Tuesday, March 31, 2015

confronting myself

When I write, I get this sense of relief. It is much the same relief I get when I run. That might sound random, as they are both two very different activities. One requires more exertion than the other. Although at the moment, I am finding it an effort to blog. It is because I care about what you think. When I shouldn't care.

It isn't about the blog, it is about me. I lost the clear vision of me, and in turn I lost how to have confidence when I opened my mouth to have a conversation. It doesn't help when you hear that someone doesn't think much of you as a person. I guess when you hear that same one person saying over and over again things that make you feel like nothing, then you start to believe it. You also start to question yourself. It is a little sad that I have allowed myself to get to this point. This particular person doesn't even need to be my friend, and doesn't truly need to be in my life that much. 

Take this person out of the light. Take them out of the full picture, and you just have one lady that lost herself in the process of trying to be someone that everyone likes. The thing is, not everyone is going to like me, or you. That is life. Not an easy thing for me to come to terms with.

In order for me to take this exertion of writing away, I need to be true to myself, and start to believe again. I know a lot of people that used to read the blog no longer read the blog. And that is ok. Mostly people are involved in Instagram and sharing a story in images there. It is a nice place to be, and I enjoy it too. I need to enjoy being here again, sharing our life behind the business, and within the business. I love to write, and to find the true me again, I need to write. Even if it bores the crap out of you!

Today I had a moment where I questioned who I was. I asked myself who Blease was, after I was asked if I truly believed the awful stuff this person was saying about me were true. I don't believe any of it is true. Sometimes there are people that like to make you feel like nothing, in order for them to feel better about themselves. Blease is a loving, caring, funny, impulsive, successful, strong woman with a whole lot to offer anyone that wants to be a part of her life. 

That is me; I truly am awesome, I am colourful, I am a rad and loving mum, and I have a lot to offer this life of mine.

Another blog post, and I am not even breaking out a sweat! I came here today to admit I lost my way, and lost a big piece of me along the way. I truly am grateful and lucky to have people that love and care about me. Today I went back to my counsellor. It is tough to admit you need a chat. Although it is pretty awesome when you start talking. I am one smart lady, I just need to have the understanding now, understand what conflict is, what a conversation is, and know that not every conversation I have will end in confrontation. If I stay true to what I believe in, and who I am, then it will be ok to do what is right for us.

The confrontation goes when you believe in yourself. 

Thursday, March 5, 2015

you are enough

We all love to better ourselves, or make ourselves feel awesome. Do you ever feel like maybe you have died your hair enough, you have enough clothes hanging in your wardrobe, and maybe the person you are is enough.

How much does one need to work on themselves before they can look in the mirror and be happy with the person that is staring right back at them?

I am personally trying to understand post traumatic disorder, how it affects me being a survivor. I am trying to understand why when life is pretty cool that I am riddled with nightmares. Not just nightmares. Nightmares that haunt me for days. Along with the nightmares comes the anxiety, and today panic attacks. {PANIC attacks, over leaving the house}! At first I was wondering what was going on, and then it was pretty obvious that the small things were way too much for me. 

Anxiety is the pits.

And being a survivor sucks arse. Although maybe it is more being the victim sucks. It is said that you should be the survivor and stop being the victim. But how do you stop that when nightmares come, when anxiety hits you in the chest, and when things in your life are affected from fears he planted in you from a very young age. I stopped being the victim the moment I walked away. The thing is the post traumatic side decides it is going to hang around. I have worked so hard on changing the way I think about things, about myself. I have died my hair, I have gone on diets, and I have an overflowing wardrobe. I have done things to try and be in control of things. Of myself.

Sometimes it is time to stand still, get the understanding you need, start believing in yourself, and see the person in the mirror is very loved by two beautiful children, by the lover that cares, she is loved by her closest friends, and she may even be cared about from people she doesn't even know.

The next step needs to start now. I know it won't be an overnight fix, but I plan on looking at myself and seeing that I am enough. That there is no more making me better. I am me, a survivor, sometimes I will feel like a victim, someone that will suffer anxiety at times in her life, and someone that may react differently to you in certain situations. It is ok to say I am scared, that I hurt, and that I am enough.

I am enough. 

{Today I left the house, I was fine. I was safe, and I had a day where I was kind to myself in the levels of stress I placed on myself. I made myself public, talking to people, and that somewhat grounded me, and allowed me to see that I was ok}.


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