I think I should date.

I am a thinker. Sometimes not the best thinker. You know, not that smart. Well, I am smart, but think too much for it to even be any kind of smart. I am an analyser. I pull things apart until they are completely naked, and then I attempt to put them back together. Sometimes they don't look the way they should, and other times they are perfect. My little piece of art in thoughts.

I sometimes think I suck. I sometimes think I rock. I sometimes think I should stop thinking. I sometimes think I should keep thinking as it is what I do. I protect myself, and at the same time, it can hurt me, and hurt others around me.

I wish I could jump in the deep end. No floaties. Just jump. No thoughts. Just jump......

Kick those legs. Flap those arms. And swim.

Or jump in the deep end. No floaties. Just jump. Have thoughts. Just jump......

Sink. And be rescued.

Sometimes I do jump and sink, and no one is there to rescue me. And I have no one to blame but myself. My own thoughts. My own over analysing of a situation. And I drown on my own.

Sometimes in life you have to stop thinking. Go with the flow. Follow that heart, or your head. Jump, with no thoughts, and flap around like a fish.

Time for me to jump in the deep end. Time for me to start dating.

{me thinking: 'I am scared shitless!'}

What do you think. Or are you not a thinker?

bicycle bicycle bicycle

I want to ride my bicycle.

Keely can rock a bike with no training wheels. A balance bike rider has paid off. No training wheels required.

This mum is proud, and so is the little guy sitting on his deck watching.

I cannot wait to go riding with her next week. Looks like mum needs a bike, or I might just roll alongside her on my skateboard.

{thank you for your comments on my last blog post, and the emails. I am completely blown away by the kindness, and the information. I have hope that my brother will pull through this, and my hand is there waiting when he needs me. There are things in your life that you want to keep close to you, and this for me was one of them. The fact my family has fallen apart hurts, and it is something I never wanted to share, or admit. I am grateful for the amazing friends in my life for opening up their families to me}.

walking away

Most of us like to have a drop of an alcoholic drink at times, and unfortunately there are some that like to have a whole lot more than they should. My brother is one of them.

My brother is an alcoholic.

He is having a really hard time. Attempted suicide twice in the past 4 months. A cry for help. But won't accept the right help, or admit there is an issue. I have done some reading over the years to see what I can do. And there is nothing more I can do.

My brother was sent to rehab, and detox after being in trouble with the law. It was either that or jail. He mixed with the wrong crowd in there, and the first day of weekend free time, he went to the pub with a few of the other recovering alcoholics. He was kicked out on the street.

I am proud of my brother for building a life for himself after being kicked out, but the drink turned into the same story as we have all read as a family over the years. My mum was his lifeline. He worked for her, and was drinking, but never enough for him to hurt himself or others. When mum passed away, a part of my brother died too.

I love my brother. I care about him. And I am lost in what to do next. He has no home. He has no rental reference. He is violent when he drinks. I cannot put myself, and more importantly my children at risk.

How do you help someone that does not want to be helped. How do you make them go and get the help they need. How do you show someone that you love them without holding their hand all the time?

I told him I love him. I told him I am here for him. But I don't know if that is enough.

How do you help an alcoholic that does not want to be helped. How do you help a family of 3 that has completely fallen apart from the loss of their mum. How do I keep the promise I made to my mum to hold us together when they don't want to be held together?

A new year and so many questions, and questions that may have no answer. Maybe the answer has already been said. Maybe I have done all I can. I just don't want disappointment from the promise I made to my mum.

We all walk in a different direction.

*I do apologise if this post is a bit full on. It is full on. It is scary. But posting this might help someone else in some way, or it might help me find the answer. That is the beautiful thing about writing. You get it out. You see what you feel in words, and sometimes the words are not as messy as you believed they were in your head.

achieving for you

Happy new year!

The year of opportunities is over, and a new year with new dreams is here. Last year my beautiful friend, Karen, was here from the UK to spend time with me. We talked about New Year resolutions, made our own resolution with one word; opportunity.

the family christmas day portrait*

When I look back at the year I cannot believe some of the things I did. It is more the reflecting on the images that document the weeks that I walked with my little people. Together we created a whole new life. At times I did not think I could do it. But when I look around at our new home, I realise we did it. We sold the old, and started with the new. {It is so much more than setting up a new home, and so much more than selling the old. We have done huge together}.

One of the opportunities throughout the year was opening my whole business to create more for the Pinwheel future. I also opened myself up for more with my running. For the one thing I loved to do, just because I enjoyed it, has turned into more than just the love, it has become a passion, and part of my life. It is something I am hungry for and 2012 will prove to me how far I can take this.

Karen and I have come up with our one word for 2012. We wanted it to be something for both of us again, and Karen came up with the perfect word; the perfect New Year resolution.

2012 is the year of achievements.

This year will see Little Pinwheel, and Lady Pinwheel grow. It will show me how much I can personally achieve with my own determination to succeed. My running is going to step it up, and I have already started by creating more opportunities to lead into the potential achievements. I have races booked in, and by July I will be a marathon runner. From here, I am dreaming big. If I can achieve what my own body and mind can push me to accomplish, then the second half of the year will be exceptional.

The year of opportunities has opened my head, and my heart to show me that this year can be a year of achievements; if I believe in myself. And this belief extends a whole lot further than pounding that pavement.

Do you have a new year resolution? I love hearing what others would like to achieve or accomplish throughout the year. It is like we are able to clear the crap from the previous year, and start fresh.

One of Karen's achievements is to rock that guitar of hers. I cannot wait to hear her play, and I know she will achieve that one special song, and a whole lot more.

*we had a beautiful christmas, and hope you did too! I am loving these summer holidays, and right now missing my little people who have gone to visit their cousins. It is too quiet!

merry christmas!

The christmas rush is over for the little and the lady pinwheel. It is time for this little family to get into the christmas spirit.

Our tree is decorated, pressies are ready, and The Night Before Christmas book is perched on top ready to be opened. {I love this book and cannot wait to read the magic to my little people}. We have carrots for the reindeers, and there is a beer in the fridge for Santa. The spirit of christmas is here.

We hope you have a beautiful christmas with your families, and an awesome celebration to bring in the new year.

merry christmas!

hayley, keely and taj xxx

a message from santa

The letters have been written. The letters have been posted. Even full toy catalogues were posted, with circles around each toy my little people loved..... Santa has a whole list.

me: "what would you both really like from santa?"

taj: "oh mummy I would love an airplane!"

me: "one as big as the planes in the sky. a real one?"

taj: "yes mumma! an airplane."

keely: "you cannot have one that big taj! how will santa get it in the house?"

taj: "through the chimney keely. he comes through the chimney!"

We do not have a chimney. But neither Keely or I could argue with him. It was a little cute.

keely: "mum I would like a pink skateboard."

me: "oh rock on!"

Keely is such a princess, and wishing for a skateboard, pink or not pink surprises me. She has asked for the skateboard for the past couple of months.

I have not been able to take my little people to see santa, and I feel quite sad about this. Today santa sent them both a message from the north pole. You too can have santa talk to your little people. {santa is here}. Both Keely, and Taj were delighted to see santa.

Santa said Taj will have his airplane. I sure hope that is a big chimney we have above our home.

4 sleeps to go!

all I want for christmas is my......

Taj has the wobbles. The wobbles you are meant to have when you are around six years old is happening at the ripe old age of three.

I am learning that with boys you need to go with the flow more than you do with girls. There are going to be incidences, and they will do things that will end in tears, and sometimes they will encounter more than just the tears. Taj encountered a bloody gum, which has now resulted into the wobbly tooth.

I sure hope Santa delivers those two front teeth, as this little guy might loose one, and the other we can keep as a spare for the next time Taj decides to face plant into a chair.

Counting down the sleeps until the big red man arrives. My little people are excited, and I am too!