Tuesday, June 3, 2014

jumping in the shallow end

When you go and come back there is a big hole to fill in. Although if it is a true relationship, you just pick up from now and continue on like you were never apart. I am kind of hoping for a little bit of true blogging friendship with my first post back. I have hope that I won't need to explain why I am back, and why I truly left. Maybe over time it will build to be the relationship it was. All I know for now is, I need to write again, and share what it means to be the everyday me, and us. 

I have started swimming*. I started about 8 weeks ago. Swam a solid 5 weeks, and then had 3 weeks off with a chest infection. (About 1 and a half weeks of those 3 weeks, I have been completely fine, just been a chicken to get back in the pool. Come on, it is winter, and the pool is outside)! I suffer some bad anxiety and to swim in the 50m pool is out of the question. When I see the bottom getting deeper and deeper with each stroke, my chest tightens and I feel sick in the chest. I have opted for the 25m pool. The anxiety stays at bay, and if I happen to have anxiety when I arrive at the pool, it is gone within a few laps of counting my strokes as I watch the black line. In a way it is my meditative sport that running allowed me to have.

I also own a pushbike. It is a road bike and was purchased just after the new year. I purchased the bike because I was told I was unable to run until I had surgery. To go from a person that ran almost every day, to being a couch potato was out of the question. I already lost a huge chunk of myself from becoming injured from running, and I wasn't about to lose all of me. I have little people to care for, and without their mum functioning as herself, their routine would fall apart. 

In the past few months I have had to learn to love two sports that once was one. The swimming gives me that repetition, and the riding gives me the thrill and the pain in my legs when I work harder.

The blog may have disappeared for the past 2 years, however the lady that wrote it, and writes it today, has not changed. I still fight for the positive aspects of our life, and work hard at the negative things to get them out of our way. Some things are an ongoing battle, and not running has been a really hard time for me. Although, I have managed to find new things that give me super powers to rock it as a mum, and as person. 

I am grateful for not giving up.

Today I hit the pool again, and it felt awesome.

*for the record, two months ago, I struggled to get in the pool. I thought I was no swimmer. Little did I know, that I am actually a pretty good swimmer. I am not perfect with my stroke, as I breathe every fourth stroke. I am also not too sure if I actually enjoy it. Although sometimes you need to suck things up and keep going. Winter will be a true test of love for the pool! 


  1. I'm thrilled your back H! I have always loved your words, your photos and the snippets you share about yourself. I'm glad you've not given up. I can barely swim and the idea frightens me too. And as for the space between then and now, I think it's ok to not explain. It's your story lovely and your words. x

  2. Hi Hayley...so good to see you back here. As I may have said before, your blog was one of the first blogs I ever followed properly, before I even really knew what a blog was! Good for you and your super power. All mums need a bit of super power I think x

  3. Woohooo!!! Welcome back!! I've missed your writing, adventures and attitude towards life and it's challenges! Rock on - right ?!?!?!?
    Lauren x

  4. Good to see your new post pop up on my reader. Keep challenging the fear!

  5. Yay for being back, Hayley! So glad. I hope one day you share some of the journey to meeting your dad. I would love to read it. Rock on my lovely x

  6. Ace to see you are back . xx



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