the grape

me: "Taj, can you come here. Quickly, the lady is waiting, and we need to pay for your pear."

taj: "hang on mum!"

I can see him. Clearly see what he is doing. His little hand reaching up as far as he can stretch it, and standing big on those saltwater sandal toes.

me: "Taj, did you just eat that grape?!!".....

Do I really need to answer the question for you. Nice one.

I have done that too. I still do. I used to love the fruit and vegetable markets as a little person, even as a big person. All that free sampling. If the Growers did free sampling Taj would never leave.

I love summer. I love my little people, and the spunk Taj has.

the running drop shot

My mum was never a runner, she preferred squash. Mum could hit that little black ball with sheer force, and she was the drop shot queen. Or more like the pain in the butt to her fellow players. She had this way about her when it came to sport. Mum rocked at the things she loved doing.

However she would not dream of running. Today she ran with me. For the first time I took her with me.

This might sound random to some of you, and maybe all of you. When my coach told me to take her with me on my runs, I was a little taken back. It made me cry, naturally. Today I needed her.

When I run I play with my mind. Sometimes I am in complete meditation. No thinking. No mind games. Just running. Just me and those legs. When I am not in a runner's meditation I am thinking about life; everything really. Trying to work through my life list.

I now have two lists. One list is the things I can control, and the other list is the things I cannot control. Last night, 20 minutes after pressing publish to my awesome, "hello" day, I broke one of mum's wine glasses. The set of six was no longer. I didn't cry. I just sat in the middle of shattered glass for an hour. If my day had been different I would have been a mess. But instead I sat there.

I sucked it up, and thought about my mum's set of five wine glasses. I had new memories of mum; going to the shops with one glass to try and match the five to make it a set of six. We never could match them. Sometimes the five would turn to four, and mum had a set again. A new set.

There are things I cannot control in life. There are things I need to roll with, and let go of. I cannot control the fact I broke the glass. I cannot control the fact I lost my mum. I cannot blame myself. I could not control the fact she was really sick.

I can control my mind when it comes to running. Today I took mum with me, not all the way. I picked her up along the way. A butterfly flicked above my forehead as I ran down the dirt track, the ocean was in front of me, lizards were at my feet at every turn, {quietly freaking me out}, the bush was on each side of me, and my mum was there keeping my head strong.

I love running. I love my mum. And she will have to learn to love running. She needs to teach me some of those drop shots*.

*I am not too sure what a running drop shot is. I am hoping that my strong mind will teach me!

hello

Today was amazing. Hello summer. Hello sunshine. Hello happy people everywhere.

There is something about giving someone a bit of sunshine to their day. They instantly become happy. Every little detail in their lives becomes less significant when that sun is shining.

I was shining. My little people were shining. And I hope you were too.

It is still 35 degrees, and it is 8:15pm in Sydney. Love it. No complaints here.

{My day also rocked as I finally posted off some huge paperwork. I don't do paperwork. I don't like it}....

hello sunset. ace day.

eating that pickle

I am now eating the pickle. I am sucking it up. I am getting rid of the guilt, and eating the pickle. Taj is going to be rocking another day in care.

Thank you for your comments on this hard subject. I have thought about it all weekend, and I realise it is time to give myself more time on the businesses, and build more of a future for my little people. Taj loves kindy. And there is no denying that. He has a lot of friends, and one in particular that he cannot stop talking about, Harley. They rock their days together, and I cannot think of a better little person for my little guy to be hanging out with when he is not with me.

Taj is batman, and Harley is Spiderman.

I am Wonder Woman to Taj, and it does not matter how many days he stands by my side, I will always be that super mum to him.

*Taj managed to rock another day of sleeping on the job. Yes he is wearing a crown in the image above, which fell around his neck.

{There is still some guilt. I have not tried to get him in another day yet, but I will. I can always change my mind.... or better still I can pick him up early for those special times with the mum that does not have to drag him around}.

the working mother has a pickle

It is all good here. Business is nuts. I am not really having time for anything else. I run, I run my business, and I run after my little people. These legs are going to be a set of machines. Well that is the plan.

I am in a pickle. Do I put my son in another day of care. Will that bring on more guilt? I am entitled to work, and for my business to support my little people. But why does it make me feel like I am letting him down. That time with him is amazing.

I could pick him up early, or drop him off late on the days that are not as busy.

He might just do what he did yesterday, and sleep in the car, sleep on me, sleep on the warehouse floor, sleep with school pickup, and then wake for an afternoon beach swim. That was a lucky day.

Taj rocked Vogue Australia for Little Pinwheel. Strike a pose little guy. They are part of the little pinwheel world. I love that.

I don't love the guilt of another day in care. He does love it. He loves his little friends, and the teachers. And the change in him is amazing since I put him in care at the beginning of the year. I love my little side kick. It does not mean I love him less....

The pickle of a working mother.

learning to skip

It is all about the dance. Not my dance, but her dance; my little girl's dance. I love seeing her dance.

I love walking with her, holding her hand, and letting her know that everything is going to be all good.

Maybe it is more that I am telling myself this as a new page is turned.

But all that matters is that her feet dance. That she wears that smile, and she never forgets how much I love her. If I can show her that she is completely safe with all of her emotions, and it is ok to be happy in front of me, or even sad in front of me, then I too can dance with her.

Parenting is one of the hardest things I will ever do in my life. It too is the most rewarding; you love like you have never loved. And you are loved like you will ever be loved.

Keely: "dance with me mumma. show me how you skip."

me: "ok!"

we skip holding hands through Manly.

Keely: "mum, look you can skip good!"

me: "yes I can, when you hold my hand."

I worry about my girl. I worry as a mother with another woman coming into her life. I worry as she has not stopped saying to me that I am her mummy. I worry as my son turns to me, and talks about his other mummy. I have no doubt this is all natural, and normal. But for me it is all new. And the only people I care about are my children. I care about their feelings. This is something I cannot control. All I can do is put my hand out, and hold theirs.

I skip good.

the grateful dance

Tomorrow I am going to dance. Tomorrow I am going to hold my mum's hand. I am going to hold it tighter than ever. Tomorrow I am going to Para Meadows school in Wollongong. Tomorrow I am going to be the most grateful I have ever been in my life. I am going to be grateful for the person I have become, and the person I know my mum hoped I would become. I am going to be grateful for giving more than an air conditioner. I am going to be grateful for the friendship I have made through the kindness of my own heart.

A random act of kindness is meant to be something you do, and expect nothing in return. You do it, and smile, knowing that you have just made someone's life awesome. You do it because you care. You do not do it to receive anything back. The letter from the Principal of the school blew me away. I never expected an email that said I was invited to a special assembly. An assembly the children are doing for me, and for other RAOK's. I never thought buying an air conditioner to help the comfort of the children would help more than the children. This helps their parents know that they will be comfortable at school. It helps them know that they know their children are learning, like every child should have the right to do. It helps them have the time they need to be a better parent for their child when they come home from school. And mostly it helps a *lady that I completely look up to, and her beautiful daughter. It also helped me.

Tomorrow I will be proud knowing that when I lost my mum 5 years ago, I took that part of her, and put it within myself. Tomorrow I will make mum prouder than she has ever been before.

I bought an air conditioner, and changed lives. That rocks.

I hold my mum's hand. I will hold it forever. {I need her more than ever right now}.

* Susan, you are an inspiration, you have made my heart dance more than you will ever know.

** the beautiful image is my girl dancing in my new dress.