mother and daughter rock it

A weekend full of emotions was full of awesome times with my girl. There is no doubt I need to do more of that with her. Just the girls. Hanging out. It made me see how much of me she now does not get with Taj being more dependent on me. It has allowed me to have a new found patience with her. And also understanding that she too needs me as much as her brother does. It may not be in the same way; it will be made up with a whole lot more of me. I know too well how much I need my mum, and I am almost 34. She needs me.

Keely and I talked. She turned her dvd off in the car as soon as we drove past the outskirts of Sydney. We talked, and sung the whole way to Canberra. Wow she is growing up.

We fluffed our nails, and sat in massage chairs that massaged our bottoms. The lady next to me had it on super speed. I kept it on mellow. She was shaking like a lizard. I received free flips (aka: flip flops, thongs). I flicked them back. They were no salts!

Keely was Tinkerbell. I was Wendy. I wanted to be Peterpan.

"Look mum, we can lay down in the shower and pretend we are swimming!" The shower was HUGE. We swam on our tummies. We giggled.

Keely went around and around the revolving doors in the hotel. It looked like fun. I jumped in too.

We danced. We danced all night at my sister's wedding. What a beautiful girl to dance with.

"Mum, we can put nanny's gift, (bonbonerie), in a balloon. It might be a bit heavy. We could get it to her mum!" (I am doing a beautiful job raising my daughter).

Keely cooked for my mum's friends. She gave them pebbles out of the garden of the cafe. My mum would have been proud.

mother and daughter. big love.

being me; the huge me

I feel there is something more for me. Something huge I will do that will inspire others. I thought it would be a book I would write. But as I thought of this all weekend, as I have for a very long time now, I came to the realisation yesterday that I am already doing huge. It took one email from a friend. Words she spoke straight from her heart and straight to my heart.

She said so much to me on a facebook photo, and from there I sent her an email to tell her what I had accomplished over the weekend. Why I had so much pain along with the happiness. {This was far from a poor me email; I have never been poor me. I suck up a lot of the "poor me"}.

I received her email back. An email that has touched me incredibly. Her words tell me the answer. I have already done huge. I am an inspiration. I beat abuse. I faced my fears. I shared it to the world. I lost my mum. I worked through grief that I believed I would never come out of. I now live with my mum as part of me. I have strength that one can only dream of.

My friend said to me, "you are unstoppable!"

Yes I am. I am living my dreams. I am doing everything I love. I am creating happiness. I am giving my happiness to others. I am turning negative into positive. I give a part of myself to everyone that crosses into my life; even for a moment.

"gracious - how I see YOU, inspirationally strong, merciful, calm and wise from the unfairness life has dealt you, I don't know how you do it, but you take all that negative and turn it into positive - it's fucking rad babe!"...

The answer. She told me the answer. Be me. Just be the person I am.

Thank you Riks!.... x

We as humans like to have our huge things in life. I know we all have something that might be little to some, and huge to ourselves. It can be cooking up your first ever dinner party for your closest friends, being an adventurer and sailing around the world, snowboarding down a mountain for the first time; anything really. Anything that you believe is huge. I have no doubt there will be more for me. Even though I still have the answer, I will strive to accomplish more in life. It is what I do. It is me being me. My next huge might even be cooking my first ever roast. Yes, I have never cooked a roast! Not a full roast. I have baked veges, but not the same as my mum used to do.

Who is up for a sunday roast at mine? Not promising awesome, but I will try. And that is all we need to do in life; try.

my sister's wedding

I have no doubt most of you are hanging to see photos from the wedding of my sister. A day I will remember forever. A day I made my mum proud. A weekend full of smiles, laughter and a lot of tears. There is so much to share. For now I will share with you my favourite images, which speak for themselves.

I have a lot of emotion at the moment as I take in everything I have been through in a short period of time. I have received an immense amount of support from my dearest friends, and I cannot thank them enough for giving me their strength, and words that I hold close to my heart. You all rock my world!

Congratulations to my beautiful sister. We both walked with our mum. She held us so tight. Tight enough for us to get through a very emotional day. Thank you mumso. x

road trip

I love music. I love it that much it is always playing around me. I shop with it. I drive with it. I cook with it. I used to run to it. Now you all know I have to run to the musical shark song. I am that person that sings in the shower. I sing in the car. I actually bust out some dance moves in the car. I have been spotted on several occasions getting my groove on and singing at the top of my voice.

I cannot sing, but I like to think I can! It makes me happy. I roll with anything that makes me happy right now. To surround yourself with happy is the best thing anyone can do for themselves.

Tomorrow I am on a road trip with Keely. The two girls are off to Canberra for my sister's wedding. There will be music. There will be arm surfing. My zippy zee (aka: car) will be zooming over the maximum 80km/h that it has done in its 2 years;(imagine the waves, and the air my arm is going to get going that fast). I will be facing fears. BIG fears for me. But most of all I will be having a beautiful time with my girl. There will be fluffing, frocking, and a whole lot of smiling, laughing and no doubt crying.

Cannot wait to share photos of me in my dress. Happy weekend!

*for the record, I swam when the flags were up this morning. After your encouraging comments on yesterdays post, I opted for a little bit more protection from the lifeguards. There were more people swimming; better odds. I still thought about the sharks. Friendly sharks. I clearly need to find a waterproof ipod, and listen to new music!

hello sharks.... hello fear

You can spot me bopping up and down in the deep ocean. I am hanging out the back past the surfers. I bop with the sharks. I bop to the voice of my own head. My voice has a lot to say. It talks about sharks a lot.

"There is no meat on me. That surfer is a bit further to swim, but he has meat on him. Oh crap, maybe sharks are like dogs and love to nibble on bones. Yes, I am in trouble. Hmmm... that is a dark patch under my feet. Just seaweed. Just seaweed. Oh my, I am drifting out to sea! Clearly stuck in a rip!"

I crack up laughing. Seriously I am in fits of laughter. (Not sure what that lonely surfer thought of me)! Why do I laugh as I bop up and down, and think about being nibbled by sharks, and the fact I am in a rip? Stuffed if I know! But I was happy in that moment of fear.

I run in the water. I do not like it. But I also love it. I feel at peace in the water, even hanging with my voice of fears. I can have moments of laying on my back and just being on my own. If I do float out to sea, or get nibbled on by a friendly shark, I will go a very happy woman. A woman that is facing fears head on. Who is loving the person she is.

Bopping to no music, and to the music of my own voice allows me to breathe and live my fears.

Strength. (silly)!

nobody puts hayley in the corner

I am great with words, more so the written word. I also believe if I can work the words out in my head, I am great with them out of my mouth. That is something I am building on. I get very nervous, and afraid of saying the wrong thing. I was shot down a lot in my life for the things I would say. It was very hurtful. I guess that is why I write. I can get the words out with little thought, and they flow from the heart. There is never a negative comment, and I am not left feeling less than the person I am. I am left feeling good, not dumb. I want that when I speak. I want that same feeling. I want to express my feelings and feel confident in how I am feeling.

Confrontation and I are not friends. I don't do it. I don't do anger. I don't do fights. It is not me. It is not my nature. I cannot handle feeling like I am pushed up in a corner for having a heart that wants to talk. I need understanding and acceptance in my words. And in my feelings.

I am going to stand in front of about 100 people. I am going to stand there with the words I have written straight from my heart. I am going to stand there and tell my sister and her new husband my feelings. I am going to stand there and share my feelings through spoken words. I believe this will be the first step in fighting my fear of expressing my feelings. A great gift to give to my sister, and an even better gift to give to myself.

There will be tears. I will be shaking. There will be happiness as I hand over my words to my sister and her new husband. My spoken words for them to keep.

love. acceptance. understanding. happiness. beautiful heart.

rock on sister!

sneaky kisses

I love nothing more than the sneaky kiss to my little people as I turn out the lights and go to bed myself. That secret kiss that they never knew I gave them is precious. Fast asleep.

Love being a mum. Love precious moments. The moment that makes all the pain of your day go away. Little people do that. They take it all away with no words. I had a little pain yesterday. And just like that it was gone.

Rock on Keely and Taj.