I love positiveness. I love being that positive person, but right now, I am in my 3 monthlies. Yes, I have 3 monthlies. One of my best friends pointed it out to me a year or so ago. She is right. I have this spiral that comes and hits me down to rock bottom every 3 months. It is the cycle of believing I am anything more than he made me be. Yes, here we go, another survivor post. Well this one is a little different, as I am deep in the cycle, and I am feeling rather like nothing. I think it is good to get this out. So you and hopefully the right people can see what child sexual assault does to an adult. What it continues to do to the inner child. It isn't about poor me, as it is reality. These are true feelings of deep pain that he inflicted on me.
People say you should pick yourself up, dust off the dirt and keep going. I do that, I do it all the time, and maybe later today I will do just that. I cannot be this person when I pick up my children. I would never allow them to see what he did to me. They are going to have a normal childhood, and one day I can tell myself how awesome I am to achieve that for them.
For now it is a moment I need to be deep in this emotional crap and deal with the anxiety that is ripping my chest apart, and be right in amongst the words in my head that tell me that he is a coward and should have killed me back when I was a child. Instead he slowly kills me when I am in this spiral and I have to continue to pull myself out of it. I don't sleep, always waiting for the boogie man to come and get me. I eventually fall asleep thinking that if he came and killed me, it would stop the pain anyway. Awesome thoughts to have. I should be counting sheep, or dreaming about the beautiful things I could only dream of doing, or falling asleep with a smile on my face with the achievements I have made in my life, and most importantly how I can change all of this. How can I get him?
Those words my mum promised me as he walked out of the Supreme Court, 'we will get him. One day we will get him.' Sometimes I feel I already have. But right now, I feel I haven't. It all comes down to the fact he walked out to freedom. He is not the only man that walks out. He walked out to hurt another child. Oh the pain inside of how many children he hurt after that freedom the law gave him. They basically told him that he did nothing wrong, that he has a right to be free and hurt other children. This hurts incredibly. And now I have to be the one that keeps fighting. Because no one else will. Everyone just forgets. But me, I won't ever forget. I am the one that lays awake waiting for him. I don't even think it would matter if he was dead. The fears don't go. Maybe it wouldn't matter if he was in jail. I would still be scared?
The point is, the system sucks. It isn't right, and in order for people to take notice, you need to do crazy things, like run with an audience, have 777 Be Brave tee shirts designed just for you, just for you to have a bigger voice, that in turn helps other survivors, and you need to jump onto the Royal commission, and hope that you are heard enough. I just wish I could shout loud enough for it to be enough. But I am not the only one that probably feels like this. Who am I to think that the right person would actually hear me, and changes would be made. But that is being way too negative, even in the way I am feeling right now.
That was this morning. It is a tough post to put live. These are some of the things that go through my head when I feel like this. It isn't cool, it isn't nice to feel so awful about yourself. He is a monster for what he has done to me. I hope one day he too is as scared as I am. I hope he lays awake wondering if I am going to come and be his boogie man.
I am a good person. I can only hope that this voice of mine, and the determination to change things will be enough one day. I have achieved a lot. I have raised $19,460 for Bravehearts, with the goal of $25,000. I have had a private letter from the Royal Commission about my submission, I have sold a great chunk of those Be Brave tee shirts, and continue to do so. My children are still proud when they wear theirs. I know there is a lot more I have achieved with the person I am too. I just wish I could do more to make the changes happen that need to happen. I would also love to confront him, or even go back to court. {Never thought I would ever want to go back or face him}. I will continue to do the crazy things, because people do notice you when you do things out of the ordinary. Like the month of April I will wear red lipstick for sexual assault and domestic violence awareness. It is a worldwide event, you too can join in! I am still training to do more in running/cycling. That dream has never gone.
One day things will change that will help a lot more children live the lives they deserve. For now, I am able to give my children the life they deserve. I should be proud of being enough for them.
