"to be love"

Sometimes I look at my children and I pinch myself. Ok, maybe it is all the time. Everyday at least I have a moment where I cannot believe that they are mine. On sunday late afternoon I had this conversation with Keely.

Keely: "mummy why are you having a shower now? Can I open the door?"

me: "Yes sure. Mummy is having a shower because I had a bit of a sad day."

Keely: "is it because you don't want to be alone?"

me: "what do you mean, alone?"

Keely: "to be love mum. You to be with someone."

me: "do you want mummy to be with someone. To have someone to love her, and mum to be in love?"

Keely: (with a cute smile, and walking out the door, after drawing love hearts on the shower door), "yes mum to be love."

I have never had the conversation with my children, or even around my children about where I stand in life with the whole love for me subject. I keep this to myself a lot. Besides sharing it here sometimes to strangers, I keep it very close to my own heart. That is a very personal part of me. To have my daughter see that part of me without any conversation over it, makes me see her personality in a completely new way. I am happy to see that my daughter is growing up with my heart. A heart she clearly wears on her sleeve.

I am happy with myself. That is my love.

rock on the the guilt

There comes a time when you have to set your little people free. You have to allow them to be without you. This day is one that breaks me a little inside. I love being that mum that is totally there for them at home each day. With one at kindy full time now the home is a little quiet, and lonely for the little one left at home.

I have no doubt I am an awesome mum. Actually I know I am. I am such a beautiful mum to my little people, and that shows with their personalities.

Taj is starting pre school, or daycare, whatever you want to call it, next week. I am a little sad. I am also a little excited. He is going as his mumma needs to make a beautiful life for him and his sister. He is going so I can be more successful in business. I feel a little guilty but I think that is very normal. I am pretty sure they call that the classic "mother's guilt." I would still feel the same if he was 3 or 4 years old. Instead he is 2 and 4 months. But sometimes we as parents need to do this for them, and for ourselves.

My little people rock, and I am now setting them free a little so I can make more steps for an awesome future.

rock on to mother's guilt!

(for the record it is only one day, and I am feeling the guilt)!

love (me) day

Right now I miss her. I can feel her though. Feel her wrapping her arms around me, and that soft squishy cheek up against mine.

That is one thing my mum had. She had the most amazing skin. Like a babies bottom. She was not a cuddly person, but when you got them, they were awesome. They took everything away, and put a whole lot back.

I am not sure what has happened to me in this process of grief, but I can completely feel her here. I can feel her wrapping her arms around me when I need them. She is inside me. She is part of who I am. This gives me strength and love that I truly did not know I could have.

My life is a little scary right now. I sleep with fear every night. But I wake up knowing that I can get through the day as she is right here walking with me. She is here to help me build a home for my children. To be successful. To be happy. And to smack me when I am being down on myself.

Tomorrow is valentines day. I didn't even know. Sad isn't it, but I didn't. (ok maybe not that sad)! It is a day that has not been celebrated for years, or even acknowledged; I acknowledged it today. I went and put an orchid in the water for my mum today. It was my way of putting love back into me. Loving the person I am, and accepting that I am me. A person that walks through life with her mum holding her together on the inside.

Love is what you make it. I make it every part of me.

Happy love day!

no fun friday

It is friday! That for me means flick friday. There is no doubt I have to get Saturday Night Fever, and watch that at the same time as doing my BAS. Not a fan of the whole paperwork side of my friday night, but these things have to be done, and I have no one to bribe.

Last weekend I was meant to be competing in the local fun run. I was unable to compete due to my doctor putting her foot down. Although I must say I have been running most days, and starting to feel somewhat normal again. I have my moments with acute asthma attacks, but nothing like I did a few weeks ago.

I watched the runners go past my street, and I wanted to run with them. It was hard to watch and not compete, but one has to look after their health a little. That sounds like I am contradicting myself as I am putting those feet on the sand every morning and doing my forest gump thing.

I love running. My doctor does not love it. She does not understand it. I understand it, and feel awesome.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend. I am hitting the dance floor, and will be learning my moves tonight, along with a rockin' John Travolta walk, to go with it!

calico and ivy

Last weekend I photographed a beautiful and quaint shop in Balmain, Calico and Ivy. I drove up and could not believe my eyes.

The big number 10, and the most gorgeous woman outside with the biggest smile waving at me. Sarah is the face behind the shop here in Sydney. There is also one in Perth, where the owner, Vanessa lives. Sarah is full of personality, and spark. She has a way with people, she is such a classy lady, and so talented behind the sewing machine.

When I walked inside I was hit with the wow factor. There were some pieces that Sarah had sewn herself, and I was begging her to make some things for Little Pinwheel... I am still begging!

I wish I could sew! Why is it that creative people wish they were awesome at all things creative?

The trip across to the other side of the bridge was awesome. Tunes were playing, and a coffee at arms reach. I could get used to Sunday road trips, especially if I get to meet people like Sarah, and discover cute shops.

I will share more images once they are in print. {Thank you Lexi x}

little pinwheel POP UP sale

rock on to awesome sales. rock on to awesome fun we are going to have on this one day on february 19. come and say hi. come and grab a bargain. located at the studio, 2 wattle st, north manly (cnr harbord rd, above aluminum warehouse), from 8am until 4pm. cash and eftpos facilities available.

slap us a high five!

I was here for the 500

Today marks 500 posts. That is 500 times I have sat here and written something about me, about things that are happening around me, or happening to someone else. My life has changed a lot in these 500 posts, and it will continue to change in every post. I believe each day we discover new things that in turn change us in someway. Well I know for me this is what happens to me. It might be as simple as talking to someone new, seeing something happen in you day that may be a little different, or it could be a full life changing event.

I have discovered that I like to write a lot when it comes to saying one thing. Something that could be said in one or two sentences is said in a whole chapter of a book. I love writing, and it has become my thing. Something that has changed me, and changed the way I look at different things. It is easy for me to put words down. But if you asked me to say it out of my mouth it can be a little harder.

Thank you for reading chapters from the book of my life.

Rock on to the 500! x