buying an air conditioner to help the comfort of the children would help more than the children. This helps their parents know that they will be comfortable at school. It helps them know that they know their children are learning, like every child should have the right to do. It helps them have the time they need to be a better parent for their child when they come home from school. And mostly it helps a *lady that I completely look up to, and her beautiful daughter. It also helped me.

Tomorrow I will be proud knowing that when I lost my mum 5 years ago, I took that part of her, and put it within myself. Tomorrow I will make mum prouder than she has ever been before.

I bought an air conditioner, and changed lives. That rocks.

I hold my mum's hand. I will hold it forever. {I need her more than ever right now}.

* Susan, you are an inspiration, you have made my heart dance more than you will ever know.

** the beautiful image is my girl dancing in my new dress.