I was in a dark room once. The room was actually outside, it was in my home, it was in the grocery store, it was when I sat in front of my friends over a coffee. I was in the dark room. Some say it is like a cloud is over your head. For me it was like I could only see black.
I had depression. I lost my mum suddenly, had a new baby girl, who was 7 months old, and I had no idea how to be a mother. I was winging it everyday. {I still wear those wings}. I didn't realise that the storm was brewing over my head, and it was only when I had no ability to walk out of the house that I knew it was time to talk. To accept help. I was grateful for the nurse who saw that she needed to put her hand out, and help me stand up again.
The hardest moments were actually when I was talking with a counsellor. It brings up everything. I guess those fears you bury, are no longer buried where they are safe. The thing is, they truly are not safe hidden away. We need to learn how to bitch. How to share those things in life. Even the small everyday things, we need to be bitches over. That is what friends are for. To share the good and the bad.
I found to bury my fears, and to bury my hurt was actually the reason why I had the storm approaching over my head. I didn't bitch enough. I was too proud to say that I could not cope without my mum. I was 29, I should be able to cope without my mum, stand up on my own two feet, and live a life without her. But who says that I "should." Why do I have to suck it up, and be busy, raise my baby girl, and pretend that I was ok.
If I did pretend, and suck it up, then I would have had no one reach out to me, and take my hand. No one to stop me from my thoughts. I was lucky to have a doctor, and a counsellor that cared enough to show me the baby in front of me. The girl, that now too needed her mum.
The thing is, I never would have done it. I never would have killed myself to be with my mum. Why? Because I knew the hurt. The same hurt that my baby girl would have felt. And let's be honest, I am sorry to say this, but it is selfish. Completely and utterly selfish. Although saying that, I know what it is like to be in that dark room. There is no light. It is the people around you that turn that light on. Show you the glimpse of hope. That is what I saw, the hope. Because I opened my mouth.
My post on thursday is close to my heart. It is the reason why I tell a bit of my life, some of you know about, again today. It is all about reaching out, putting your hand out to others, telling yourself what you believe is good about you, and teaching yourself, men and women, to bitch; open your mouth, put your hand out, and allow someone to give you hope.
Turn to a friend, turn to someone you love, and tell them what is awesome about them. What you like. You never know, you just might turn the light on, and give them a glimpse of hope. We all need, and deserve hope in life, if it be that you are suffering from depression or not.
Being pushed on a swing is a whole lot easier than doing it yourself, and with time you learn how to swing your legs on your own. To ask for help isn't a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength.
