Monday, April 13, 2015

I killed the monster under my bed {in my head}

Life will be full of tough questions from our children. Some may be easier than others to answer and others will give you a lump in your throat, some may even make the saliva in your mouth dry up as you try to answer their questions. Yesterday I thought my mouth would dry up and I would lose my train of thought. I didn't want to stuff this one up. He is only 6, and he is my little guy and I will do anything to protect him and his sister.

Twice in the same week I was asked about the man that stole my childhood innocence. 

Taj: mum where is your dad? (I am silent, say nothing as I am thinking). Where is the man that nanny married to have you? Who is he?

Me: I'm not sure, maybe still in Canberra

Taj: is he dead? Can I meet him?

Me: I have no idea if he is dead. (Silently I am hoping he is). No you cannot meet him as I have nothing to do with him and I haven't seen him for a very long time and do not want to. He is not a nice man.

Taj: What did he do? 

Me: he hurt me

Taj: with the wooden spoon? 

Me: no, worse

Taj: oh mum, did he hit you with a rock?

Me: no worse. Taj he is not in my life or our life because he did things that makes him a monster. 

Taj: oh wow he's a monster!

Taj hugs me for ages, as this was our morning hug time, and then runs out to Keely, 'did you know that mum's dad is a monster?!' Keely answers with a yes.

In this situation it could have been cut off quickly. I could have said nothing. However I did not come out of silence to not protect my children. They need to know in a safe way that no one is to hurt them as there are consequences. That we are not shaped by other people's actions. My mouth didn't dry up, I was confident with a little shock. He is only 6 and asking me something I didn't think I would be answering until he was much older. Keely and Taj both know why I did 777 and why I run. They know enough for it to be clear to them that I am trying to protect children by sharing my story. One day they will hear the story and know the story. I have hope that they will take this through their lives in a positive and strong way.

This past week I have learnt a great deal about myself. It's been a week where I have allowed myself to finally believe that I am more than I believe I am. It was a lovely email that I received that kicked me up the butt. It was about luck and my luck, and the fact it isn't luck. See the thing is, I am not lucky to have the life I have. I have earned every bit of the good stuff. I deserve to be loved and love right back. I have my courage and my strength because I built that. It isn't the abuse that shapes me. I have shaped me. I am the awesome, loving, generous, successful business woman and an awesome mum because I've chosen to be that person.

I really lost myself for a while there. No confidence in who I am and what I am doing. I am grabbing myself by the ear, and pulling myself out of this hole I only dug myself. I have no idea where the confidence went. But believing in the words that come out of my mouth, believing in my choices, and my beliefs, will in turn give me back that confidence to be the person I am. 

Now I am off for a run.... because I believe I can run!

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