happiness.hope.believe.love

Words; you either love them or hate them. Well I do. Right now I am not liking mine whatsoever. Misinterpreting words meant a whole spiral of events for me. A week I would love to forget. But one that flashes in my mind like one huge nightmare. 

To sit and hold a hand, that feels so lifeless, and to watch every breath of a machine that pumps into one's body is heartbreaking. To sit across from an empty bed that I sat at five years ago, as I watched my mum slip from my life is heartbreaking. It is too much for my body, mind and heart to take. This time it is going to be ok. The hand I held is now full of life. The breath I now watch comes straight from the mouth, minus the tube, and I believe that life will be safe, and happy again. I have hope that this will all be a distant memory and something we all never have to face again.

I have decided I need some time with my little ones. I need some time with the people I love. I am taking a mini break from blogging to take away my self blame, to build myself up to understand that my words were not the reason for the spiral we faced last week, to be their support, and to be with the one's I love for my own support. 

Please understand this is something I need to keep close to my heart, and know that everything will be ok. I still have a whole lot of happiness in me. It just needs to push through the shock, and the fear, and I will be smiling big once more. 

We all need a little time with our family.

my little kick returns

The little kick that stood by me, that sung in the backseat of our car, that asked me where we were going to next, and that made me smile big everyday, has gone back to school.

We had adventures, we had a whole lot of girl time, and my little girl grew so much more. We started to read more second hand books, (you know the kind that smell old, that actually are old, and that your mum and your mum's mum, would have read. The one that they cannot read by themselves, only you can. The big kids book with beautiful stories, with minimal illustrations, but huge imaginations; that kind). 

"Then she gave a spring and shot through the air, right through the window, and on to her bed at the very same moment that the door opened and her mother came in to tell her it was time to get up.

And it was a funny thing, but when she was dressed and went out to look at the mossy bridge again it was much farther from the house than she remembered. And there were no little shops on it - it was far too small!"

{a snippet of the Dawn Shops, And Other Stories, by Joyce Lankester Brisley}.

Keely drew the most I have ever seen her draw. She made a game out of paper, in which she built a whole table, playing cards, and used an existing dice. 

Today I was just on time for school drop off. I miss our mooching about, drawing sessions, and snuggles. Although, today we still did the same, and I think if we can do that, and turn up on the sound of the bell for the rest of the term. Why not. Why be in a hurry. Why miss out on those morning drawing sessions.

I miss you little kick!

Am I the only one that misses my little kick; sidekick?

we heart sundays

early snuggles, and silly buggers

hide and go seek

morning walk in the sun towards an adventure

on a mission to fill that bucket with goodies

discovering something white on a rock, to find out it was only bird poo (i love my little guy. love that bird poo is cool to him)

a bucket full of shells for craft and sandcastles

walking backwards on the black sand

keely holding the shark egg we found on our adventure

finding the wobbly rocks, which were called, 'surfboards'

the little people do not have all the fun. this hill was huge, and oh so fun

keely flying... ironically she made it to the bottom, even with air like this

I discovered a heart rock.... sums up our sunday and adventures

rock art

the paddle back to the car

our sunday was full of adventures, giggles, and a whole lot of fun. we heart sunday


what did you do this sunday?

KA-POW said the paper gun

Do you play cops and robbers. Indians and cowboys. Do you play with guns?

I am not into violence and I knew that having a little boy, I would eventually have the natural pow pow of the gun noise echoing through the house.

There are no guns here. I have not bought one. However, Keely made two guns this morning, one each.

POW POW!

I have no plans to buy Taj a toy gun to play with, but I do personally believe it is something very natural for boys to play KA-POW, if it be with a stick in the shape of a gun, a piece of paper, or their own fingers shaped into a gun.

What are your thoughts on toy guns?

puckering up

Did you know that the new 15 is 6?

I thought the experimenting with kissing girls was in your teens? It was hilarious to watch these two best friends kiss over and over again in the cafe, and then talk about it for the next hour. Keely giggled as I answered her question with a, 'yes', I did tell Nya's mumma that they kissed.

Keely also told me today that she had a, "man look," when she was looking for a bag, and she could not find one. Clearly I am teaching my daughter a little too much about the opposite sex. I only have myself to blame for the 15 year old in the 6 year old body.

I hope your day rocked, and you too had some giggles with your little people!

What fun, {valuable}, lesson have you taught your little people?

rolling with the ace

School holidays are ace. I have had the best day hanging out with my girl. No real plans. Just winging it. Rolling with the day. Coffee and a hot chocolate, a mooch about the shops, building her own teddy bear, icy pole at home, packing orders, colouring in, an afternoon movie with her brother, and instant mother of the year with porridge for dinner*.

Do you plan your school holidays? Somedays we roll with it, and other days we do the normal, like seeing a flick together or play dates with friends. I quite like the simple things, like colouring in, reading a book together, and doing a spot of craft. We collected shells, and we are going to make a friendship bracelet or necklace for one of her special friends.

*I know not the best mum today, but sometimes you need to roll with what you have, and right now I have two tired little people, and a mum that does not want to argue......Ok, to be honest, I received my little people back from a weekend with their daddy. They had two very late nights, they are both a little sick, and sometimes I too want to be the "cool" parent!!

the little hijacker

My iphone was hijacked. Not only did my girl post an image of herself to instagram, she also made herself a movie.

I love her big. Enjoy her movie. You may need to turn the volume up.

Have an ace weekend!

buying a straight smile

I have teeth. I kind of hide them when I smile. I have two crowns at the front, and a half a metal molar. It is my fault they are like they are.

I punished myself with food for many years from the child abuse. It was my coping mechanism, along with other things. This was something I could control. Now I am out of control with how much money they are costing me. You may think it is cosmetic, but I want nothing more than a big shiny smile with straight teeth. My bottom teeth are crowded, about 3 need to be removed. I am up to my second round of root canal on one of my front crowns, (yes one of my crowns, which cost me $1500 on its own 12 years ago, has now cost me another $700, and two more sessions to come on that tooth alone). After this will be straight teeth, and with a bit of luck I won't have to have both crowns replaced within the next 12 months.

If I could be an advocate to stress how bad eating disorders are on our bodies, I would scream it from the highest point. It is my own fault I now have to tend to my teeth from acid build up from continuous vomiting for over 10 years killing them. Half of my tooth fell out eating bread one day, and that was from decay build up rotting my tooth. My two front teeth started to overlap from decay in between them. I had them filed back, and two crowns put over the top 12 years ago. One tooth had root canal done at the time, and now the other is having it done. This stress on my crown from drilling increases the possibility it will need to be replaced. Being my front teeth, I will need to have them both replaced to colour match. This may not happen, and I could have the same crowns for the next 20 years.

Look after your smile.

I will be honest and say this will be a great present to give to myself, (if these two front teeth stay in my mouth for a few more years). It is the final journey of the healing process from my abuse. It is my end. It is the pat on the back for dealing with such a horrible disease. It is also accepting that it is something I will deal with for the rest of my life; with a big, straight, pearly white smile.

celebrating under the stars

Little Pinwheel is turning the big three this long weekend. That means my mum will also be celebrating a birthday up on the moon. I know if my mum was still alive she would have given her friends hell about her birthday falling on the long weekend. I have no doubt there would have been some crazy girls weekend booked in. And now I get to give her a party on our crazy camping weekend.

We are getting our camp on with all the little people. This will be our first new family trip. I cannot wait to see my little ones eyes light up as they see a campfire, toast marshmallows, spot bush animals, drive on the beach in a 4wd, and sleep closer to the stars.

I asked Taj if the bunny will still be coming when we are not at home, and he answered, "yes mum. He will drop all the eggs in the sand. We will have to hide them, and find them!" I of course told Taj that the easter bunny hides them, and then he finds them.

To Taj: one more sleep buddy! {he has asked for the past two weeks to go NOW}.

Rock your easter weekend!

Happy number three to Little Pinwheel, and to my beautiful mumso. I miss you.

top grades for my pair

There are two of them. They fed both my babies. They fed them until they were just over 2 years old. Two breasts that now look like two sacks of skin with stretched nipples on top. I don't love them. I don't hate them. I just don't like them.

Have you ever tried to find a bra to fit mini breasts? Have you ever been treated the wrong way because of the size of your breasts? I went shopping a few months ago with Karen, (my ace girlfriend from the UK), and the lady basically laughed at me, and told me there were no bras to fit my breasts. I decided at that point I would either wear no bra, or I would wear what I would call the new age training bra, the bralette, or a crop top.

Today I shopped. I wanted to feel sexy, and like a woman. I was helped by a lovely lady that treated me like a woman. I found one bra. And sometimes that is all we need, one bra, and one person that treats you like a woman..... {The thing is, I believe, you are as much a woman as you allow yourself to feel. It is not the size of your breasts, the shape of your body, or the way you look. It is within yourself; acceptance}.

What is it about breasts. Why do we feel like more a woman when we have them, and less a woman when we don't have them. Or am I the only one with shriveled up breasts, and an issue with feeling less sexy because of the new age training bra I need to wear?

Keely thinks they are "BIG!" They fed both my babies. Less weight to carry when I run. I can rock no bra. I save a lot of money on lingerie. Both my boobs are 10/10, and they received top grades with straight A's.