Tuesday, January 20, 2015

accepting that I am good enough to blog again!

With a cup of peppermint tea at my desk, and two children happily playing lego in their room, I have a few minutes to try and do a blog post. It has been a tough choice to blog or not to blog, one that ended up being the choice of a couple of other people over the course of the last week. Two separate moments where I was asked if I still write my blog. It was something I was considering doing more of this year and I guess sometimes you just need to go with your thoughts, good or bad, and roll with it. Writing is a great source of relief and pleasure for me. Plus it seems to be something others like to read. Even if it is just two people; it has helped them.

So here we are again; blogging.

Maybe I should start by giving a quick recap of what has been happening around here. Firstly, I did clean out my cupboard, and it felt awesome. I don't seem to get changed as much as I used to. However I am starting to try and accept that I am me, and I do a lot to look after myself. I am just maturing. {Such a great word to use once you get closer to 40}! It is also nice to go out and purchase a few new staples for your wardrobe. 

For New Years I made a resolution with my girlfriend, Karen. We always do them. I have used this one before, however I am needing to roll with it again for this year. It is, acceptance. The way I look at the acceptance for the year ahead, is broken down into my past. I don't like to say the past shapes the person I am, although, it truly does. I have my eyes wide open to the way I react to certain things, and I am trying hard to not be so hard on myself; accepting that some of my reactions are a reflection of my past. Yes maybe a little too much for a first blog post back in, and one that might be hard to explain properly in one go. I will do my best!

Am I good enough? That is a question I ask myself quite a bit. I question myself instantly in a lot of everyday conversations. I need to work on why I would be good enough, as apposed to the negative questioning. Accepting that I may react with the negative straight away as a protection mechanism, and working through situations where I have pulled myself apart, and allowing myself to remember the good person I am.

Yes it is all a lot of pulling my negative mind back into gear, and working on the positive energy I pump out for everyday life, and put some of it back into my inner self. It is like I rip layers of myself apart from the inside, not slowly peeling them like onion skin. Once in a moment of despair I am lost in being that little girl and it is incredibly hard to get out of her and back into my adult skin. It may sound weird, but the only place I can do that, if at home, is by laying in my children's room. It is something that  grounds me, and allows me to remember that I have a pretty huge purpose. If I am not at home, thankfully I am usually with others, and mostly my lover. He is great at being rationale, and helping me switch the head around enough to come back to being the adult me.

I have been pretty good. I have had a couple of tough days, but I am now getting better at analysing a situation with a bit more positive energy on the inside. It has been a good few months where I have felt safer. It is only in the last week or so that the nightmares are coming back. I have no idea why they are returning, especially when I feel like I am in a good place. The light is not on at night time, I still need to have my door closed, (I accept that will always be my thing), and I am not lying awake for hours with my eyes pinned open waiting for the boogie man.

Life of a survivor is probably no different to life of someone that has never been abused. We all have our things we need to deal with. This is mine, and I hope by blogging more, eventually writing a book, giving back to the community in awareness, and just being me will allow more to have a voice and help change the world..... yes I know huge, but I believe it can be done, and it will be done. May not be in my lifetime, but it will be in someone else's lifetime.

Welcome back to the Little Pinwheel blog... a life behind the online business, a life of a survivor from child sexual assault, with her two little people, and love of writing about all things from life in general. 

thank you to the two ladies that gave me my voice back in writing . I chose the images for this post as a reflection of what I just told you. The image with the flowers, is much brighter when you see your purpose in the background, and the image of me on the bed is pretty much a reenactment of where I was on Sunday morning.


  1. Replies
    1. thank you Jane... you have been reading it and commenting for a long time! Nice to have you here still x

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  3. Looking forward to catching up with your blog again Hayley :)



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