the witch of halloween

This home is the house of frights. Tantrums, not listening, and a mumma that has crossed the boarder. This mum is the witch of the house.

This mum cried tonight. It was too hard to yell. I tried, but the tears rolled instead, and I sobbed. My poor little people, who were high on sugar and completely overtired, instantly stopped. All I felt was little arms around me and Keely saying, "oh my mumma."

It was not a tactic. It was not a ploy to get them into bed. But that is where they tip toed. And fell asleep.

Sometimes you just have to cry; there is no more energy left to yell.

There are times when you feel like you are bashing your head up against a wall with parenting, and your children have turned into little witches. And there are times when you try every trick in the book, and all you have left is the treat. I know there will come a day when that candle in the pumpkin will be blown out, and for now I just have to hope I have more tears, than witch screams.

Before my tears, we had the most amazing evening with friends, and the images are a perfect depiction of this.

Happy Halloween.

{I am actually really happy, but there is something inside of me that is taking away the "rock on" mum, and I cannot seem to get out of this hole. I think they call it loneliness. Or maybe it is just a stage of parenting we all go through; single or not single}?

the woman in the book

When one turns a page you see more words. You hope for a happy ending. And sometimes when you turn that page it is blank, and all you see is one side with the words, 'chapter,' and a new number.

I turned the page, and I cannot believe I saw the words, 'chapter,' again. The anxiety has risen, and I have had two days of feeling like I need to have some retail therapy. I tried that, didn't feel it, and decided to rock the hairdressers instead. Some women shop, some buy magazines, some hang with girlfriends, some eat way too much chocolate, and I get my hair done. And I walk out with my hair wet. (My choice). I clearly am not following the sad lady at the hairdressers code of conduct..... Oh and I go home, instead of going out, looking awesome, feeling awesome. I wear sweatpants, and my chucks. I turn on Sex and The City.

There are times when you need to turn that page, take a deep breath, and remember that there are things you cannot control. Letting that part go, will take you to more pages covered in words. And some are lucky to find that page with the happy ending.

I bought a reading chair to sit in. I bought this chair to remind me to stop, sit, just be, and to turn those pages in. I am happy to be there and read those words for a long time. I don't want this book to end. I know there will be more chapters, more empty pages, but a life without words, and a book that ends, is not the life I would like to live.

I have started the new chapter of single parenting.

solid gold

Work with no play is not as much fun. You add a little bit of sunshine, giggles, a few water slides, some awesome friends, a beach, and work rocks.

I took my little girl away with me for a girl's weekend to the Gold Coast. I had a work meeting yesterday and I thought why not be the cool mum, pull her out of school for a couple of days, and spend some fun times with her. I am lucky to have a beautiful friend that lives right near Burleigh Heads, and close to the fun parks. Keely chose to slide it up at Wet and Wild. I of course took over the park with my friend. I know it was about Keely, but come on, put a slide in a girl's face, and I go wild.... I have the burn mark down my spine to prove I had no fear!

Keely loved being just with me.

It was all about her, with a little bit of me.

Beautiful friendships were made.

And friendships grew.

Twenty questions were asked. Keely grew more from my answers. {She is getting big, and I love watching her become more of the daughter I could only dream she would become}.

I am proud. I am lucky. And I sure am blessed.

I love her.

I love walking with her.

And just being within the moment; her moment, our moment.

mother of the year; wearing the badge

We all strive to be her. We all want to slap that badge on our chests.* Wear it with pride. Wear the big smile, and think we are all that; mother of the year.

Oh yes, she is awesome. I am her. Did you know that I slap that badge on my chest every single day? I yell at my children sometimes. I have to walk away, close the door, and have some crying moments on my own. I say NO a lot. I bribe them with things so I can have my morning coffee, or do the shopping. I put them to bed before 7 every night, and I love it when I hear silence.

Oh yes I am awesome. I am her. I am the mother of the year. Did you know that I slap that badge on my chest every single day? I laugh with my children. I make them laugh. I play with my children. I teach them about life. They teach me about life. I walk with them. They cry, I hold them. I say YES a lot. I love it when I hear little tip toes in the morning. I love the big jump on my body, which quite often hurts. I love the giggles and smiles my little people bring me everyday.

Oh yes, you are awesome. You too are her.

What makes one mother, mother of the year, and another just a mum? I believe we all wear the badge. We are all her. How do I know this? I asked my little people, and this is what they say to me all the time.....

Taj: you are my mummy

Keely: no she is my mummy

Taj: no, my mummy

Keely: no my mummy

Taj: she is both our mummies

Yes, Taj completes the fight over me with a plural, as if I am two mums rolled into one. And I guess I am two mothers wearing the same badge; laughing, and crying.

Congratulations, you are mother of the year..... Ask your little people. Or better still, just look at the way they love you, there you will see the answer; you are her.

*Everyday without fail, I have a mother of the year moment. It can be one way or the other, and I just roll with it. One day I can be the best mum, and the next I can suck. Or even in a moment I can rock it, and the next suck at it. I guess that is parenting. We sometimes have to be mean to be kind. I don't like the mean mummy, but who does? I have a bunch of friends who play the mother of the year badge game. We pass it around, and wear it with pride.

working to dream; dreaming to run

The career. Do you have one, strive for one, or could not care less for one? Gone the day where you stayed in something for 30 odd years, and retired gracefully knowing that you had grown with a company. Although, I do know a few people that have rocked the ten years. I find that impressive.

For me the career is a dirty word. I think it has too much pressure, and kind of nails you down. Being the creative person, I am forever thinking of new things, or things to make the old things, a little bit new again. I have jumped around a little in what I want out of life. I started with food, quick to get out of it, and hit the retail floor. From there I became a manager, buyer, sales representative, and then dipped my toes in production. Got over it, as I do, and used my creative head to start my own graphic design business. Worked for an immigration law firm, putting their proposals together; making them look pretty, read some books, and scored myself a job with channel nine graphics. Then I jumped back into fashion with my own business, using my creative head to photograph, and design behind the scenes of Little Pinwheel.

So I guess with this you could say I have built a career with my business, using all of my knowledge to make something of Little, and Lady Pinwheel. If a career is something you stay in for years, whilst striving for it, and for you, to be more, then yes I have a career. If it means I am completely tied to what it is today, with no growth, and just being stuck behind a desk, then it isn't a career. (Well, I am rarely at my desk. I am out there thinking, and getting more for my business).

If you put your mind to it, you can do anything. Right?

At the end of this working week, I decided it was time to believe in myself. Time to believe that there is more for me alongside the Little and the Lady Pinwheel, and more for me alongside being a mum to my children. If someone else believes in you, is that enough to start believing in yourself?

I believe that answer is yes. I have already proved that by self studying to be a graphic designer, and working alongside university degree work colleagues. My mum believed in me to be that person. And I became that.

I kind of have big dreams. But I guess we all do to some respect. And dreams do come true (?). You just need to believe in them, and you. That is the hard part, and the mind game I am playing.

This lady has decided to rock the dance floor with her runners. I have a new dream; a running career. Nothing happens unless first we dream*.

*not my fortune, but a fortune seen today, and borrowed. {thank you lovely}! it took away my fear of publishing this post.

to take a bow in acceptance

When someone pats you on the back, and says well done. Do you slap them a high five, and say, "rock on!" {Well, you might say, "thank you"}. Or do you bow your head, and kind of accept the pat, and quickly change the subject?

How does one accept the fact they are rockin' it in life, without coming across as the crazy happy person, that everyone loves to hate?

Ok, well I am not talking completely about me, this is more in general. I am happy, but I am not always rockin' it in life. I think for someone to rock everyday would be a little random. I think you would be missing out on the normality of life. I actually think I have at least one element of chaos in my day, and a lot of the time that involves me being mother of the year. {Please tell me, you are hearing the sarcasm, as I am far from the top dog of mothers}.

I "have" to have two coffees a day. They have a double shot in each. One coffee for each child. I have requirements to get me through each day, and sometimes, ok let's be honest, most of the time, the requirements don't help at all. But I do manage to suck up all those awesome things that have happened in my day. Things I have made happen, my little people have done, strangers have done, and my ace friends have done, or said. It can be as simple as a stranger smiling at you, or a regular person you see in your routine, that happens to buy you a sneaky coffee, just because you are you.

The small things that are awesome in each day, I take. The pats on the back, I personally don't know how to take. Maybe one day I will, and maybe I won't. I am a person that is hard on myself. I am always pushing for more. I think that this attribute, or bad part of me, will be the thing that will see me succeed in aspects of my life. It may not make me mother of the year, or an athlete that competes in the olympics, but I will try with my two coffees to rock it my way.

I will hold my head up, long enough to say the words, "rock on!" And know this does not make me that crazy happy person you all love to hate.

Now I bow my head, and I look forward to those two coffees in the morning.

happy 3 rocker fingers taj

There is a big little guy sleeping, who is going to wake up tomorrow all big. No more two rock on fingers to show his age. It is time for the three finger rockstar to show his age.

Happy 3rd birthday to my little big guy. He is full of spunk, in touch with his feminine side with his emotions, and loves his mumma to bits. He is going to rock his life.

No party tomorrow. Just a whole lot of whatever he wants, and in 2 weeks, when I can function again after school holidays, I will throw a little rockers party for my rockstar. Keely has organised all of his pressies, and drawn lots of pictures for her brother.

Enjoy your weekend, ours is going to rock with three rocker fingers.

running saved my life

I have things growing in my fridge. Yes, I am that awesome person that leaves stuff and things in the fridge, forgets about them, and then freaks out when I see things growing on the stuff. I am that awesome person that leaves it in there, pushes something in front of it, and forgets about the stuff a little bit more. Just long enough for the stuff to have the things, and for me to completely freak, and throw the whole container away.

All things have a used by date. I believe that as we enter new phases, or as I like to say, chapters, in our lives we start to have our own stuff growing on the things.

Confusing you yet?

I have found my whole life has made this complete change. I think it is this freaking awesome feeling of happiness I have, and knowing a little of where I want to go with it. I have dreams, and aspirations, as we all do. I am living some of those dreams, and aspiring to make these dreams a whole lot better.

This blog was my space to let it all out. It was a way I got through different parts of my life. I used written words to help me through my abuse, the loss of my mum, and the loss of my marriage. In the background, through all of this, I was pounding the pavement, and running. I have been a runner for myself from the moment I realised that I was being abused by my father. This was my way of dealing with it, processing it, and punishing myself. I would excessively run. I was also suffering from the eating disorder at the same time. It really was a dark time in my late teenage life. But, it saved my life.

Running saved my life.

I continued to run on and off. When I lost mum, I used the written word to survive. I found the writing was not enough, so the pounding started again. More and more, I would run.

Running saved my life.

Now, with all the changes, with my own personal growth. With the loss of every one of my family members, and gaining a whole lot more family through friends, and of course my little people, I started to run for more. Running became more than a life saver. It became my feeling of freedom. It has become a feeling of flight. I have always wanted to fly. Spread those wings, and fly to freedom.

Now, I fly. No longer are the words saving me. No longer do they need to save me. I run for a whole lot more. I don't need saving. I am free.

I will continue to blog, but the posts might be further apart. The words that I used to type have started to grow stuff and things, and reached their used by date. Time to throw the whole container out. And write a whole new chapter.

I cannot wait to believe in myself a whole lot more. To make something of those legs that are working hard for the next race. This is the beginning for me. At 34 I have found my thing. {My mum used to say to me a lot, it was never too late to be somebody. You just had to believe in yourself..... now I need to believe I can fly when I run}.

Welcome to a whole new chapter of stuff and things. The new growth.