whacky wednesday

Last night I bribed my children. {Some might call it parenting when treats or the television are used}. It all happened when I was not really into being the yelling mum, that only leads to me getting upset as I try harder to break up whatever is going on between the two of them. One was kicking the other, and one was poking the other. It was one of those silly sibling moments that was not going to end in a hurry and if it did, or when it did, it would end in tears, and usually from both of them. 

I am into letting them work it out between themselves. However so close to bedtime, I decided to stop the tears before bed, and suggested Keely hopped either on her bed, or her brother's bed and read him a book. 

Keely went out to our cool book collection, (the op shop finds), and pulled out 3 Dr Seuss books. She read all 3 of them. Taj sat listening, and even read his words he knew from school. 

Last night I won a battle with books. {And I will use it again, and again, and again}! In the end they also won, as they stayed up a little later than usual, and both fell asleep happy and dreaming about bears on wheels, on a whacky wednesday, and with curls and braids and beards and lashes.

Sweet dreams.

one huge leap to awareness

One foot in front of the other, one step at a time; with a little skip in between.

As the week goes on the skips will get closer together. Tomorrow the announcement is set to be made for the Ditto in a box to be placed in all NSW public primary schools. And my biggest personal achievement will be Thursday when I hand over one of the first educational boxes to my children's school.

For a few months it has been a tough ride, and hard to feel *proud of what I have achieved. I do believe the moment where that box is passed on to help over 500 students each year, in just that one school, I will feel proud in helping children to be safe, and feel safe.

I truly hope from here it opens up a lot of doors that I have held up in my head, and I can find a safe and happy path in doing a whole lot more to create more awareness across Australia, and to keep protecting my children too.

Next step, surgery, which I am ironically having in child protection week. No cycle this year.

It is the year of recovery, hope, and a few moments of skipping in between.

*I know I have helped my children, and hopefully I will help your children

kicking goals

Chores are not cool. I am not into them either, and my littles definitely aren't into them. However they are learning that when something needs to be done, you just need to get in, get your hands dirty and nail it on the head.

We even have a list of chores on the fridge so we can get out of the house in the mornings. It seems to work; sometimes it is still chaos. However that is life with little people, the chaos is part of the fun of raising children.

Keely did more than nail things on the head over the weekend. And it wasn't a chore, however it was a full day of commitment from her, with a few hours in between for some well deserved fun with her brother. Keely had her first ever gymnastics competition.

Her day started at 9:40am, hair plaited, and the way I was instructed to do it, her gymnastics outfit on underneath a warm jumper, borrowed from her brother. (It had a zip through, Keely didn't own any zip throughs. Didn't want to ruin the hair! So Keely rocked a cropped hoodie; it is the fashion apparently). 

In the car Keely sat next to me, and said, 'mum I can feel things in my tummy. I think they are butterflies!'

The butterflies left her tummy, or at least she didn't show she had them. That day Keely did more than show me her own commitment with a sport and her love for it. She taught me some valuable lessons. Yes, I am older and wiser and should know all of these things. However when you are in a bit of a hole trying to dig out again, you need all the little signs you can grab from a day, a moment, or from others. I took her guts, and woke up Monday morning with a huge step in my day.

Keely put the music in my ears with her first solo clarinet concert on the same day as her gymnastics competition.

This week, we are all on a bit of a high, and the shiny medals Keely sleeps with are a reminder that when you truly believe in yourself, you can achieve the ultimate goal. 

finding confidence

Over a year ago I started on a road in my life that was ultimately going to help others, and in my heart, change the world. I think I helped others, however my heart was wrong and I didn't change the world. Instead I think I changed me.

To open up a part of me the way I did is now having a bigger affect on me than I could have even imagined. When one is abused they have this awesome, (yes I call it awesome), ability to bury things deep inside. It is my safe place. When you open that up, you start to feel vulnerable, and in my case take everything to heart. Even simple words can go straight to the heart, and sometimes like a dagger, full of negative words. 

Not only did the inside of me change, the outside has changed with the lost ability to run and deal with these emotions, demons and memories I have resurfacing, and new nightmares that I thought I buried deep, deep inside. I have had to resort to my old coping mechanism and unfortunately that too is a form of punishment; bulimia. {I know it is not cool, and it breaks my heart that I suffer from such a horrible disease that I would hate to see either of my children suffer from. But their mum suffers because she suffered at the hands of a monster…. it isn't fair}.

All I wanted to achieve is fairness. At the same time as changing the world. Yes, black and white. Like some kind of hero in the silence of my own words. And why can't I see it all as black and white? Why does such a horrific crime only get media attention when a celebrity is involved? Or when one person decides they will pack up a bike and ride around the world. Why can't one journalist stand up, and share with the world how terrifying, horrific, and heartbreaking this crime on children is? Why does it need to be the survivor that tries so hard to share her voice, and no one can hear her beyond the red tape.

I have so many ideas, and hopes that run through my head, I don't even know where to start. I know things cannot change because I want them to. With hope I will heal along the way, and accept that being the person I am is not such a bad thing. The monster may have shaped me, changed my head to think certain ways, however he will never damage my heart and soul. I survived because I ran. The running gave me the confidence in myself that he took away. I was good at running. 

To use this personal battle I have inside, I hope that I can become confident enough in the pool and on the bike.

And believe that I can still be someone on two wheels.

*you can help by buying a Be Brave tee shirt, designed by the awesome team at Minti. Available in ladies, mens and children's sizes through littlepinwheel.com.au

the hunt for the money tree

The moment where you take yourself into your children's room to sit on their floor and cry, is not an awesome moment. I wish I could say it was because I cheated yesterday when baking with my little guy and used Betty Crocker as my chef.

Betty is good, and we all deserve a shortcut in parenting sometimes. Plus the end result is still the same. You have one happy little assistant chef enjoying a cupcake he helped create and decorate.

I am trying to get to the end result with my injured leg. Although it is not as easy as, book in surgery and get it done. I unfortunately don't have private health insurance, and the wait will be up to 18 months for the public system. Plus once you have surgery you alter your structure permanently. I have decided to take smaller steps and hope that my physio can help. Treatment starts next week to rebuild my leg into exercising with no pain. The thought of running again is a dream. I just hope it is a dream come true. 

In the meantime I am hunting for Betty Crocker money trees.  

jumping in the shallow end

When you go and come back there is a big hole to fill in. Although if it is a true relationship, you just pick up from now and continue on like you were never apart. I am kind of hoping for a little bit of true blogging friendship with my first post back. I have hope that I won't need to explain why I am back, and why I truly left. Maybe over time it will build to be the relationship it was. All I know for now is, I need to write again, and share what it means to be the everyday me, and us. 

I have started swimming*. I started about 8 weeks ago. Swam a solid 5 weeks, and then had 3 weeks off with a chest infection. (About 1 and a half weeks of those 3 weeks, I have been completely fine, just been a chicken to get back in the pool. Come on, it is winter, and the pool is outside)! I suffer some bad anxiety and to swim in the 50m pool is out of the question. When I see the bottom getting deeper and deeper with each stroke, my chest tightens and I feel sick in the chest. I have opted for the 25m pool. The anxiety stays at bay, and if I happen to have anxiety when I arrive at the pool, it is gone within a few laps of counting my strokes as I watch the black line. In a way it is my meditative sport that running allowed me to have.

I also own a pushbike. It is a road bike and was purchased just after the new year. I purchased the bike because I was told I was unable to run until I had surgery. To go from a person that ran almost every day, to being a couch potato was out of the question. I already lost a huge chunk of myself from becoming injured from running, and I wasn't about to lose all of me. I have little people to care for, and without their mum functioning as herself, their routine would fall apart. 

In the past few months I have had to learn to love two sports that once was one. The swimming gives me that repetition, and the riding gives me the thrill and the pain in my legs when I work harder.

The blog may have disappeared for the past 2 years, however the lady that wrote it, and writes it today, has not changed. I still fight for the positive aspects of our life, and work hard at the negative things to get them out of our way. Some things are an ongoing battle, and not running has been a really hard time for me. Although, I have managed to find new things that give me super powers to rock it as a mum, and as person. 

I am grateful for not giving up.

Today I hit the pool again, and it felt awesome.





*for the record, two months ago, I struggled to get in the pool. I thought I was no swimmer. Little did I know, that I am actually a pretty good swimmer. I am not perfect with my stroke, as I breathe every fourth stroke. I am also not too sure if I actually enjoy it. Although sometimes you need to suck things up and keep going. Winter will be a true test of love for the pool!